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I feel suicidal and I don't know what to do anymore..

I

iwantto

New member
Joined
Oct 30, 2016
Messages
1
It's my first time posting anything here and I apologise in advance for my English and a long pointless post. I'll try to make it short.

I've been suffering from chronic depression and BPD for years now.

There have been times I thought my depression was getting better but it always come back to this point where I just feel like ending it all. I attempted suicide several times during last 2years but every time I chickened out last minute. But lately I'm actually researching how to do it right and it's scary. I'm scared of myself being this suicidal..

I've been on anti depressant and also been seeing a therapist.

My old T got really frustrated and angry when I attempted to kill myself second time (that was when I got diagnosed with BPD) and she just couldn't help me anymore so she gave a referral to this another therapist who I've been seeing for over a year now?

About a month ago, I hit the rock bottom once again and since then ive been getting worse. I told my therapist what I noticed and I got an impression she's not sure what to do with me anymore..

So 2 weeks ago, I had urgent matter at work I had to cancel the appointment last minute. I apologised and asked for a reschedule but she didn't give me any reply.

This happened few months ago and that time I just sent another msg asking for an appointment and she answered right away. I need help.. but I dont want to be desperate and send another msg especially when I feel my therapist is frustrated and probably want to and was going to give up on me. I don't see other reason she would just ignore my msg asking for a rescheduling. I don't blame her really. I'm about to give up on myself so I don't expect anyone else to be strong for me.

I'm just getting worse and worse.. I'm having suicidal thoughts all day everyday. It's scary... I'm scared if I'm going to kill myself.. I've been researching how to do it 100% successfully because I can't take a chance of failing it.

I got friends, family, work, and my lovely little dog which have been the reason I couldn't just give up yet. But those don't seem to matter anymore and that's why I'm so scared. I don't want to die... but I can't take it and I don't know what to do anymore... I really wish I can talk about it with someone who can take the fact I'm suicidal and not be angry about it.
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2015
Messages
17,161
hi I just wanted to say I read your post and I get exactly the same, often suddenly violently and out of the blue.

it is vile. and frightening. truly. Ive been dx with Suicidal Ideation which is very serious because it means I fantasise about it.

and I do. too often, more often than ill admit even here.

ive learnt to live with it, and there are tricks to distract.

DBT is good for SI because DBT (is supposed to) teach you how to observe your feelings then let them slip away instead of being impulsive.

so you go, gee I'm suicidal, I have even written plans and etc, but once you've done all that the impulse has passed.

So you need to stop being frightened, I think? and realise its just your brain playing its stupid tricks again.

I know its frightening, its bloody horrible. what scares me the most is, its about the only thing that is UTTERLY involuntary.

I have no control over it but I do have control over actions. ive developed ways to divert, cope, endure, I'm not sure.

understanding it was a Proper Condition helped. Made it seem less Weird and Inexplicable I think.

best
BDU
 
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