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I guess I can't put this off forever

S

spiderlilies

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Dec 3, 2017
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TX
I've been staring at this blank page for the better part of the last 10 minutes already. Anyways, hello from this out-of-touch recluse.

I apologize for the lengthy gut-spilling below-

I've been struggling with various things for years and years. Depression starts to sound less like a diagnosis and more like a buzzword. Just hearing it doesn't let on to the gravity of the illness. ADHD is a hellish maze that I've been failing to navigate from the start.

(You know how they say, "oh they're so smart!" to children who seem exceptionally intelligent for their age - reading at a college level in elementary school, top marks on tests, etc, etc - but then as the years go by and the child gets older, they burn out, become disorganized, and everything they used to excel at is suddenly a herculean task? I wasn't even properly diagnosed until I was 21. When I first started medication, it was like a miracle. I felt so "normal". But then it gradually stopped working.)

PTSD. Borderline personality disorder. Paranoid schizophrenia. Childhood abuse and neglect. Antisocial personality disorder. Dissociative identity disorder. Amnesia. Insomnia. Epilepsy. Anxiety. Catatonic migraines. I'm honestly not sure anymore what affects me the most, or what I should try to approach first.

Currently I'm only managing my insomnia, anxiety, and epilepsy with medication. That's already a lot of pills. Most of my childhood was wasted by psychiatrists who only tried the same types of antidepressants and then wondered why it wasn't making a difference.

So this is already terribly disorganized, but mainly I wanted to say that I currently live 24/7 in a highly dissociative state, out of touch with reality and the world. It's really hindering my ability to try to get help. I was only shaken today after watching a music video that really got to me, and made me feel repulsed by all my escapist habits and constant daydreaming.

If someone were to ask me what my goals in life are... it's a very short list. I'd like to be a college professor and a researcher in the zoology field; I'd like to be married and raise children. That's it. It's hard for me to imagine my future when I can't even properly remember my past. I think I've always had trouble with that. I'm more stable and less prone to emotional outbursts or episodes of blind rage now that I'm on HRT.

I don't know what note to end on. I guess I'll share the music video that helped me see clearly long enough to do something productive for the first time in months?

[moderated]

I know I didn't cover everything, because I'm very scatterbrained, but I'd be happy if people asked me questions and stuff, I think.
 
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Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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Spiderlillies, :welcome: to the Forum. Did your list of diagnoses get longer and longer as you got older and older ?? The more they tinker with your brain, the more damage is done. I'm sorry all this has happened to you.

I too started out with so much promise. They gave me an IQ test and I scored high. But the ridiculous way my parents behaved created mental/emotional problems. I don't believe there is a genetic or biological cause. Do you ?? I think the natural brain gets rewired with constant exposure to negativity. What do you think ??
 
S

spiderlilies

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TX
Yes, that is true. There were some conditions I had from the start, like ADHD, and others that didn't develop until my mid-teens, like PTSD from the way my family treated me and resulting depression, and then even more that didn't develop until adulthood, like schizophrenia, which is genetic in my family. As I get older, more problems crop up, and it's really overwhelming to deal with.

So I guess for me it's a mixed bag of predetermined conditions (e.g. epilepsy, schizophrenia, ADHD, etc.) and conditions that developed from negative circumstances and poor coping methods (e.g. dissociative identity disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD, etc.)

Then there's the weird ones where I'm not sure what causes them exactly (BPD, ASPD) but it's probably a mix of 1) being naturally predisposed towards those conditions and 2) meeting the right criteria to develop them during a significant time in your life.

(I apologize for all the rambling; I've studied a lot of neuroscience and neurochemistry trying to better understand these things and I'm trying to keep it all in layman's terms rather than a bunch of jargon lol.)

Despite having a lot of knowledge about pysch stuff, it doesn't necessarily help to motivate me to get help.

