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I feel totally lost and disconnected

J

jimmyc10

Active member
Joined
Jul 1, 2014
Messages
33
I feel so lost. I don't know who I am any more. I've been living a 5 year lie. Ever since I could drink, take drugs, do whatever.... Ever since I left school where I was bullied so, so badly, ever since I used to see my father smashing the shit out of my mum.... I'd drink or smoke or do whatever just to make myself feel different. 5 years later, I'm trying to come off the drink as I'm having massive stomach pains daily, heart palpitations etc....

I don't think I deserve a spot on this earth. What am I going to achieve? I go to work, I come home. I go to work, I come home etc. I've no motivation for anything. My self worth has gone through the floor. Never shower, never brush.... I blame myself for being bullied and my father's actions towards my mum. I really do. If i wasn't such an out of place, pain in the ass son.... Maybe they would've got a long, maybe I would've made some friends at school. Maybe I would've made some friends by now, having left school and being in work. Nope.

Just feel like the end is near. What other option is there other than living this wanky life I have. I've tried counselling, meds etc.... It isn't happening.
 

MarlieeB

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Jan 15, 2013
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25,044
It's easy to blame yourself for being bullied but that is part of the bullying in my opinion. They bring you down more and more and you start to blame yourself. I have many times, blamed myself but you know what?

It's not your fault!

The way your father abused your mother is also not your fault. Did you take over his body? Can you control his mind? Did you do the abusing? No. It was all your fathers fault. :hug1:

I think personally getting off the booze will hopefully really help you. Have you ever had any kind of help with that?

Please, please stop blaming yourself. I know it's not as easy as just stopping and life will be perfect and that you may not even believe anything I say and that is okay, it really is. You can't help what your head is saying but and it's a big but, sometimes your head gets confused and doesn't know what it is actually saying to you.

When you had the counselling, was PTSD ever mentioned to you?

Marliee x
 
J

jimmyc10

Active member
Joined
Jul 1, 2014
Messages
33
I want to "know" it's not my fault. I just believe it is my fault. If i weren't there, I wouldn't have been bullied. I felt that small. I came home regularly with bruises and black eyes. If only I stayed home, it wouldn't have happened. Maybe I was just too intelligent for the rest of them.

I blame myself for my father's abuse toward my mother. I was always a bad child. I always got into trouble, whatever form it may have been. I was never well behaved. I feel this is the reason my father lost it with my mother. I take responsibility. A once calm placid family, turned into a monstrosity by my own actions. Nothing like this happened before school. What a childhood.

No doctor ever mentioned PTSD but I have never let that out to anyone. What i've said on this forum stays here... And when I say "stays here" I mean it.... I was sexually abused a number of times but too young and dumb to to realise it. The tought of it now makes me sick. Pysically sick. I want out.
 

MarlieeB

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Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
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Really none of it was your fault, you didn't do anything to deserve anything that has happened.

Of course if you want to only keep it in the forum then do just that but can I ask, just out of interest how do you feel the issues can be resolved if you feel you can't talk about it in real life?

I'm not having a go at all and of course you can use the forum however you want but sometimes, no matter how hard it actually is, talking with someone in real life, letting that emotion go might help?

I was abused by my brother and I blame myself. Now rationally I know it wasn't my fault at all and I have thought the same things as you but how did you know when you were so young that it was wrong? No one ever sat down with you either at home or at school telling you it was wrong because, in my opinion no one except the people who it happens to actually believes that these things take place and there is no education around it and that is just wrong. Sorry to have a little rant there in your thread :hug1:

As I said before you couldn't control your fathers actions, you couldn't/can't control your fathers body and mind. There are plenty of children who were always in trouble, that doesn't mean every single one of their things did what your father did.

xxx
 
Last edited:
S

secretsurvivor1

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 27, 2013
Messages
306
Location
SW UK
Sometimes getting into trouble is a cry for help. Trying to get some attention. Wanting someone to notice you were in crisis. At school we can be so unnoticed by adults and children can be cruel. Children's bullying is behaviour that would be criminal in adults. It is strange how it can be ignored by adults.
I have suffered similar problems and mental illness, and I now believe that the true cause of mental illness is trying to keep secrets. I have found it painful but helpful to talk, and when the secrets are exposed they are actually more manageable for me. I hope you ask for help. Booze is often used to close the mind on terrible memories and emotions, and without it you may need another outlet. Talking works best for me. Please try it.
 
J

jimmyc10

Active member
Joined
Jul 1, 2014
Messages
33
It's easier said than done to separate emotions from rationality. I quite wholly feel responsible. My whole life seems to be taking the biggest nose-dive it has yet. I thought I'd faced that dark hell hole already... I guess I'm going in.
 
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