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I had to stop therapy and im looking for some guidance

B

BobbyDaBlahh

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2021
Messages
16
Location
USA
Hello everyone. I'm a male in my 30s, was doing therapy for a bit but I had to drop it due to fears of losing my job. This kinda bummed me out becuase I feel like I was making pretty good strides with it. my job doesn't look kindly at any type of BD unless it's PTSD, I wasn't aware of this so once I found out I quickly steered it in that direction and became "cured". I know each person is different but it would be nice to find out where I "belong".

I have no empathy and I am unable to feel love. I'm charming and have many friends but it's all a facade. Not trying to be an edge lord but I've dealt with many life or death situations and seen people I've been close to die. During these situations I would feel fear for myself but was always able to take the right actions and react accordingly. After there was never any emotion, I remember pretending to cry so I could fit in with the group on multiple occasions. I do many nice things and act caring but it's all an act. I do it to project an image or gain somthing/an ally.

I don't want to harm people and I don't get enjoyment for others pain. I'm not a criminal but if I'm very certain I won't get caught have done not exactly legal things to achieve my goals. I have a loving family and wife but I feel completely alone. I look at my wife and kids and feel nothing. I think I'm a better father and husband then most because I know the actions I need to take and put on the smile. They love me so much but I can't understand why. I feel emotions like rage, anger, happiness, excitement, fear but it's all kind of on a surface level. Like this food is good, or sex feels nice it's never anything deep. Minus the depression, that has been pretty constant but most would never know as I have a smile on my face.

The lack of true connections on my end has been incredibly difficult and led to life long depression I keep hidden and a suicide attempt when I was younger. I deeply hated myself for being unable to connect and feel love as I didn't understand why.

Recently acceptance and medication has been a huge help. My whole life is still a facade and I hide behind a mask but at least I feel better about myself (meds are such a help) I know labels are bullshit but it would be nice to know where I belong. My therapist was bringing up things like ASPD, BPD, and Narriscissim before I found out that my job doesn't look kindly on these things and I quickly steered it to PTSD (I've been this way before my job and incidents) and quit therapy.

I brought this up on a different website dealing ASPD and everyone was edge lords/gatekeepers, or said I had to be a criminal. I know BPD has some of these symptoms plus the depression. It would just be nice to know I'm not alone. Plus I hope if I find someone like me I can get some advice about the future, I want to know if it's possible to ever change.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.
 
H

hurghydurdy

Active member
Joined
Oct 25, 2021
Messages
41
Location
uk
Was the therapy organised through your workplace? Most therapists keep information confidential unless there is an immediate threat to someone. Was there a reason you were concerned that they would inform your work place of potential diagnoses?

A diagnosis can be a difficult thing - having the right one doesn't necessarily change anything and they can cause more problems due to stigma etc. Though they are necessary for some situations (like getting disability benefits when needed) and like you say, for some people they are important to understand themselves and to know that they are not alone.

I guess my outsider position is to wonder if it is possible for you to seek therapy that isn't linked back to your work? It sounds like it was a helpful space for you and it seems like a real shame that you've had to stop with the therapist you were making good progress with.

Obviously none of us on here can tell you what is going on with you from your posts. Flattened emotions can be caused by a lot of issues; depression, NPD and ASPD included. BPD I believe tends to involve heightened emotions so I am not sure why your therapist would list them together but they will obviously know more of your situation than me so I am sure they had their reasons.

For what it's worth, I believe that no matter what the diagnosis the vast majority of people have the capability to change. It always takes work and the desire has to be there but I think there is good documentation, in science, psychology, literature and biographies of people making huge changes in their temperaments and behaviour in a huge range of circumstances.
 
B

BobbyDaBlahh

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2021
Messages
16
Location
USA
Thank you for the lengthy reply.
Right now I'm in another country where English isn't the primary language so I'm kinda stuck relying on my what's provided by my work place. I deal with some sensitive things with my job so reports do get filed. Not necessarily what I say (unless it's overly violent) but diagnosis get recorded. I have already shut down some avenues in my career by just going to therapy and getting on medication.

Ya your right I understand a diagnosis isn't going to change my world but it would just be nice to know I'm not alone and talk to some people who can relate for advice.

As far as the BPD thing I'm not sure, maybe it was because of the depression? From what I've seen it sounds like many other BDs dealing with flattened emotions don't seem to have depression. My therapist brought up behavior disorders on my third to last session. She also reccomend that I stopped seeing her and went with someone who could help me more a psychologist. This set of some red flags in my mind which led me researching BDs and effects it would have on my job. That's when I immediately steered it to PTSD and said I was "cured".

I mean I have chaged in some aspects because learning and accepting that I am not crazy (or maybe am crazy) and accepting myself for who I am has been pretty calming. Plus the meds really really stabled me out. I feel like I'm a level right now though where I have improved in some aspects but I'm kinda at my limit on what I can achieve on my own.
 
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