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I feel so isolated from everyone including myself

T

TheLengths89

Member
Joined
Apr 5, 2017
Messages
5
Writing this purely out of the desperate need to talk to someone about how I am feeling. I'm at a total loss and don't know how to manage whatever it is I'm experiencing.

Lately I am completely overwhelmed by a feeling I can't really define. It's like a combination of anxiety and disappointment - it almost feels like grief, in a way. But, in the shortest summary I can manage, I feel at a total loss with my life. I'm desperate to make something of myself, be someone and do something that I am proud of, but I can't work out what I want to do so I am just stuck going through the motions, working long hours in the same job and just surviving day to day. I already have a degree and a PGCE, and I have a mortgage with my fiancee, so my options are limited in terms of re-training from a financial point of view. I would be willing to take the jump to re-train as long as we could afford to get by if I could just work out what I want to do. Even writing this here feels so self-indulgent, I feel guilty for being so wrapped up in my feelings the way I am, but I am losing so much sleep and feeling physically unwell a lot of the time because I constantly feel so overwhelmed by these feelings of not being the person I want to be, and not even knowing what that is to try and get on with working towards that. Essentially, all this has come about off the back of me being forced out of my teaching job 2 and a half years ago. I have always been a high-achiever, top grades all through school and college, those around me have always had high expectations for me and so have I - it's something that's hugely important to me. And I completely ruined my own career by lacking motivation and time management and good relationships (with others as well as myself) and basically poured the fuel on my own career and set the fire that destroyed it. And I can't get over it. I got myself into another sector pretty quickly and I am doing OK in that job, but it's very low-paid and doesn't feel "enough" for me. I'm restless with dissatisfaction all the time. And I just cannot get past the fact that I failed not only myself but so many other people when I had to leave teaching before I was sacked, basically. I still have nightmares about it now. I am constantly paranoid at work that people are talking about me, that senior leaders are plotting to get me out of the organisation because they aren't happy with my work. Constantly terrified of making a mistake that will lead to me getting sacked. I feel like I am on edge all the time in the background of my own life.

On top of this, other aspects of my life are lagging, buffering, in a similar way, too. A couple of years ago I started to write again (something I always loved to do as a kid and a teenager) and I started to attend events for this, but I completely lost the ability to write anything at all about a year ago. Friends I had made in the writing community have now distanced themselves from me and lost respect for me because I don't go to many events all all anymore. How can I when I can't write a thing and have nothing to contribute at all, though?! I work really long hours so am trying to navigate this with maintaining my relationship and still trying to go to the odd event so I don't get completely cut off but in the process of trying to be all things and keep all people happy, I feel like all I am doing is disappointing everyone and creating distance and tension with all people. I certainly don't feel like I have friends these days. Even my oldest friends are acquaintances now. I try and be there for them but ultimately I'm a shoddy friend and relative and this is also the reason why none of them reach out and chat to me if I don't get in touch with them. My mum is depressed and I don't know how to help her - she won't admit that she is so it makes it very difficult for me to be able to say or do anything constructive.

Basically, in short, I want to be someone I'm not but I don't even know who and what I want to be to start working towards it, so I'm just stuck in a place where I am disappointed with myself. Despite wanting to do a bit of everything to be the sort of person I would look up to, I have absolutely no motivation to do anything at all - I'm desperate to get myself fired up to work on things and clean my house but instead I waste all my free hours on absolute nothingness. I feel so exhausted all the time but can't sleep half the time. And I am completely riddled with guilt and humiliation about my past, with the teaching experience and the awful impression I made and negative impact I had on so many people - it completely haunts me.

I'm ashamed by how much this is affecting me tbh. There isn't a single person in my life that I feel I can talk to about this honestly. But this feeling of desperation I am having at the moment is swallowing up all of my days and eating me alive. I just needed to get it out somewhere in the hope that there is someone out there who may be able to relate and maybe offer some guidance on how to get past all this, get out of this hole, find my "thing" in life to thrive in and move forward. I'm just so very lost. I can't escape the person I am and all the ways I have failed people, especially myself. I'm so angry with myself, so bitterly disappointed with myself, and just feel so alone with the burden of it all. I feel selfish for feeling this way when others have bigger problems.

If you've read this far, THANK YOU. I appreciate you and your time so very much. Would be so grateful to hear from you if you can share any light.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
5,204
Location
California
Hi, I saw the title of your thread and can really relate to that statement. I am sorry you are feeling this way. I also can relate to trying to make others around me happy, even though I know I can't actually do that. I can be kind and understanding, but that is about it. Right? I also think that your friends haven't lost respect for you. Sometimes we feel that way because we've kind of lost it for ourselves. At least, I think that is the case with me.

I'm sorry to hear about your teaching career. Are you still interested in teaching? I'm a teacher. It's been hard this year especially. This has been a hard year overall. I'm having trouble functioning and staying focus, overwhelmed. I feel like I'm shutting down, so also angry and bitterly disappointed in myself.

I'm trying to get a therapist to help me work through this. Have you considered getting a therapist or joining a support group. I'm sorry about your mom. It's hard when a parent is depressed. My mom is as well, and has been for so long.


Please don't feel like you are indulging or bad that you are expressing yourself. It's good to know that you are in need of change of some sort. Kind of hard sometimes to figure out what exactly, but knowing there needs to be some change or support might be some of the feelings of desperation. It's not indulgence to try to answer your need for help or change. Years ago I needed both and was feeling very desperate. Someone said, then change. I wasn't sure exactly what to do with that statement, but knew there was some truth in it, and I got help and change followed. Felt balanced for a long time. Very stressed right now, so I need some sort of change in how I am dealing with things. Hoping to connect with a therapist.

Wishing that you are able to find support too as what you are dealing with is difficult. Best wishes. 💗
 
Joe57

Joe57

Former member
Joined
Sep 28, 2021
Messages
201
Location
US Pacific NW
Thanks for sharing, TheLengths. This could’ve been written by me, thirty years ago. Except I was in sales, not a teacher. My thoughts:

nobody cares about you or talks about you. At least, not in the way you think. They have their own lives to attend to, and you don’t matter much. Nothing personal, that’s the way people are. So forget about what others think and concentrate on you.

things will get probably fall into place for you when you get a great job……or when you are taking meaningful steps towards that goal. with a background in education, you have a great foundation to work with. find another position as a teacher, or use your transferable skills in another field.

I suggest you set a deadline to make a decision, chart a new course. Get input from your fiancé. Personally, I wouldn’t take more than 30 days to figure it out. Once you do that, you’ll feel much better.
 
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