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I Found Out My Husband Molested His Sister 20 Years Ago

C

Cylisy

New member
Joined
Apr 26, 2021
Messages
1
Location
USA
I met my husband, we'll call him Jack, in 2009. I was 19 and a sophomore in college. He was 27 working at a warehouse. I had just gotten out of a four year relationship with my high school sweetheart. Jack was charming, sweet, and something new so I was instantly attracted to him. Jack and I became friends and quickly became more than friends. Within a year we were "officially" dating in 2010. I graduated college in 2011 and we bought a house together later that year. We married in 2014 and welcomed our baby girl in 2018.

Throughout our relationship, Jack had always had a smooth tongue when it came to other women. He would talk to, solicit and receive nudes. Late 2018, when our daughter was five months, I discovered he had been having an emotional affair for approximately seven months. He told me it never got physical. I left him briefly. He cried and cried. Apologized and begged for me to stay. He said his life was meaningless without us in it.

So I went back to him.

His flirtatious behavior with other women never stopped. Towards the end of 2020, I was messaged at 2AM by his stepsister confessing that he molested her between the ages of 8-11 making him 14-17. She said he also molested one of their cousins. These alleged events happened more than 20 years ago at this point. She said she couldn't bear to keep it to herself anymore and was scared for my daughter. I confronted him. He didn't deny the allegations but simply said he couldn't remember. He had a difficult childhood full of emotional/mental/physical abuse. His parents divorced young and he lived with his mother who had different men in and out of the house all the time. He was exposed to drugs and alcohol in the house. His younger brother drowned when he was 19. Jack had to make the decision at 24 to take his mother off of life support. Regarding the allegations from his step sister, he ultimately admitted that it might have happened but if it did it was just one time and he never molested his cousin.

My initial reaction was fear and disgust. I talked to his other step sister and step mother who knew of the allegations but there was never any evidence or charges pressed. His family all thought I knew.

I devoted my entire adulthood to this man. Married him. Had a child with him. There were so many opportunities to bring this to my attention but it never was. It explains why he isn't close to his father and why the younger step sister never goes to family reunions.

Jack is many things but he is not a danger to his daughter. He has never pressured me into sex. He has never touched or behaved inappropriately towards our daughter. However I initially asked him to leave. I needed time to think.

He cried and cried. Apologized and begged for him to stay. He said his life was nothing without us.

Finances were hard covering a mortgage and a hotel room so I allowed him to come home. I gave him the ultimatum that he undergoes counseling. He agreed.

A few months go by. We have no intimacy. I'm still mentally torn between about what is the right thing to do. He loves me and his daughter. Yes, he has made mistakes but were they worth divorcing him? If he did molested his sister, it happened more than 20 years ago.

February 2021 I discover he was the admin of an "appreciation group" on Facebook where he would find and/or solicit nudes from women some whom he knows IRL. One of which is a sex worker he knows IRL (no hate towards her). He was engaging in distasteful conversations with her. He was also direct messaging another sex worker asking about her private group which she responds with a link to her Only Fans.

I won't go into the details of the argument that unfolded after my discovery because this thread is long enough as is. He never apologized. He got mad at me for looking in his phone. Made excuses that what he was doing was a non issue. He turned it around on me and flipped the conversation to focus on how he was supportive of me and wants the best for me; which wasn't the problem at hand. I gave him an ultimatum that including leaving the group, unfriending/unfollowing the girls, giving me access to all of his accounts and being faithful to me only or I would ask him to leave.

It has been two months and all he has done is leave the group and unfriend one of the girls. He is trying harder in a lot of ways, helping around the house more, etc. We have no intimate relationship. We are basically roommates coparenting our daughter who will be turning three in July.

I am at a constant war with myself. I have been betrayed, hurt, and emotionally abused for years. It never seems to stop. And I am also torn at deciding if he is deserving of being in his daughter's life. I do not believe he is a danger to her...but he has no problems with lying, keeping secrets, and sweeping things under the rug. I am so scared that something could happen in the future and I could have prevented it. But I am also scared to unnecessarily remove him from her daughter's life. I am also selfishly terrified of being a single mom.

I am writing this to get anonymous insight.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 9, 2011
Messages
39,134
Location
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
oh my gosh what a dilemma to be in ,i honestly don't know what i would do and i don't want to give the wrong reply so im just welcoming you here ,and i hope you get some helpful replies soon x
 
T

timing

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 6, 2020
Messages
84
Location
Indiana, USA
I write this with a heavy heart. I was the victim of sexual abuse by my older brother when I was 9 years old until the age of 12. They say as the victim you get stuck emotionally at the age it started. As much as I try to move beyond it and perhaps forgive, I can't. It was around 55 years ago and time did not heal it. All of that aside, I think my brother could have been a good parent. He and his wife chose not to have children. What concerns me is the other activities your husband has exhibited. They are red flags for any marriage even without his troubling past. I cannot see a way out unless counseling is involved. This could provide you with a new starting point or the knowledge to move on.
Even though I have been unable to forgive I think it is possible for others too. Do keep in mind what is best for you and you daughter. You can't go wrong that way.
 
E

EclipticNight

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 27, 2020
Messages
533
Location
Orleans vermont.
Once trust is gone it's gone forever. A tiger never changes its stripes. Do you want your daughter to learn to be like him or to think so little of her gender like he treats women? I would say you can't risk him in her life. Your little one comes first always.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,223
Location
US
I agree with the others. He has shown that this wasn't some one-time thing, that it is engrained in his personality, as is his deception. I was married to a con-man, they don't change. So as you say that you "wasted your adult life" on him, take it from someone who spent 20 years in a marriage of lies, it'll feel a lot worse 10 years down the road when you find out the next thing he's done. He sounds like a serial offender, and I'm really sorry for your predicament. Wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. You simply can't ever trust someone like this. He has told you who he is, so listen.
I wish you the best of luck with it, as I know it's easy to say these things but so hard in so many ways to do this. But staying with him not only devalues yourself and is more time with someone not worth the time, you will never feel peace b/c you will never know if you're being told the truth. You obviously are a good mom who loves her child, so please protect her.
Will have you in my prayers tonight. Good luck.
 
Sash1

Sash1

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 17, 2020
Messages
256
Location
Uk
It's such an awful dilemma your in..Did your husband go to counselling?

I think in any relationship when one partner does something wrong, the crying/begging/bargaining stage wears very thin, as it gets to a point were it's all they need to do to get you to take them back or forgive them, give them one more chance. I'm talking from personal experiences, with me, I kinda gave him the licence to keep on doing it, as he knew all he had to do was cry, and make promises, and I would take him back..

It's ultimately your decision obviously, but I dont think you will ever have any peace, constantly gaurding your daughter and any future friends she will start having around the house, or even girls sleepovers, it wouldn't be fair to to your daughter to deprive her of the normal 'girly' growing up things..if it's not his own daughter it could be someone else's. I hate to sound so harsh over this, and I'm sorry I don't mean to add to your worry and stress, but if that happened, and it came out you had suspicions, you would never forgive yourself.

Could you possibly have a trial separation until he gets more professional help?

I know bringing a child up on your own sounds scary, but better one amazing parent than two were one could be a potential danger..I think his stepsister has already been brave enough to speak out for her Niece so I feel you would get support from her too..

I hope you are ok and are here for you.. :hug:
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 16, 2019
Messages
1,591
Location
North Carolina
Ill be brief since so many are saying the same thing. Its obvious that your husband is not the monogamous type. He wont change. You need to leave.
 

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