I feel so lost and overwhelmed

Shana09

Shana09

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#1
TRIGGER WARNING
What I don't understand is why they aren't getting to the root of my concerns. I've hurt people and I know they want to hurt me back; I don't know how to stop them or if I can stop them at all. They follow me everywhere and they're really clever so I have to be cautious that they aren't communicating with me via an elaborate disguise.
I become really anxious whenever I'm outside, especially in supermarkets or malls and I can't stand buses although I'm always on one, most Tuesdays... I watch my staring when I'm outside, in case I unintentionally hurt someone or as a way to protect myself in case people are trying to vacuum my thoughts out from inside my head, to use against me. I can feel it, physically, when this happens; it's like I'm being emptied and I can see my thoughts jumping out; The eyes turn almost demonic too when I look back up and that's when I know they've succeeded.
I have these disturbing images in my head, involving my family and it makes me feel like an unpleasant person. They try to make me reenact the images, they want me to hurt them. They say that I shouldn't trust them, that they're going to hurt me and I have to protect myself. I don't want to give in, it terrifies me to death. I want all of this to be over but the only thing I can think of is permanent.
 
NWiddi

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#2
Sounds a bit like me during my psychosis, disturbing images and delusions about people wanting to harm me or my family.

Are you still on the anti-psychotics?
 
Shana09

Shana09

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#3
Sounds a bit like me during my psychosis, disturbing images and delusions about people wanting to harm me or my family.

Are you still on the anti-psychotics?
Yes, Olanzapine, but I take the smallest dosage. I've asked for an increase to make the images and the voices go away but I'm scared that they'll decline an increase.
 
NWiddi

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#4
My doctor was happy to keep upping my dose up to 20mg of Olanzapine, unfortunately it doesn't stop the images or voices but only weakens them.

Have you tried CBT to help you cope with them better? I've been ignoring my voice successfully for nearly three years now.
 
Shana09

Shana09

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#5
My doctor was happy to keep upping my dose up to 20mg of Olanzapine, unfortunately it doesn't stop the images or voices but only weakens them.

Have you tried CBT to help you cope with them better? I've been ignoring my voice successfully for nearly three years now.
I'm receiving Cognitive analytic therapy, currently x
 
NWiddi

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#6
That's good, are you getting any benefit from it?

I did CBT but I didn't have any stress due to my voice thanks to being on medication so she couldn't do much for me, I'd like to think I taught her as much about voices and where they come from as she taught me about coping with them.
 
Shana09

Shana09

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#7
That's good, are you getting any benefit from it?

I did CBT but I didn't have any stress due to my voice thanks to being on medication so she couldn't do much for me, I'd like to think I taught her as much about voices and where they come from as she taught me about coping with them.
I'm not entirely sure yet, since I've had only three sessions so far x
 
V

Voices999

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#8
My doctor was happy to keep upping my dose up to 20mg of Olanzapine, unfortunately it doesn't stop the images or voices but only weakens them.

Have you tried CBT to help you cope with them better? I've been ignoring my voice successfully for nearly three years now.
Do you continuously here a voice when on medication?
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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#9
Do you continuously here a voice when on medication?
Yes, I haven't found a medication that can stop my voice but it does reduce the volume of him by around 95% which is great and allows me to ignore him completely.

He still talks non-stop most of the time but I've become desensitised to him.
 
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