• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I hate (depression)

Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
I have had depression since December. I have had a tough time, suicide attempt which unfortunately failed, I ended up in a coma. I have also been in a psychiatric hospital for 24 hours, which was terrible.The last 2 weeks, I have been having more good days than bad. Today I feel rock bottom, I am so depressed, and sad. I hate feeling like this. I hate having to take 13 pills a day. I hate everything about myself. I hate looking in the mirror and seeing my ugly face. I hate the battle.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Sophie

I know exactly how you feel, depression is loathsome!
I often find that if I have had some good days, when I have a bad day the depression feels so much worse, it is the rollercoaster of recovery unfortunately. However try to hold on to the fact that you have had some good days and it is likely that you will have them again, maybe this is just a dip and it will pass.

Try not to think on the negative things like the memories of your overdose or how you feel about your looks, if your depressed it is likely to affect how you feel about yourself negatively. If I can give you a positive view of yourself, I feel you have been such a positive influence on this site, I look forward to reading your posts, and you were so kind to me when I had a bad day on Saturday.

I know it is hard but I find when i'm depressed focusing on the positive things and pampering myself helps (even if it is the last thing I feel like doing). This can range from wearing a favourite perfume that I only reserve for 'special occassions'. Wearing an item of clothing I especially like and makes me feel good. Cooking my favourite meal. Doing my favourite activities. And thinking about things that make me smile, like looking at photos of me in happier times or of holidays that I really enjoyed. Or calling a friend who makes me laugh, or helping others in some way which makes me feel good about myself. I know it won't solve your problems but they can help to lift your spirits to help you get through a crisis.

Lots of hugs :hug: Sapphire
 
Jo1760

Jo1760

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 25, 2008
Messages
1,507
Location
London
Sophie,

I'm sorry to hear your so down and low at the moment. I know it's absolutly no consoluation but I also understand exactly where you are coming from.

Its such a horrible feeling to be so rock bottom and I can understand what you mean. The problem with depression is that when you feel so low everythign is such a massive effort, the idea of gettin gout of bed, washing hair all things most people take as the norm and do without thinking, but for someone suffering with depression it's like a superhuman challenge.

I hope the tablets begin to work soon and help you feel a little better about yourself.

I have to say at this point in time I can't even look in a mirror before leaving the house because I hate myself to that extent, I dread to think what I look like sometimes!

Take care and I hope you start to feel a positive difference soon.

X
 
S

schizolanza

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
3,160
13 pills a day seems a lot.I agree depression is hard to bear.You can beat it though.I've come a long way myself I hope you feel better soon.
 
Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
I feel like I take one step forwards, and three back. We were supposed to go out last night. I had a shower, made the evening meal early, only to be told by my husband that he didn't want to go out. I had been looking forwards to this. I phoned my mum, she got really upset and was crying, saying that my mental break down was due to my husband. This is true, he is the first to admit it. (I can't go into details, but nobody else is involved) I got very depressed, drank a bottle of wine, 3 cans of lager. I broke the wine bottle and SH. This terrible depression and SH has now been going on for 7 months. I feel that I am at the bottom of a very dark pit, no light, no hope no nothing.
 
L

Lionheart

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Feb 29, 2008
Messages
305
Location
Haslingden, Rossendale, Lancashire.
Hey Sophie, I feel your pain, when I look in the mirror all I see is a pathectic excuse for a man. I have SH myself before but it never really solves anything afterwards. The best thing to do is not make any decisions while feeling depressed because they will always be negative decisions. Remember things will get better one day and it won't always seem so bad. Stay strong, we are all here for you, :)
 
starflower

starflower

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 26, 2009
Messages
418
Hi Sophie, please don't give up, you know that the lows are as down as they can be, but then what seems normal, seems so much better as if its not real, where not allowed to have the what called a "normal " spell. We all appreciate what your saying, but no one truly understands exactly what you are going through at the moment, all our experiences are different with one common thread, DEPESSION. We all know what its like not be understood by family and friends, and how hard in is to express ourselves, even to those outside our close circle. Depression is collective on one hand and totally independant on the other, no too depressions are the same. They all have different causes, different reasons for onset, some for no reason at all. All we can do if offer each other support, lend a listening ear, be there for one another, when sometimes there seems that there's no-one who understands. We all care, we want the best for each other, only those who have suffered from depression can really understand. Sophie we care and we understand in a way no-one else can, just hold on, you know the moods pass, sometimes easier than others, but they do. Take care sophie.
 
Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
I would like to say thank you, for all the support and advice while being at rock bottom. It means a lot to me.
 
Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
Why is it that you have a few good days, then your plunged into the the great big black hole again. Life is so cruel. Each day is a battle, have I been bad in this life or past life? Why do I need to suffer like this[. I feel as though I have a shell and nothing else, I am dead inside. I wish that I was dead full stop./COLOR]
 
Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
I decided to cut back on my medication, one of the anti depressants was a very high dosage, that made me put on a lot of weight. I was hoping to be able to come off them completely. I got down to 1 anti depressant twice a day. I am having more bad days, and I have a weird sensation in my head.
I went back to the doctors for some more anti depressants and a stronger dosage of Valium. The doctor told me that you do feel worse coming off them like I did. I find that I am really forgetful, and at times I don´t know if I have dreamed something, or it really happened. I am so sick of my life and having to take pills, just so that I can muddle through the day. The psychologist dosent seem to be helping very much.:mad:
 
Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
Is it me or does this happen to other people, or is it a symptom of depression. At times I don´t know if what has happened, is reality, or if I have dreamed it. At times when I have a mad day, it seems as though it is another person saying and doing things. I am very mixed up and confused. When things like this happen, I feel worse, I feel as though I am loosing the plot. If something gets miss placed, I wonder if I have moved them, though I don´t remember, my memory is getting very bad. I repeat myself to my husband, not knowing that I have already said it. I hope that I can get some answers.:mad:
 
gray

gray

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
89
I would say all the things you describe can happen to any normal person, everyone can have an off moment or an off day. It's just more a case of the frequency in which they all occur.
I'm guessing that they occur everyday and frequently throughout the day?

I'm not a professional so I can't say yes that is because of depression, but it does seem like there is some sort of problem. You already knew that though otherwise you wouldn't be taking medication etc.

My advice would be try to stop over worrying about every little thing you do. It's a viscious trap that we can all get caught in when we are diagnosed with a mental illness. We endlessly evaluate everything little thing we do in some sort of hope to find a fix.

You seem like someone who is constantly on edge. Have you tried having a bit of a "me" day? e.g. pampering yourself a bit, maybe have a nice hot bath with some soothing bath oil and just relax.
 
Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
I grey, thanks for replying. I have decided to have a word with the psychiatrist about how I am feeling. I also have severe mood swings, when I am on a high, I am talking endlessly about nothing in particular, I know that I am just waffling. I will let you know the out come.
 
Sophie

Sophie

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2009
Messages
3,214
Location
Spain
I went to see the psychiatrist yesterday, I felt that it was a waste of time. I have come off 2 anti depressants due to putting on weight. At one stage I was taking 13 different pills, I am now down to 2 different anti depressants, and 10mg of Valium three times a day. I have to go for a brain scan next month. I am going to ask my doctor to do a blood test to check for lithiun. When I start ranting and raving, it feels as though it is coming from another person, and not me. I hate everything about myself, I wont even look in the mirror, as I feel ugly and disgusting. When I put my make up on, I look at my eyes, as I apply the eye make up. The only thing that I like is my tattoos. I am hoping to see a English speaking psychiatrist, which will be better, as ATM my husband has to translate, which isn't ideal. I still have suicidal thoughts, at times I think I am going crazy. I don´t want to go back into hospital, the last time it was worse than a prison.
 
gray

gray

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
89
Please be careful with valium as it is known to be addictive.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
S i truly hate my life more than anything else Depression Forum 4
G Why does life hate me? Depression Forum 5
M Hate myself ! Depression Forum 6
J I hate myself Depression Forum 4
C When you hate falling asleep.... Depression Forum 1
cascityrosesimpson i hate my life Depression Forum 22
D i just hate what they are doing Depression Forum 14
S I hate who I've become Depression Forum 4
D Hate Life Depression Forum 24
H I hate crisis Depression Forum 2
T I hate the person I have become Depression Forum 4
W I hate where I live Depression Forum 6
D Hate my family Depression Forum 17
Hello513 So I hate my life, and everything in it. Depression Forum 5
The_Sun_Shines Advice for you on loniless and depression Depression Forum 5
S obsession with depression Depression Forum 2
T Depression and studies Depression Forum 6
H Husband has depression Depression Forum 3
IcyShadow Poem about Depression Depression Forum 2
A Sexually based depression Depression Forum 9
A Suffering from a depression whose reason I don't realise. Depression Forum 13
P Cheating Spouse and Depression Depression Forum 6
Hardknocks88 New normal depression Depression Forum 1
M Depression and Narcissm Depression Forum 2
Barny67 Clarity after depression. Depression Forum 4
C Am I causing my girlfriend's depression? Depression Forum 11
J Depression and misguided actions Depression Forum 10
E Excessive sleep+depression+OCD= lost Depression Forum 2
C Loneliness and Depression Depression Forum 8
S My boyfriends depression has become worse and now he’s acting mean? Depression Forum 63
H At a loss - Not sure what else to try to help depression Depression Forum 6
L My Depression...and Yours Depression Forum 5
Carol1952 Sleeping a lot due to depression Depression Forum 11
M Agitated Depression Depression Forum 6
J Hello All. Living with someone in depression Depression Forum 1
J Depression and University Depression Forum 9
R What are signs of depression? Depression Forum 3
P Depression? Depression Forum 5
P Being Lonely With Depression Depression Forum 14
S How do you get out of a depression? Depression Forum 5
F Sleep and Anxiety / Depression Depression Forum 5
C Depression & new relationships. Depression Forum 6
M Mild but chronic depression Depression Forum 3
N Depression and or eating disorder. How do I begin to get help? Depression Forum 13
Z Did anyone experience the same depression? Depression Forum 1
N cause of depression are from past lives Depression Forum 1
G Ex with depression Depression Forum 3
M Do you use another platform about depression besides this this forum? Depression Forum 1
R insane depression and hopelessness non stop Depression Forum 11
R Can you function with depression? Depression Forum 8

Similar threads

Top