• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

I feel so empty. I don't even know why anymore. So here's my story.

Feritas

Feritas

New member
Joined
Aug 3, 2020
Messages
1
Location
Germany
My reason to write it down here is because maybe someone will understand what i do not understand. This is probably going to be a very long text.
Maybe it will help someone else in his/her life. Maybe someone even find the right words to help me even though this has never happened before.
Right now, i am a 25 year old guy, living in a apartement with my dog Lea.

Im dead inside. I dont feel anything towards anyone i know. I dont feel anything about myself. I dont love me, but i also dont hate me. I may have depression and i am just so used to it i dont really notice it anymore. However, before long talking, lets just begin sharing all the different moments and situations that may led to this.

It all started in first class. InKindergarten, i was a child like anyone else.
However, in first class i was more active than other kids. I always wanted to move around, to do sport. My teacher could not handle it. She was also a horrible teacher to be honest, little she was caring about anything. My classmates started picking on me because i was not wearing some really cool clothes or because my ears were standing wide.
I started to play pranks on my teacher to gain some laughs and a better reputation. The teacher always noticed the pranks, but never how i was picked on. No teacher ever did.
Then i had to go to a psychotherapist or something. I was diagnosted with ADHS and had to take some stupid pills for many years. Today i know only one thing of it: This happened because of the greed. They just saw an active kid and then "here, he needs those pills".

I switched classes, got another teacher who was much nicer and thanks to the pills i became a LOT quiter. I stopped playing pranks, my grades were 1 and 2 in everything, but the picking actually didnt stop. I've never got to become one the cool kids, and that one therapist always took me out of class two times a week to play some boardgames with me because i was very fond of playing didnt make it any better. The picking became bullying, situations i got drawn into a corner after school, threatened and slapped just for fun or because i did not believe in god. They took all the reasons they could get.
Sometime in the third grade, something happened inside of me, i dont know what, and i lost motivation to learn. My grades became worse and i never found interest in the life outside of fantasy anymore. After i switched school and came into the fith grade, my brother showed my World of Warcraft. I was sooo deeply lost in there for many years.
My grades became even worse. I was still the quit one, but after fourth grade my parents stopped giving me those pills. I still had to visit many therapists, had to do all kind of tests with them. They looked at my brain activity via cables, tested my concentration, how i move and everything. I did fine in all those tests and being claimed very intelligent.
But thats all that happened. I had to visit a therapist once a week to make some more dumb tests or play board games. I had more therapists than classes! The picking and bullying went from one school to another. I always tried to laugh and act like it was funny. They may have not cornered and threaten me like in the school before, but because i was playing along, the fun they made of me became much much worse.
I was just sitting in the school, head on the desk, waiting for the day to end. Ive completely stopped learning, inside and outside of school. All i wanted was to go and play videogames at home, alone. Or read my books. I have read the whole Harry Potter series at least 5 times. I actually did have had some "friends", but they also never were true friends. They never covered me. They never helped me. I did had some fun with them in the breaks, but thats it.
My unwillingness to learn at school and denial of everything went so far, that i had to go to a school for "Hard raisable children". 4 teachers, 2 educators. We were maybe 10 pupils at once at the whole school and i was in the middle of them. They were, what i definitely never was. Antisocial "gangsters". Playing all big, doing really bad things, breaking the law, seriously hurting other people and then, there was i. The quite one, the one who always was being picked on.
And of course. This did not stop there. They just did with me whatever they wanted to and took from me whatever they wanted. I was there for 3 years. In my third and last year, i was the "oldest" one on that school, most others being gone, new having arrived. And in that last year, i sweared to myself to never ever let anyone getting near me.
Then the time came for professional school. I've actually became a monster. Not only unwilling to do anything demanded from me. I verbally attacked anyone of my classmates speaking to me, laughing at them and tried my hardest to make them feel like dirt. It was also around that time i found my first and last girlfriend online.
Met her in World of Warcraft, we fell in love and i even visited her two times for a week each. We were together for almost a year. It was a wonderful time, but it wasnt supposed to hold. As with many online relationships, the distance is too much and the feelings fade away. She started being annyoed whenever i wrote to her, this was going for more than a month until i could not take it anymore and broke up. This was, like, one of my hardest decisions in life and today i still miss her somewhat.
Well, back to school. I tried my hardest to make anyone feel like dirt. I even started something i have never done before: Not showing up at school. For me, there was no sense behind it. I never thought of my life in the future, i never cared. There are people everywhere in the world and videos and so on telling you, that bullied children will be the most beautiful inside, that they are only sharpened while the bullies stay ugly and meaningless and so on.
Bullshit.
I swallowed my sadness, my anger, my fear for my whole life long. And that did not go well with me. Besides having a GF for one time, i was never able to share any of whats happening inside of me. Of course children will not share this with their parents. They still dont know up to today whats going on with me. I dont even know who i am anymore or what i am. I always dream of dragons, such majestic creatures, and then they are hunted down by humans all for greed and glory. I found my love for dragons a while ago, not the type of love you would see in a furry community. I kind of praise them. I swore to never play any game or read any book where dragons are harmed.
There is also only one god for me, and that is the law of mother nature, and nature will take it's revenge on us one day.
Yes, i started to hate humanity. I was made being fun of my whole life by so many people. Only online i found some friends with 18 i can count on. 2 of them are still my best friends and we help each other wherever we can. Thanks to them, i turned back to normal, kind of.
I still cant get over my hate and anger, everywhere i look i see the same faces. Faces who act all friendly, who demand to be friendly, but wont even give a homeless person some bread.
I am never really outside my doof except to buy food, go to work or walk my dog. But one time i did years ago and i saw a homeless woman, sitting on the street like dirt with thousands of people walking past her and ignoring her. I couldnt bear it, i had to go to the bakery and buy her some food. I just walked up to her, gave her the bread, she smiled at me, said "Danke. Du bist wirklich nett" (In english: "Thanks, you are very kind".) and suddenly, most people around us started clapping their hands.
Why are you clapping your hands?? I have nearly nothing and shared what i have. Instead of clapping, go to the store and buy her some food or give her at least one Euro. Clapping wont help anyone.
Thats whats making me sick. People appreciate the ones actually doing something for others without possibilities, but doing something by themselfes? All i think today when i see other people is "hypocrite".
However, this feeling i also sucked up to the point i dont realize it anymore.
Ive had so many negative feelings, and i dont know where they are anymore. I dont have any positive feelings about anything. No one ever cared for me in real life, so i stopped caring for myself.
I am right now sitting here, with some really wild hair. My parents tell me to go let them cut because it looks terrible. But i dont think i will because why should i? This is right now my whole existence. Why should i do anything? No ones caring anyway except my parents, but parents are parents, not your friends, not your love, not someone you can meet and build something up.
I dont know what to feel anymore. I dont know how to care anymore. I know i will never find any friends like this, but i also definitely cant get out of my situation. I am just sitting here, on my chair, doing stuff on my PC, everyday after going home from work, which i do with the most played neutral motivation someone could ever see. I just go there, work my hours, and go home.
I know if this is going to continue like this, i am going to die alone when i am old. And yet, i dont even know if i have a problem with that. My life has gotten full of emptyness.

