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I give up (possible POCD) TRIGGERS AHEAD

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cjx433

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Enola PA
I give up

Throughout the week I've been trying to keep a level head through all of this. For the most part I'm successful but I'm not out of it. I fear that I'm in the obsessive thought part of the pedophilia diagnosis. Reasoning behind that is that I noticed again and had a reaction. Sometimes my brain tells me: "you're going to notice him again" and when I do, I get an arousal response. Im pretty sure that at the moment I enjoyed it, which I know is a rule-out for ocd. It almost felt "thrilling", like getting into a rollercoaster. I don't know if this is anxiety. Ii tried to pass it off as something that "just happens", but by the end of the day I started to feel suicidal and depressed. I'm not sure if it was because of this event or something else. Every time I write one of these it feels like I shouldn't be putting pocd in the title. Sometimes I find people that are going through the same problems as me with an ocd diagnosis, but it feels like I'm lying to myself. It feels like im desperate for it to be ocd. I don't know where any of this came from or why, all I know it's that its there. My body reacts to what I'm assuming it wants. I have no more control. I don't know what I like and after all this, I probably do have pedophilia. Someone please respond.
 
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Antartic Hand

Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2020
Messages
5
Location
Australia
Are you actually sexually attracted to children?
 
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cjx433

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Enola PA
Here's the problem. Throughout the time this has happened I haven't been sleeping correctly or even masturbating for a fact. My attraction to men is there and it is undeniable. Previously, the "what-if" scenarios were giving me anxiety. As a result, I decided to go as far as I can into these fantasies (NOT REAL LIFE) with minors to see if I got aroused. They didnt work. At this point I'm getting frustrated because I don't know what my body wants at this point. I swear that if this attraction to minors was real I havent noticed it in my teens as part of my development. All my crushes were age appropriate. I measured and kept track of my reactions at some point in time, telling this to my therapist and psychiatrist.

As of most recent, I've grown tired of having to struggle with this. After much posting in mental health forums including this one (check history), I've given up. I decided that my body will react to what it wants. As I've said before, I've had appropriate reactions with adult men, but when it comes to circumstances where children are around, I either avoid completely or compulsively stare, sometimes with a sexual reaction that I know I've had. It doesn't make me feel good to know that my body reacts to circumstances regarding minors and sometimes my attraction to adults seems like I'm faking it. I don't know where this came from or why, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Before it brought me anxiety, now it feels like coping.
 
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floral85

Member
Joined
Nov 19, 2019
Messages
19
Location
United States
Are you sure it's true arousal? Your anxiety can make it seem like arousal if you feel just anything down there.

The more you obsess about it, the more real it can seem. Think about arousal with men and then think about the feeling you think you feel with minors. Is it the same?

Definitely bring it up to your counselor though.
 
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cjx433

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Enola PA
It doesn't feel the same, no. I've described feelings with adult males as more relaxing and calming, contrary to the borderline aggressive and constant patterns at the other end of the spectrum.

I've described it to my therapist as I will to you: At the moment that I'm noticing something in a minor, a voice goes in my head as it would for an attractive person "notice his *insert body part*", this doesn't happen with adult males. Combined with the assumed "enjoyment" it turns into dread and depressed feelings afterward, sometimes even making me suicidal. something I also notice is that it never seems to be enough, I HAVE to stare and make sure that the reaction is there and if it is, try to actively diminish it.

With adults it's more subtle and even awkward at times, this because of the realization that those thoughts,although sexually positive and have more presence throughout my life in general, are not exactly PG or adequate for when I work since I interact with people.

Sometimes when I have a "negative" response, I have to lock myself in the bathroom and "catch" the reaction happening and sometimes compare two sexually explicit fantasies to see which one "works". It always turns out to be the adult ones the most predominant. But there's always the question as to why I had the "negative" one in the first place.

The main question is this,
Why do I engage in looking at features in minors and get the associated sexual response with it, however small it may be?

Every adult I see, i assume that I'm attracted to just because they look like children, their faces transform into a minor and its confusing me even more.

Thoughts?
 
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Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
56
Location
Australia
Here's the problem. Throughout the time this has happened I haven't been sleeping correctly or even masturbating for a fact. My attraction to men is there and it is undeniable. Previously, the "what-if" scenarios were giving me anxiety. As a result, I decided to go as far as I can into these fantasies (NOT REAL LIFE) with minors to see if I got aroused. They didnt work. At this point I'm getting frustrated because I don't know what my body wants at this point. I swear that if this attraction to minors was real I havent noticed it in my teens as part of my development. All my crushes were age appropriate. I measured and kept track of my reactions at some point in time, telling this to my therapist and psychiatrist.

As of most recent, I've grown tired of having to struggle with this. After much posting in mental health forums including this one (check history), I've given up. I decided that my body will react to what it wants. As I've said before, I've had appropriate reactions with adult men, but when it comes to circumstances where children are around, I either avoid completely or compulsively stare, sometimes with a sexual reaction that I know I've had. It doesn't make me feel good to know that my body reacts to circumstances regarding minors and sometimes my attraction to adults seems like I'm faking it. I don't know where this came from or why, but I just don't know what to do anymore. Before it brought me anxiety, now it feels like coping.
I feel for you. The fact you are trying soooo hard to "fix" this, or avoiding situations shows that you don't want to do anything to a child. You know it's wrong and you want it fixed. I have intrusive urges to kill people, including my own children. Sometimes it feels like I actually want to and then I switch to being scared. I research death at times because it's all I think about and I identify with traits of murderers. The difference is I don't want to hurt anyone, I just can't help thinking about it. I'm certain that if you wanted to act on your impulse /urge/thought that you would not be on this forum desperately seeking help xxx
 
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cjx433

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Enola PA
(Check post history)
Sexual content ahead

You guys I need help again,

I need to know if this is normal or not. Throughout the week I've been fantasizing about situations in which I could be a child molester (going to prison, getting beat up or some other forms of punishment). I also already assumed I'm a pedophilia, which doesn't necessarily cause me major anxiety anymore but it does put me in a depressed mood. I don't know why or from where this came from, but I'm ok now with accepting it. It's better than having to guess constantly.

