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I gave in after 14 years...now I dont want to stop.

KazamaGirl

KazamaGirl

New member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Arizona
#1
I self harmed very badly when I was 18. It was actually extremely bad. It took a lot to finally stop. The mother of one of my friend's told on me to my parents after I confided in that friend and they threatened to commit me if I continued. I hadn't been ready to stop but I did...

Over the years I'd been okay. Gone through a lot of jobs and a few boyfriends. One of them even tried to taunt me when we broke up by saying "Oh, and don't self harm yourself, I dont want to be blamed for that too "

I was okay though. I thought I'd finally gotten past the emotions that started it. It was 14 years later after all.

A year ago I met the love of my life unexpectedly. It was an online relationship. We both bought collectible wristbands, which led to me joining a VIP page for said wristbands and then joining their associated gaming page. That's where I met him, talking about games. He sent me a friend request and then invited me to a voice chat on ps4. We clicked instantly. We were both so drawn to ecahother. We started talking more than gaming, sometimes for 8 to 12 hours at a time. He ended up visiting for my birthday and it was the best week of my life. We officially started dating then too.

I take alm the blame for it going downhill. The distance w the s getting to me and bringing out my insecurities. I made sure to bring then up anytime I was feeling badly because I learned bottling up feelings didn't help. In hindsight I wish I would have just let then go.

I ended up making him feel inadequate when he tried to fix things he did that bothered me. I made him feel like a failure when he failed and I made him feel guilty for having his own life. I never meant for any of it to happen.

I didn't know he was struggling so badly. He was always so caring about me supportive. I wish I would have asked him how he was and what he needed.

It all came to q head Thursday. I was very depressed. I had a work thing happen where the office woman who is in charge of payroll got angry that I had worked OT. I didn't have a choice, I was asked to by my father who is my boss. She then implied that I was stealing time and not actually working 40 hours. I tried to talk to my father about this and per usual his response was to tell as t me and act like I was making something out of nothing.

I turned to my boyfriend for support and all I wanted was to hear that I mattered. In reality I prevented him from going to bed early when he was tired and I broke him. He couldn't do it anymore. He was so upset with himself that he couldn't just put his arms around me and hug me. So he told me he couldn't do it anymore. I begged for a chance to work it out and he said he couldnt.

I broke down. I overreacted. I was in such a low place already. I hung up on him. I haven't spoken to him verbally since, only texts a few days after.

We had talked about moving in together soon, which was a big deal since we are on opposite sides of the country, so I offered to finally make the move since she couldnt deal with the distance anymore. He said no. I asked him if he wanted to be with me anymore and he said no.

I dont blame him, I left him with no choice. He's been cutting me out of his life since then.

I broke. No appetite, hardly sleeping, heart aching. I lost the man of my dreams because I was insecure and selfish.

I started to feel the numbness I used to feel. Felt detached from myself. Limbs heavy, ringing in my ears. So I self harmed. And now I can't stop.

To top it off last night I got a text from his same area code taunting me about losing him. It all makes me want to give up
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
523
#2
Hi, I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a bad time.

Try to take time to look at the forums advice on coping with SH and try to use some of them. Also if you haven't already try to get some professional advice, a GP or counselor.

It's not easy to break the circle of SH, having failed again myself recently, I totally understand the need to feel something.

Try to be kind to yourself.

It will be hard but maybe try to talk to family and friends it can help to know you have a support network.

We are always around, so welcome to the forum.

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