I hate everbody because i have to

J

Jae

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#1
Hi, I'm jae, I'm 22
I can call myself hateful because I made myself that way, I have social anxiety and many more unfun things like that, but when I'm with just one person I'm not familiar with it makes me very uncomfortable and i hate it, I spend my last 3 years of school smoking cigarettes in the school bathroom because I can't just be in a crowded area like that, so I developed an amazingly harmful way to get rid of my social anxiety for good, I have completely convinced myself that I hate every single person out there that I'm not familiar with, everyone.....
And it actually worked, I can be hateful towards anybody anywhere and I can stay there for long time just annoyed and disgusted of everything and everyone , convincing myself that I hate them all over and over.
I feel good after, I don't think about what if they talked about me or laughed or looked at me or blah blah...... I don't care I fucking hate the idea of them breathing, I wish they choke to death on my anxiety fumes because I have many, I SIMPLY HATE THEM... I'm happier like this...
I need opinions please....
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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#2
hi ,I wanted to welcome you to the forum x
I think it is sad that you feel happy hating people ,I can't imagine feeling that way
not everyone is bad ,it is easy to feel that way with all the awful things that go on in the world but I wish you could like people you might feel better for it x
I hope you like the forum
love Lu x
 
TroubleinParadise

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#3
Hi Jae,

I would like to start off that by saying that I am glad that you decided to post on these forums; sharing is good, and there is now potential for a lot of positive insight.

You're angry because of your anxiety. It's time to recognize what it is for what it is; a disorder - that can be combated. There is hope Jae. You've recognized that your thoughts towards other people are not rational; that's the first step in a series of steps. This is exciting. It's the start of a process of self-restoration.

Carl Jung, a Swiss Psychiatrist, noted that those who suffer with a neuroses of some sort, in your cause Social Anxiety Disorder, and overcome it, learn things that can't simply be taught - perseverance, empathy and an inner-understanding of the self.

I believe that you'd do well to slowly expose yourself to social situations; it'll be a tedious process, but a necessary one in order to recover. Perhaps you'd also do well to find yourself a clinical psychologist who specializes in these sort of things; not saying you're crazy - I still go to therapy; but he/she would be able to take you through the process and track your progress.

There is hope Jae.
 
TroubleinParadise

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#4
I like to see a neurotic mindset as a medical condition that can be treated by mindfulness, exposure and a willing attitude. This isn't applicable to all forms of mental illness; but with anxiety and depression it can work. It's not easy; but it's character building.

I don't have panic attacks anymore; I have a job; I'm about to finish my first year of studies; and I'm in a relationship - going from refusing to do anything after getting my high school diploma a few years ago. Life can and will get better if you decide to do whatever it takes to take your life back from the crutches of fear.
 
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the count

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#5
i think i know what you mean, for me im so paranoid and anxious and too much of an idiot to be able to talk to people i just convince myself that i dont like them. its a defense mechanisim because of my own self hatred, people probably dont even notice me but in my head i think they probably think im a dick head, well fuck them!
 
TroubleinParadise

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#6
I've had the same - been called selfish, rude and people often think that I don't like them. It has gotten better. Anxiety is tough. Stay strong. We're here for you - and take it one step at a time. The only way to overcome this is to set realistic goals, complete those goals as best you can, and improve on those goals over a period of time.
 
J

Jae

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#7
hi ,I wanted to welcome you to the forum x
I think it is sad that you feel happy hating people ,I can't imagine feeling that way
not everyone is bad ,it is easy to feel that way with all the awful things that go on in the world but I wish you could like people you might feel better for it x
I hope you like the forum
love Lu x
Thank you, I really appreciate your opinion, but hatred levels depends on the environment you live in, if one have suffered from the hypocritical social oppression that I lived in for 9 years straight he would probably feel the same way, I just convinced myself to hate and push away others to keep myself psychologically safe and I haven't had a social problem for 4 years, now all my panic/anxiety attacks comes from financial/work problems which can be solved easily unlike social problems.
I thank you again for caring to respond
 
J

Jae

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#8
i think i know what you mean, for me im so paranoid and anxious and too much of an idiot to be able to talk to people i just convince myself that i dont like them. its a defense mechanisim because of my own self hatred, people probably dont even notice me but in my head i think they probably think im a dick head, well fuck them!
Thank you so much for understanding my point
 
J

Jae

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#9
Hi Jae,

I would like to start off that by saying that I am glad that you decided to post on these forums; sharing is good, and there is now potential for a lot of positive insight.

