- May 17, 2019
I feel like no on really likes me and wants me around so I isolate myself and stay home all the time. I just feel unwanted. I have no where else to go while staying at my mom's and I'm blacklisted from getting an apartment or house in my home city which sucks. I got into a fight with my younger brother who is 2 years younger than me, and now I feel bad about it and hate myself more and more as I think about it. My mom doesn't know but when she gets off work and comes home, she's gunna give us shit. But I told myself that's the last time I'm fighting anyone again because I truly want to be a peaceful person. That fight was so unnecessary and could have been prevented but my brother told me he was gunna stab me and that got me angry. He has a big bump on his cheekbone from me, I feel so upset with myself because I could have had for self-control. Aside from all that I feel so unwanted and the energy of people affects mine and I feel they don't want me around, even my own mom. It gives me anxiety because my mother isn't really that loving but more of a hateful person, but she lets me live with her. I feel so trapped where I am in my life. I'm wanted by the police for breaching and missing court 3 times so I might go to jail for a couple years. My life is full of bullshit, ever since I was 18. I think it's due to my mom isolating us from family and everyone when we were younger because when I was finished grade 2, she moved us to a reservation far from everyone, I feel it's because was selfish and didn't want to pay bills or anything like that being as it was rent free on the reservation, not even my own reservation either otherwise I would have grew up with my cousins but didn't. I feel if I slip up, she'll kick me out or call the police to pick me up. My life is completely messed up from as long as I could remember, mom was never home, not much food in the fridge, and mom was an alcoholic. I need serious therapy. I can't even vent to my mother without her getting mad at me so I don't really have anyone to vent to besides this forum. Some days I get so depressed about my life that I would rather be dead and feel everyone would be better off without me because shit, I feel like whatever happens in this house is my fault, or my family makes it seem that way. The world doesn't revolve around me but why does it feel like it does? Why is all the negative shit forced upon me? it gives me so much anxiety. I hate my life so much. It's hard enough that I hear voices and feel like people can hear my thoughts, along with a traumatized past and inability to do anything for myself, unable to talk to my mom on a normal plane. It's like she's proud to be the person she is, which is heartless, or it seems that way. I'm sorry, I just need to vent and have someone listen.