I just wrote down whatever came to my head what i remember. There is.... still so much more, but i would then still be writing for at least 3 hours.
I know, my english sucks here and there. It's just not my main language, mostly learned from communicating online. And maybe many things i dont have explained enough. I dont know. This is the first time ever i wrote something like this down. I dont feel better. I dont have hopes.
I just kinda wanted to finally write it down since in the last time, i was repeatedly asking myself, who i am, what i want to do and where my road will take me and to none of this i can find an answer.

Thanks to whoever is reading all of this. You may think good or bad of me, i dont know.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
3,669
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. I think you are very brave to share your experiences here. Can I just say, your English is fantastic! I understood every bit of your post.

I think you were so let down at school. You were an active child who the adults could not handle so it sounds like they decided to medicate you to make themselves feel better. All the therapy you had playing board games really did not sound helpful and just seemed to alienate you further. I am so sorry for the horrible bullying that you had to endure. It sounds like it happened everywhere you went. Putting you in that school for troubled students must have been awful. You were so different from them.

I can fully understand why you feel numb and emotionless. You have been bullied and isolated your whole life and with little support. Perhaps shutting down is your brains way of protecting yourself from further pain. With all you have experienced I can see why you no longer trust people. You have learned people are unkind. It does sound positive that you have managed to make some good friends online.

I think you would benefit from therapy. You could talk about all you have been through and how it is impacting your life now. It can help to make sense of it all. You are doing so well to hold down a job despite feeling depressed. I think you should be proud of that. It is lovely you have your dog to bring you some joy. I think animals can be such a comfort.
 
P

Prycejosh1987

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
620
Location
UK
Im dead inside. I dont feel anything towards anyone i know. I dont feel anything about myself. I dont love me, but i also dont hate me. I may have depression and i am just so used to it i dont really notice it anymore. However, before long talking, lets just begin sharing all the different moments and situations that may led to this.
You need to love you, loving yourself is what will help you stay focused to climb mountains and also will help you go through muddy terrain.
 
Top