You're angry because of your anxiety. It's time to recognize what it is for what it is; a disorder - that can be combated. There is hope Jae. You've recognized that your thoughts towards other people are not rational; that's the first step in a series of steps. This is exciting. It's the start of a process of self-restoration.

Carl Jung, a Swiss Psychiatrist, noted that those who suffer with a neuroses of some sort, in your cause Social Anxiety Disorder, and overcome it, learn things that can't simply be taught - perseverance, empathy and an inner-understanding of the self.

I believe that you'd do well to slowly expose yourself to social situations; it'll be a tedious process, but a necessary one in order to recover. Perhaps you'd also do well to find yourself a clinical psychologist who specializes in these sort of things; not saying you're crazy - I still go to therapy; but he/she would be able to take you through the process and track your progress.

There is hope Jae.
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your reply, but I can't see therapists in my area because I have serious trust issues and they are honestly assholes that talk calmly so I just can't and I can't consult an American or a European one because we don't have an electronic marker where I'm from so I don't have any other choice but to suck things up and keep going tbh.
 
TroubleinParadise

TroubleinParadise

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#10
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your reply, but I can't see therapists in my area because I have serious trust issues and they are honestly assholes that talk calmly so I just can't and I can't consult an American or a European one because we don't have an electronic marker where I'm from so I don't have any other choice but to suck things up and keep going tbh.
Generalizations Jae; not every therapist is an asshole. You have to try to put yourself out there.
 
BleachedViolet

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#11
I can relate, bc I too have social anxiety (and BPD, though just figured that out after being misdiagnosed bipolar for almost 2 decades...). I've had SA since Jr High, and could barely talk until my early 20's.

Then meds made me like I was on overdrive. Super, embarrassingly social. I'd literally think of conversations I'd had with people and want to die (emotionally, not literally) bc I felt so exposed, vulnerable, and like I was just talking nonsense.

I'm med free atm, but have adapted the 'coping skill' of talking to avoid silence, which still leaves me with that overwhelming feeling of exposure and embarrassment.

Any perceived slight makes me want to erase the person responsible from my memory and/or life, and I'll project my self-loathing onto the object of the strained interaction. I find social settings torturous, and sometimes I hear myself talking and it's like I'm watching myself from afar and can't believe how idiotic I sound trying to 'sound normal'/please people/get out of the situation. I think everyone I talk to in person thinks I'm weird (I don't even think this is true, but it's ingrained).

I get frustrated watching 'regular' people and how easy it seems for them. Then I resent them for 'having it easy' or the person I'm dealing with because I assume they are judging me, irregardless of how they're treating me. I assume they're only being nice, if they are, bc they're working or want something from me or are being polite. Or I think a short/not polite reaction is disapproval or judgement, not a cultural difference (I live abroad) or that they have their own issues.

I have to go to a 'meeting' for something pertaining to my apt block tomorrow, and its filling me with dread and frustration. I know no one in the building (we just moved) but already assume they all dislike us, sight unseen, and resent them in return. I get so paranoid at times.

I didn't mean to make this about me, but was trying to relate. I don't know if what I said made sense or resonated with you or anyone else. I'm 'new' to my diagnosis, and trying to separate reality from my crappy, self-imposed coping mechanisms I've built up over the years to protect myself.

You know, reject others before they get a crack at you...

I hope my post was pertinent and not self-indulgent. I know what it's like to feel what you do. I think I was doing it bc I was so uncomfortable with who I was (I'm not saying this is you) and was raised from a young age to 'look for clues' as to whether or not someone liked me. I still think I can tell in minutes/am a quick read of others.

I used to think I was an empath - I now think it's a 'survival skill' I adapted to protect myself from rejection bc I grew up walking on eggshells...

I hope I didn't ramble. I'm new at this and this is my assessment of my behaviour. It's not a judgment of you. Just a perspective that might or might not resonate?

Thanks for listening and hope I was of some help...
 
J

Jae

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#12
I can relate, bc I too have social anxiety (and BPD, though just figured that out after being misdiagnosed bipolar for almost 2 decades...). I've had SA since Jr High, and could barely talk until my early 20's.

Then meds made me like I was on overdrive. Super, embarrassingly social. I'd literally think of conversations I'd had with people and want to die (emotionally, not literally) bc I felt so exposed, vulnerable, and like I was just talking nonsense.

