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I feel so alone

  • Thread starter ijustdontknowanymore
  • Start date
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ijustdontknowanymore

New member
Joined
Jan 10, 2022
Messages
2
Location
Cornwall
Hi everyone. This is my first time using a forum.
So, I have just returned from the United States where for the first time in years I felt like I had finally achieved something. My dream job. Something that made me happy. That dream job was taken away from me within a week of arriving. I have suffered with bulimia for 7 years. That's the one diagnosis I have been given. I don't go to therapy, I don't visit the doctor so anything else I might mention about my feelings etc is all based on my own thoughts not a diagnosis of anything else.

For the past 7 years, I have felt so small, so sad and so lonely. But right now, I feel so broken. Everything I ever wanted, everything I ever worked towards has gone. I was working as an Au Pair for triplet one year olds who stole my heart. Their parents, my host parents were perfect. I finally felt like I was apart of something, apart of a family, their family. They knew I had had an ED in my past because that's what I told them. What I failed to tell them was that it wasn't in my past and that it is very much an ongoing condition that has been continuous since day 1. But that's what people like me do, we lie because when people know who we really are, what we really are, that's all they see. In my case, 'the girl with the eating disorder.' Not only are we judged for it, we are also punished for it being told what we can and cant do because of our 'illness.' So I lied. But with the plan of finally finding help once in the USA. I never got that chance. My host parents figured it out. Quite clearly very quickly. They told me they wanted to help me and for me to get the help I needed whilst still caring for their children and living in their home. They told me they didn't judge me nor thought my judgements or actions were clouded by this. They told me they saw beyond my ED and always did. But that wasn't true. Their version of 'help' was informing my agency of this ongoing problem. They were told I had to leave immediately where I was sent to a different state to stay with a stranger who looks after Au Pairs who do not work out with their host families for a number of reasons. I was given NO information from the agency. My host parents were given some but not a lot. I was in a new place being UBERED in the dark to who knows where at that point. I was scared, I was broken and once again thrown away like rubbish by somebody else I really believed cared about me. Because that's all I am. Trash, garbage, rubbish, useless, continuously in the way, a problem, a burden, unwanted, unneeded, a waste of space, pointless, a NOBODY.

The programme were next to throw me away with no care for my future plans or wellbeing. So I flew to Florida to stay with friends over the holidays where I just forgot everything. Or at least tried too.
I returned 'home' on Tuesday and since then I've starved myself and refused to leave my bed. I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here. And my family are far too toxic to be around. I live with my parents and siblings.
I just feel so broken, so alone, so empty. I cant see the light anymore. Not even a single spark. Everything has gone cold as though all the happiness has gone from the world. In my world at least. No one has checked on me. I have all this extended family and friends who say they care and want the best for me yet are nowhere to be found when I really need them. It's so easy to say you care about somebody when they're struggling or when their not. And most of the time, they'll just ask so that you'll say "I'm fine" so they don't have to deal with you anymore. But nobody really cares enough to put in that effort to really see how you are and if you're okay. To see behind the wall and the hurting eyes. To know that when you do respond with "I'm okay" "I'm fine" "I'm good" that you're absolutely not okay, you're not fine and you are far from being good. That is when asked anyhow. Everyone is always there at first but then they leave just like they always do. Even when I really just need somebody to scoop me up off the ground and hold me. Because I cant do this anymore. I cant keep dreaming and hoping and having faith for it all to ALWAYS be ripped away from me. You know what they say about hope. It breeds eternal misery. I don't have the strength anymore. My whole life, nothing has ever worked out for me, anyone who knows me could tell you that and right now the thought of disappearing is the only thing I can focus on. Aren't you just sick and tired of being you?
It's hard to believe that anyone outside of my family would even notice that I was gone and for those who are related to me, they wont miss me. Maybe at first but everyone struggles with change at the beginning. And they will all soon realise that they are so better off without me. Everyone is.

Which brings me to this site. I have never spoken to anyone who feels similar to me before. Not really. And I know that unfortunately, there are so many of you out there. I don't know what I'm asking for or if I'm really asking for anything. I just know that I am stuck and I don't know how to get out. But that I really, really want to get out.
If you took time to read this, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
 
O

Orangeade

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 23, 2021
Messages
1,739
Location
England
Hi everyone. This is my first time using a forum.
So, I have just returned from the United States where for the first time in years I felt like I had finally achieved something. My dream job. Something that made me happy. That dream job was taken away from me within a week of arriving. I have suffered with bulimia for 7 years. That's the one diagnosis I have been given. I don't go to therapy, I don't visit the doctor so anything else I might mention about my feelings etc is all based on my own thoughts not a diagnosis of anything else.