Tl;dr to answer your question directly there are definitely many conditions in which the brain is literally rewired after suffering perceived negative experiences. The most popular thing I can think to compare it to would be Pavlov's Dogs. I definitely recommend reading an article or two if you're not already familiar - I find this sort of material really fascinating. There are a couple related experiments that can be considered unethical, though, so they might be a little too morbid for most people.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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I wanted to know how much you have researched/read. So the last books I read were by Dr. Peter Breggin.

Are you wanting to get a new doctor but putting it off because it's such a chore to start again with new doctors, explaining yourself, etc. ?? dissociative state, out of touch with reality and the world. It's really hindering my ability to try to get help.

It must be very difficult for you with all these issues going on all at once. I have incompatible illnesses; the bipolar and sciatica and miscellaneous muscle disorder. If I get in the mood of high energy, I just end up hurting myself.

I have been to so many doctors. So I can understand if you procrastinate going to doctors as they are generally useless. But on some occasions they are able to help. It's for those rare occasions that we must get ourselves together and go.
 
S

spiderlilies

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I do actually like my current psychiatrist a lot. I don't have any issues with my current medication, which is nice. I have an appointment today, just to talk. More often, my appointments are just to monitor my psychosis and everything else that isn't medicated, make sure I'm safe, rather than actually prescribing me new meds. Since I had been having so much trouble finding a therapist, I've been using my psychiatrist as a stopgap.

The same day I made an account here I did make a list of therapists to try calling; I was just waiting for the weekend to be over. I've been more productive the last couple days than I have the last few months. (I also finally got over the flu today, a little extra bonus lol.)

The main issue I was having was my lack of motivation and defeatist personality when I first started out trying to find a therapist. I managed to gather the nerve to call a few I'd picked out, but they either didn't take my insurance (despite being on a list of providers that were on my insurance...) or just never got back to me, and I gave up because I felt so disheartened by my bad luck. Cue three months' worth of escapism and nonstop daydreaming.

The whole month of November was also just really horrible for me. I sprained my ankle very badly on Halloween night, spent the better half the month bedridden because I was too clumsy to use the crutches, and as soon as I had recovered enough to walk normally (although it's still not fully healed - I may have jumped the gun a bit) I ended up catching the flu. So I was very isolated from the rest of the world for an extended period of time, and while I don't necessarily get lonely, it's not exactly healthy either. I was still socially burnt out, but the fact that I couldn't go out even if I wanted to was kinda oppressive in and of itself. I couldn't even drive my car with my foot injured, since I drive a standard and need it for the clutch.

I told my best friend one night after wallowing in self-pity for a while that maybe I should stop focusing so hard on what I couldn't do, and instead put my energy towards something that was more manageable for ME. My friends on the whole are very supportive but I find it difficult to deal with people face-to-face. I have a phobia of being visible. I'd be fine with going out if no one could see me... So, the plan to make an account here was born from that. I'd be able to talk to others - which I normally wouldn't do - and I'd get to retain a comfortable level of anonymity. It's a good first step, I think.

I really, really apologize for my tendency to ramble on forever. I get a little embarrassed by how wordy I am. I also hope everything I typed isn't too disorganized to understand. The best analogy to ADHD I've ever read was, "It's like the fastest game of 'Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon' ever constantly going on in your head." And I guess if logical jumps are made too quickly, it's really easy to forget to write some of them down, which in turn can lead to some funny but also really confusing sentences lol.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

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spiderlillies, you don't need to feel self conscious about your "rambling" writing/post. It is not rambling at all. It is very coherent and covers all the issues. It is not even too long. Your writing is perfect.

I hope your ankle heals as best as possible.

Good luck Therapist Shopping. :)
 
S

spiderlilies

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Joined
Dec 3, 2017
Messages
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Location
TX
Thanks! I just went through my list and out of the ten I had written down, 3 weren't accepting new patients, 1 the line couldn't connect, 4 I had to leave a voicemail for, and 1 was for children only. But the last person on my list did actually pick up, and I scheduled an appointment for this Wednesday. So, progress.

I feel pretty good about today. Not waking up with sleep paralysis for the first time in a week is indescribably nice.

Thanks again for all the well wishes. I feel really happy right now.
 
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