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I feel weird.

  • Thread starter Meet me in the dark
  • Start date
Meet me in the dark

Meet me in the dark

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 17, 2019
Messages
109
Location
United States
My mind is getting hungry. It craves my blood. "No," I say. "It gets harder to feel every time you hurt me." So it thinks of workarounds... Maybe I'll just stay up super late, drawing and dancing and crying and clawing at my skin like I'm trying to escape a prison? Maybe I'll go get in my car in the middle of the night and drive and drive until I find a good tree to wrap myself around? Maybe I'll go down to the kitchen and start breaking plates? Or light something on fire? Or cut off all my hair? Or just start screaming??

Why... why do I feel this?... I had a nice day... but now I hate myself. I hate myself, I hate myself. Mm... It hurts... I hope this melatonin kicks in soon... My brain needs to be turned off.

I don't have much of any significance left to say but I want to keep typing. I like the words before my eyes. I like seeing the colors of the letters and hearing THEM plink against my skull instead of my own thoughts... Letters, letters. Nights like tonight I think I really am crazy. I am insane. What am I accomplishing with my life? I dropped out of college and I left my job and I'm afraid my best friend/boyfriend and I can't make it work and I'll just be... A sad little hermit, who makes no difference. I want to make art and stories but I don't believe in myself; I think they'll turn out stupid and won't be worth it... Who will read my books? Who will sing my songs? No one. They will reject them as the insipid ramblings they are. No, no. No. My head hurts. My mind hurts. Hurt. The sleepiness is coming on. That's good. And yet I sink my claws into the light, afraid of the dark pool of unconsciousness overwhelming me... what if I wake up and it all floods back?

Gonna be okay gonna be okay
I feel like I can't breathe
I feel sweaty and fat even though I'm just 120 pounds and I know that's "light" but I don't like it, no I don't

I'm sorry everyone for my bogus thread. Don't worry too much. I think I have it under control.
 
F

fightthegoodfight

Active member
Joined
May 7, 2019
Messages
35
Location
Florida
Hi. We haven't met, but I can relate to your pain and cravings to self hurt. I've been self injuring since I was a teenager, and I'm in my thirties now. It is always a day to day struggle. I guess all I want to say is you arent alone, I totally get it, and it's in these moments that i often try to remind myself to love myself, even if I dont believe it. Because i know when i wake up the next morning, I'll be sad I didnt listen to myself, and embrace my body for the sacred house that it is. Even if you dont know anyone else in the world, you arent alone, and you arent unloved. I may not know you personally, but I'm here for you, cause I know what it's like, and while I cant relate your your personal situation in that EXACT moment, I get why you want to do it, cause I've been there.

I guess my best advice is to stay away from things that'll promote it or enable it, try to lay down, and let yourself be carried to sleep. Remember that this will pass. I'm here for you and stand by you in solidarity. You are loved. I hope this helps. :hug:
 
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