For the past 7 years, I have felt so small, so sad and so lonely. But right now, I feel so broken. Everything I ever wanted, everything I ever worked towards has gone. I was working as an Au Pair for triplet one year olds who stole my heart. Their parents, my host parents were perfect. I finally felt like I was apart of something, apart of a family, their family. They knew I had had an ED in my past because that's what I told them. What I failed to tell them was that it wasn't in my past and that it is very much an ongoing condition that has been continuous since day 1. But that's what people like me do, we lie because when people know who we really are, what we really are, that's all they see. In my case, 'the girl with the eating disorder.' Not only are we judged for it, we are also punished for it being told what we can and cant do because of our 'illness.' So I lied. But with the plan of finally finding help once in the USA. I never got that chance. My host parents figured it out. Quite clearly very quickly. They told me they wanted to help me and for me to get the help I needed whilst still caring for their children and living in their home. They told me they didn't judge me nor thought my judgements or actions were clouded by this. They told me they saw beyond my ED and always did. But that wasn't true. Their version of 'help' was informing my agency of this ongoing problem. They were told I had to leave immediately where I was sent to a different state to stay with a stranger who looks after Au Pairs who do not work out with their host families for a number of reasons. I was given NO information from the agency. My host parents were given some but not a lot. I was in a new place being UBERED in the dark to who knows where at that point. I was scared, I was broken and once again thrown away like rubbish by somebody else I really believed cared about me. Because that's all I am. Trash, garbage, rubbish, useless, continuously in the way, a problem, a burden, unwanted, unneeded, a waste of space, pointless, a NOBODY.

The programme were next to throw me away with no care for my future plans or wellbeing. So I flew to Florida to stay with friends over the holidays where I just forgot everything. Or at least tried too.
I returned 'home' on Tuesday and since then I've starved myself and refused to leave my bed. I don't want to be here. I shouldn't be here. And my family are far too toxic to be around. I live with my parents and siblings.
I just feel so broken, so alone, so empty. I cant see the light anymore. Not even a single spark. Everything has gone cold as though all the happiness has gone from the world. In my world at least. No one has checked on me. I have all this extended family and friends who say they care and want the best for me yet are nowhere to be found when I really need them. It's so easy to say you care about somebody when they're struggling or when their not. And most of the time, they'll just ask so that you'll say "I'm fine" so they don't have to deal with you anymore. But nobody really cares enough to put in that effort to really see how you are and if you're okay. To see behind the wall and the hurting eyes. To know that when you do respond with "I'm okay" "I'm fine" "I'm good" that you're absolutely not okay, you're not fine and you are far from being good. That is when asked anyhow. Everyone is always there at first but then they leave just like they always do. Even when I really just need somebody to scoop me up off the ground and hold me. Because I cant do this anymore. I cant keep dreaming and hoping and having faith for it all to ALWAYS be ripped away from me. You know what they say about hope. It breeds eternal misery. I don't have the strength anymore. My whole life, nothing has ever worked out for me, anyone who knows me could tell you that and right now the thought of disappearing is the only thing I can focus on. Aren't you just sick and tired of being you?
It's hard to believe that anyone outside of my family would even notice that I was gone and for those who are related to me, they wont miss me. Maybe at first but everyone struggles with change at the beginning. And they will all soon realise that they are so better off without me. Everyone is.

Which brings me to this site. I have never spoken to anyone who feels similar to me before. Not really. And I know that unfortunately, there are so many of you out there. I don't know what I'm asking for or if I'm really asking for anything. I just know that I am stuck and I don't know how to get out. But that I really, really want to get out.
If you took time to read this, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
Hi welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story! I have often felt like you in the past. People saying they care, but never both and you just saying ‘im fine’ in passing they think okay my job is done i’ve asked them. Having an ED and living with family and them not checking on you must make you feel 100x worse, as you think they’re my family? Why arent they seeing how i am? You say you havent seen a doctor? Do you think maybe you could do that? See a nutritionalist maybe? See if they can get you on the right track
To get a more healthy relationship with food? I have found this forum to be a help in times of need! I wish you the best with your recovery and seeking help! sending you a lot of love and hoping i can assist you when needed x
 
vxmpire

vxmpire

Active member
Joined
Jan 8, 2022
Messages
44
Location
man, i honestly started tearing up reading your post. ive been bulimic for 4 almost 5 years, i'm 18 now and it fucking sucks. i'm so so sorry, truly so sorry you're going through this. i completely understand where you're coming from because i live with my siblings and parents too and i'm pretty much stuck in my room all day, didnt get much attention growing up.... thats a different story though. im sending you so much love, things will get better i promise you, hang in there please <3
 
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