I feel trapped I need advice

[Niknik]

Hi, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post so I apologise. And sorry for the long post.

I feel like I've got too much going on and I don't know a way out. Yesterday the feeling overcame me to injure myself just so I could just have a break.

Firstly I have a partner who really tries to be supportive but struggles and I feel like he says the wrong things all the time.

I am a teacher and its only my 2nd year teaching . I have a GCSE group who are all failing despite my best efforts. I have 2 year old, who I love to pieces but tests me daily to the point of tears. I am supposed to be moving house in a few weeks time, moving from rented accommodation to our home as my partner just wants our own space, which means we are going to be up to our eyeballs in debt. My partner is self employed and has good months and really bad months so my wage is the consistent, bills paid, food on the table wage.

I hate my job it makes me stressed and anxious, I don't sleep, I become a horrible person to be around. I'm falling further behind in my job as the way I feel gives me no motivation so I don't complete the mountains of marking I need to every week or the planning I need to do to deliver the best lessons. I'm stuck in a vicious cycle.

About 9 months ago I spoke to my GP about it, his conclusion I was suffering with anxiety and depression. And on to the anti depressants I went, I started weaning off them before Christmas and now I feel worse than ever. I don't want to go back on to antidepressants as they just mask what is wrong.

I want to quit my job but don't feel I have the skills to start a new career and I can't bear the thought of being a failure and letting the kids down. I also feel like we wouldn't survive as a family if I didn't work, nursery cost £500 a month for just 3 days so I'd have to have a well paid job to still be able to pay all other outgoings...

I really feel like I'm trapped and there are no option for me. I've had a few suicidal thoughts but mainly the feeling of I just want to run.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[Kaiseradler]

Some problems really don't have practical solutions, if you hate your job but aren't able to find a different one (not that you shouldn't at least explore the possibility), what can really be done about it?

But one thing that stuck out to me was the moving to a different place, if it's going to be such a big stressor for your specially with the added economic burden, why are you doing that? I understand that there are two people in a relationships and your partner's needs and wants should matter just as much as yours, but if you're really so much at the edge then maybe that whole thing was a bad idea right now? Is he truly, fully aware of what you're going through? if not then there may be quite a bit of a breakdown of communication between the two of you and that never, ever helps.

I get the impression from your story that you're just feeling massively helpless within your own life, the most common cause of unhappiness, you're stuck in all sorts of situations over which you feel you have no control and that seems to be spiraling you into a dark hole of depression and anxiety.

The best solution for possible mental illness is no treatment at all but prevention and it seems likely that if you keep going down this road you may fall into some serious issues.

Without knowing details it's kind of impossible to say much useful but there's a chance you've fallen into a learned helplessness type of mindset and if that's the case you need to do all you can to break out of it. Sure, there may not be any practical way right now to change many or even most of the things that are affecting you but perception does make a difference and even just trying can change a little how you feel. For starters, if at all possible, can this moving be avoided at this point? if so then you should really talk to your partner about it.

Of course, this sort of thing will likely cause conflict but you have to decide which one is the lesser evil and the greater good in the long term. Will anyone really benefit if you just keep bottling it up and then have some sort of mental breakdown years down the line?

 

[Niknik]

Thanks for the reply kaiseradler. Moving house has been something I've wanted for a long while but your right, right now probably isn't a great time. Just like my partner wants more children, I've said that right now I can't cope, I don't know if I ever will to be frank.

My partner feels like my job is ruining both of our lives. I don't speak, if I talk I snap. I just want to be alone and that must be hard to live with. I feel like a waste of space, I'm bad at my job, I'm bad at being a partner (he said he can't put up with this anymore, even though he tries to understand) I'm a bad mum because everything feels exhausting and I'm irratable.

I am helpless and it is spiralling, faster now I'm not on medication. I hope I can take your advice and try to help myself more and try to change my situation myself.

Thanks