I'm med free atm, but have adapted the 'coping skill' of talking to avoid silence, which still leaves me with that overwhelming feeling of exposure and embarrassment.

Any perceived slight makes me want to erase the person responsible from my memory and/or life, and I'll project my self-loathing onto the object of the strained interaction. I find social settings torturous, and sometimes I hear myself talking and it's like I'm watching myself from afar and can't believe how idiotic I sound trying to 'sound normal'/please people/get out of the situation. I think everyone I talk to in person thinks I'm weird (I don't even think this is true, but it's ingrained).

I get frustrated watching 'regular' people and how easy it seems for them. Then I resent them for 'having it easy' or the person I'm dealing with because I assume they are judging me, irregardless of how they're treating me. I assume they're only being nice, if they are, bc they're working or want something from me or are being polite. Or I think a short/not polite reaction is disapproval or judgement, not a cultural difference (I live abroad) or that they have their own issues.

I have to go to a 'meeting' for something pertaining to my apt block tomorrow, and its filling me with dread and frustration. I know no one in the building (we just moved) but already assume they all dislike us, sight unseen, and resent them in return. I get so paranoid at times.

I didn't mean to make this about me, but was trying to relate. I don't know if what I said made sense or resonated with you or anyone else. I'm 'new' to my diagnosis, and trying to separate reality from my crappy, self-imposed coping mechanisms I've built up over the years to protect myself.

You know, reject others before they get a crack at you...

I hope my post was pertinent and not self-indulgent. I know what it's like to feel what you do. I think I was doing it bc I was so uncomfortable with who I was (I'm not saying this is you) and was raised from a young age to 'look for clues' as to whether or not someone liked me. I still think I can tell in minutes/am a quick read of others.

I used to think I was an empath - I now think it's a 'survival skill' I adapted to protect myself from rejection bc I grew up walking on eggshells...

I hope I didn't ramble. I'm new at this and this is my assessment of my behaviour. It's not a judgment of you. Just a perspective that might or might not resonate?

Thanks for listening and hope I was of some help...
Thank you for replying I really appreciate you sharing your opinion and your experience with a similar feeling, but in my case I'm afraid my act will turn eventually to actual hate and I'm starting to see symptoms of narcissism in myself and I'm starting to despise ppl for real, I don't want ruthlessness in me I just want to be comfortable, I'm afraid if I keep going ill end up alone for good
 
BleachedViolet

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#13
Thank you for replying I really appreciate you sharing your opinion and your experience with a similar feeling, but in my case I'm afraid my act will turn eventually to actual hate and I'm starting to see symptoms of narcissism in myself and I'm starting to despise ppl for real, I don't want ruthlessness in me I just want to be comfortable, I'm afraid if I keep going ill end up alone for good
I understand better than I expressed. I have a side of me that's desperate to be liked, but I have a very contradictory side to me that I'm not ready to yet share. I've been dealing with this for over 2 decades and I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been where you've been and I've done some genuinely shitty things to people for God knows why. I maybe have more of a duality in me than how you've described yourself currently, but I know what it's like to cut people out of my life and never look back. The guilt has come in recent years. I always thought I was a victim, and in my childhood, I was. Abuse isn't something that is a minor's fault, especially when it's from those that where supposed to protect you and learning as an adult that I'd never get not even an apology, but so much as an acknowledgement/validation of it was bitter pill.

All I can say is, it's good you're so self aware of these tendencies within. Find a way to deal with them NOW so the cycle can stop. We all handle this slightly differently. I now internalizd it, but I was unaware of how my actions affected others/that I was projecting when I was your age. I don't mean that to be patronising - you have the gift of awareness. I don't know how to help beyond imploring you to stop the cycle before it becomes, like you said, a different pathology where you stop even caring about the aftermath.

I wish you the help or insight or guidance you seek. I'm sorry you're feeling this despair and I wish I was more eloquent or knew the right advice beyond my muddled attempts. But you still do have humanity in you. Otherwise you wouldn't even have started this thread. You clearly still care on some level.

Don't wait too much longer or let this consume you... I got humbled in my late 20s. HARD. I thought it was a curse, but on a selfish level, it saved me.

I wouldn't wish on anyone what happened to me/the burden I still carry. That's probably why I look outside for worth.

I don't have an answer, but act while you *still* care enough to question yourself...
 