On to an event that lead me to this post
I tend to view porn at my leisure and had a 19 year old guy in a live sex cam that I viewed. I assimilated the fact that he was 16 and was enjoying the masturbation, but then again, I'm not sure if it meant that I'm a pedophile that had an urge, because the sexual association didnt decrease. It actually felt intensified because I was bored of the other porn I usually see. At some point I didn't know if I liked it because the awareness of what was happening physically increased my arousal or because I made a connotation of him being 16. At some point I told myself that "it at least wasn't too young". I didn't finish, but afterwards I kept looking at forums of actual pedophiles and I keep relating to them. I'm at peace but also want to know what it all means. I'm actually pretty ok but still need answers. Whatever it is I still have to deal with it anyway.

Thank you
 
P

Professionalhypochondriac

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 14, 2020
Messages
53
Location
United Kingdom
To me this sounds like your ocd.... ocd can manifest with some strange obsesssions including necrophilia. The thing is that you know that it is wrong and the arousal response is something that your body can do.
It’s amazing how powerful the mind is...
Though if you feel like you are actually attracted to children then you need to seek help as obviously this is not normal.
 
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cjx433

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2019
Messages
17
Location
Enola PA
Thank you for replying.

LONG READ AHEAD

In response to my previous sexual history this all started as to what I'm assuming was anxiety response until this very moment. The anxiety has decreased but also ive had an increase in acceptance with the fact that I'm a pedophile. This doesn't necessarily have a "meaning" so to speak, it's just that it sounds like it makes sense. My arousal responses have been present as I've stated previously in both circumstantial and fantasy situations. The porn I described before was arousing and the fact that I theorized this guy as a minor wasn't exactly diminishing my reaction. It felt exponential, even though I'm not sure if I "believed" he was actually 16, which may have supported or diminished the arousal I had. My thoughts involve noticing body parts or textures and feelings (not exactly sure if this could be considered over analyzing since there was overlap with the arousal and masturbation). I fear that I consider the idea of adults as minors to be better sexually speaking.

I don't know why I'm considering a relationship with men to be so far fetched. I don't have the security or confidence to fantasize about men anymore since I base myself off of porn of adult males. Its lost its "charm". I can also notice patterns in my high school years. I had a crush on this guy which was really emotionally intense since I cared for him. But I could never fantasize sexually with him, and when I could, the arousal wasn't strong. I don't know if this sexual based obsession and responses are based around insecurity (which I've read is common for ocd) but I also have a "track record" of fantasies and events that make me consider myself as a pedophile such as sexual response to non-sexual touch by a minor one time, "attraction" to minors on movies and a situation that I can't remember if it was leading to possibly molesting (in my teen years). Ive told these to my therapist to which she replied that at least I didn't do anything. Not sure if it was anxiety back then. I can tell with confidence some of them were.

I just want happiness and to be loved. A relationship with a man is what I've wanted since my teens. I'm just not sure if it's true anymore since there's this utter bullshit to deal with. I've heard of pedophiles that are attracted to adults and can get married, but I feel so disingenuous as a married man that could be attracted to children . I've even grown scared of having a boy in the future for fear of growing attracted to him at some point (a concern I had even BEFORE I read an ACTUAL pedophile have this worry with his husband).

I don't know who I am or what I want anymore, as if i even knew in the first place. I don't know what enjoyment means anymore. It feels as if I've "grown tired" of what I considered attractive, if that's even the truth anymore.

There is a suicide plan that i have for the long term, at least that way i can claim my life as something that i had control over including my death.

I feel like I'm in compliance to my life, not actually controlling or enjoying any of it.

Any advice?
 
R

Rogue7

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 2, 2020
Messages
56
Location
Australia
(Check post history)
Sexual content ahead

You guys I need help again,

I need to know if this is normal or not. Throughout the week I've been fantasizing about situations in which I could be a child molester (going to prison, getting beat up or some other forms of punishment). I also already assumed I'm a pedophilia, which doesn't necessarily cause me major anxiety anymore but it does put me in a depressed mood. I don't know why or from where this came from, but I'm ok now with accepting it. It's better than having to guess constantly.

On to an event that lead me to this post
I tend to view porn at my leisure and had a 19 year old guy in a live sex cam that I viewed. I assimilated the fact that he was 16 and was enjoying the masturbation, but then again, I'm not sure if it meant that I'm a pedophile that had an urge, because the sexual association didnt decrease. It actually felt intensified because I was bored of the other porn I usually see. At some point I didn't know if I liked it because the awareness of what was happening physically increased my arousal or because I made a connotation of him being 16. At some point I told myself that "it at least wasn't too young". I didn't finish, but afterwards I kept looking at forums of actual pedophiles and I keep relating to them. I'm at peace but also want to know what it all means. I'm actually pretty ok but still need answers. Whatever it is I still have to deal with it anyway.

Thank you
I don't know what to say. I'm sad that you feel the way you do. Be careful looking things up (porn). I did this, looking up snuff porn and death porn to see if I got aroused. I think in the end I was just feeding my ocd so I'm going to try and stay away from trying to 'figure it out'. That constant need to 'check' if I'm actually wanting to hurt ppl is exhausting as I'm assuming your situation is too. Hang in there, I don't think you really want to hurt children xx
 
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