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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

I feel so unwell...

G

Ginger Kitten

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...so unstable. Angry for no reason, depressed to the extent I'm fighting very dark thoughts. This is unusual for me, too. I don't usually get agitated depression but agitated mania. I feel like I will never get on top of this damned illness, it's always coming up with new ways to torture me. And I'm being left to it by my mh team. Sometimes the treatment you get on the NHS really does suck, we're not imagining it...

In fact, my personal tutor at university told me she thought I was manic-depressive in 1988. It took the medical and psychiatric professions 24 years to catch up with her, as I wasn't diagnosed until 2012. 24 years: that was half my life then. And if they'd listened to me, 10 to 15 years before they diagnosed me, my illness would probably not have progressed as much as it has and become virtually untreatable. Sometimes I'm bitter about that.

Work stress triggered this, as it always does, sooner of later. Although I can barely survive on benefits and although the benefits system itself is punitive and stressful, I'm going to have to try to put up with it, because work just never works out for me. The stress always triggers the illness; always.
 
Karmaman

Karmaman

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If only I'd been diagnosed properly all those years ago instead of being put on medication after medication and left to carry on without any follow up advice until I started researching myself in my late twenties. I wonder how different life would be.
Another job on the line due to stress after all these years.
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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So it's the same for you, Karmaman: both the stress and the psychiatric negligence...

I try not to think of what might have been. Sometimes it's hard not to, but I try to think, okay, well, this is where I am now and that has to be my starting point. I can't go back and change anything, all I can do is manage with what I've got now. It may be ****, but at least I'm still here, still soldiering on. One day, I will move from this flat and this area that I hate and at least my life has a chance of being better one day. In the future, I will be more financially secure than I am now and not dependent on the pittance afforded by benefitsI get on benefit. That's the best I can do. Try to deal with my issues day to day and not try to look too far forwards or too far back. You can't step back into the past anyway and you can't know the future with certainty.

I'm sorry you've had a rough ride of it too. Best wishes, GK.
 
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keith74

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Sorry to hear of your struggles GK. I feel stress is the #1 trigger for most. I agree it is best to avoid the stress if at all possible. It is not worth the pain to just trudge on through it.
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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An all too familiar scenario for many of us GK, it almost makes you wish that the manic episodes came first so it could all have been sorted early on, doesn't it? There's not much I could say that you won't already know or that wouldn't annoy you at the minute by sounding too preachy, just make sure you hit that bugger back when it's hitting you!
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Me too
What do you do during the day?
I get bored sometimes
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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Thank you everyone for your replies, I do appreciate you taking the time. I'm feeling better today and even had a reasonable day at work. I still feel low but the fact I had to focus on something else at work other than my mood helped a bit. But I do wonder how I will cope if I feel agitated while at work; the truth is, I won't be able to and it will show in no uncertain terms... Oh well, better to cross that bridge if I come to it.
In answer to your question Tawny, I work two days a week, Thurs and Fri. I was fine with this until I got some awful feedback about myself from my line manager a few weeks ago and it triggered me. This came on top of another episode triggered by a colleague bullying me for six months. Work has not been a happy place for me for quite some time now. But I've got an Employment Advisor through my mh team and he's supposed to be negotiating with my bosses at work next week. I'll see what happens then.
Once again, thanks to all of you for caring and dropping me a line. GK x
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Glad you're feeling better GK, you're a tough ol' bird (am I allowed to say that? No I'm not, shit, too late! 😋)
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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Glad you're feeling better GK, you're a tough ol' bird (am I allowed to say that? No I'm not, shit, too late! 😋)
Less of the old, Wishbone (and you're a one to talk!). Seriously, I don't feel tough, I feel quite fragile. I just wish I felt less at the mercy of my emotions. I've tried all sorts of things to control my moods over the years, in fact, I almost feel I've learnt too much about this illness: sometimes, it gets confusing... Anyway, I've got ten days off now so going to try to relax as much as possible. I'll see how I feel then. Best wishes to you all, have a good week. Ginger.
 
G

Galaxy

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Hi GK, I feel similarly to you re work. When I'm well/not unduly stressed, work is very beneficial to me, but when I get stressed (not just by work) is when mania tends to kick in which is currently happening for me. Is the employment advisor Access To Work? If not you could maybe think about applying for this. There is info on the gov.uk website (basically a grant to enable a support work and any equipment etc to help people gain work/stay in employment). I get 2 hours of support a week via this scheme which definitely has helped me stay in my current job and have accommodations
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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No Galaxy, the advisor is through my mh team, but he essentially has the same function: to find people work and/or stay in it. I don't think any amount of support is going to make me find my current job palatable. The tide has turned there and tbh, I'm not the only one who has found it difficult: four people have jumped ship in about the last month, including a friend of mine. She disliked the atmosphere herself and also found the disorganisation and constant change of information impossible to cope with. Luckily for her, she had a 30 year career in something else to fall back on. She's much happier now she's out of the place and doing what she loves.

I'm not in a similar position though. I guess I could go back to massage, but I couldn't make that work as a career as I couldn't get enough repeat custom. Or I could complete my swimming teacher training, but I've lost enthusiasm for that and in any case, now is the wrong time to return to it: there are no local pools offering training. Most pools and leisure centres were hit hard by the pandemic and are still not back to normal; it will be some time before they are.

But at the moment I am seeing everything through a negative filter. Another reason to leave this job: it's brought about 2 episodes in short succession and I'm still trying to recover stability. Thanks for your reply.
 
G

Galaxy

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Oh Ginger Kitten, that does sound like a very poor work situation yes

I know I am lucky as I work for a charity that supports people with disabilities so I feel very well supported even outside of my ATW support. I'm not sure I'd be in work without that

Sending love
 

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