J

Jae

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#14
I understand better than I expressed. I have a side of me that's desperate to be liked, but I have a very contradictory side to me that I'm not ready to yet share. I've been dealing with this for over 2 decades and I don't even know who I am anymore. I've been where you've been and I've done some genuinely shitty things to people for God knows why. I maybe have more of a duality in me than how you've described yourself currently, but I know what it's like to cut people out of my life and never look back. The guilt has come in recent years. I always thought I was a victim, and in my childhood, I was. Abuse isn't something that is a minor's fault, especially when it's from those that where supposed to protect you and learning as an adult that I'd never get not even an apology, but so much as an acknowledgement/validation of it was bitter pill.

All I can say is, it's good you're so self aware of these tendencies within. Find a way to deal with them NOW so the cycle can stop. We all handle this slightly differently. I now internalizd it, but I was unaware of how my actions affected others/that I was projecting when I was your age. I don't mean that to be patronising - you have the gift of awareness. I don't know how to help beyond imploring you to stop the cycle before it becomes, like you said, a different pathology where you stop even caring about the aftermath.

I wish you the help or insight or guidance you seek. I'm sorry you're feeling this despair and I wish I was more eloquent or knew the right advice beyond my muddled attempts. But you still do have humanity in you. Otherwise you wouldn't even have started this thread. You clearly still care on some level.

Don't wait too much longer or let this consume you... I got humbled in my late 20s. HARD. I thought it was a curse, but on a selfish level, it saved me.

I wouldn't wish on anyone what happened to me/the burden I still carry. That's probably why I look outside for worth.

I don't have an answer, but act while you *still* care enough to question yourself...
I just can't, I have this image in my head of any stranger out here, and I focus on "OUT HERE" as in where I live because people are so undeveloped socially and if I didn't have tough skin I would have literally taken my own life back when I was in high school , they are socially uneducated, hypotcrtical, senseless, emotionless, judgmental, fake, lying death wishing robots, I think to myself every single day 'do they even know what they're saying', all I wish for is to move very far away and become that family member that lives abroad which everyone is happy to see after 3 year of just skyping, if I had the time I would write a 8 trillion word article on how I hate every single thing about this place, every forme of hurting ppl psychologically exists here and people are so programed to just live with it in such ways it drives me insane, it's like watching a racist or a sexist blabbing so disrespecfully and the other guys are like 'hah he's funny and kinda have a point' , I'm just lost wondering do they even know what they're talking about, ignorance is what I despise the most in life and I have been born In an ocean of it and I feel like I'm drowning every day,my worst fear is to finally give up and just fit in, I simply cannot be okay with people approving bad and emotionally destructive behaviors towards other and be nice to who ever supports their ideas and thoughts, I will hate them for the rest of my life.
I posted this thread just to do and I had no expectations but a like or something, or maybe even a "be strong" comment with an emoji, but thank you and all others who replied to me it really made me feel a little better, much love for you all
 
BleachedViolet

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#15
I wish I could help or help you find a place you belong. I still haven't found it, and struggle with social interaction daily, but for me I guess I turn it in towards myself, even when I know it's not me.

I hope you can find peace at some point and if you need to vent, you can always drop me a line. It's fucking hard out there and sadly, there are no easy answers. I know you know that, but more people here relate/empathise than you probably realise. ♡
 
J

Jae

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#16
I wish I could help or help you find a place you belong. I still haven't found it, and struggle with social interaction daily, but for me I guess I turn it in towards myself, even when I know it's not me.

I hope you can find peace at some point and if you need to vent, you can always drop me a line. It's fucking hard out there and sadly, there are no easy answers. I know you know that, but more people here relate/empathise than you probably realise. ♡
I wish I could help or help you find a place you belong. I still haven't found it, and struggle with social interaction daily, but for me I guess I turn it in towards myself, even when I know it's not me.

I hope you can find peace at some point and if you need to vent, you can always drop me a line. It's fucking hard out there and sadly, there are no easy answers. I know you know that, but more people here relate/empathise than you probably realise. ♡
Again thank you so much for replying, you don't know how better this conversation if you can call it that made me feel,but if I get back to reality it is way more complicated than I think to switch residencys, I have diagnosed myself and attempted to treat myself for the past 6 years because I'm afraid to go to a therapist and be disappointed which takes me to an extreme level of sadness, that's a chance I won't take at the main time, and also I tried to convince ppl on this forum to make a group voice chat on discord or whatever app although I'm so afraid of it and super paranoid but I have to at least talk to anyone to feel comfortable enough to even think about trying therapy but I failed..... Anyhow I'm grateful for this forum, at least I get responses from people who cares.