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I feel so alone

K

Kitty21

New member
Joined
Oct 15, 2020
Messages
1
Location
California
Hi!

This is my first ever post in a forum for at least 10 years. I feel very nervous but I am also very happy that I am writing this.

I just had a very exhausting and challenging talk with my partner and, yes, we are going through a really tough time and he is suffering as well but I feel like I am going crazy and are soooo SOOO unhealthy.

I have a history of self-harm - sometimes I even get bruises - but it was fine for a long time. But in the last few months, it has been coming back and it is getting worse and worse.

I have been self-harming but only in a very mild way. I know this isn't self-harm but in those moments I try not to harm myself so I rip or throw things apart that even if they have meaning to me (but they were the closest thing) or are expensive and I couldn't afford to buy it again if it would break. I self-harmed and then threw my phone and threw my laptop (luckily onto my bed) and I ripped the sock I was wearing apart.

I sometimes even have the thoughts of going further than self-harm that can't seriously impact my health. I know it all sounds so bad and I hate having these thoughts because I feel like I don't have any right to have them. I reach points where I just look around me and see what I could grab that could cause the most harm to myself. Sometimes I even think about suicide. I don't think I would do it though.

I am so ashamed that I do this. I don't want to lose control like this. And I feel so alone with this. I don't know anybody that does this and I feel like for those who witness it, a couple of people throughout the years, shouldn't have to deal with this. I want to have healthy discussions where I can learn from and not where I let emotions take over and I react like this.

I really need to hear stories and opinions or advice from people who are or have been going through similar situations. I feel so crazy and "wrong" and "broken". Like a computer that caught a virus and no one knows how to fix the virus so the computer is sitting in the corner collecting dust and it should actually just be thrown away.

I am so sorry if this isn't what a forum post should actually look like. I don't know. But I really needed to write this and share this. I can't be alone any longer ):

THANK YOU!!!
 
Hardknocks88

Hardknocks88

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 26, 2020
Messages
238
Location
Murrieta, CA
I feel the same way. I consider buying some fingerless mma punching gloves and hitting my pillow in my bed, with some carefulness of course because you could still hurt your wrist if you still not careful.
 
bpd2020

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
5,280
Location
England
Hello kitty. Welcome to the forum. Self harm is sometimes used when a person is unable to vocalise their pain. The pain builds up and becomes too much. I think talking to a therapist can be very helpful. It will give you the opportunity to make sense of how you are feeling.
 
TheSadnessWillLastForever

TheSadnessWillLastForever

Active member
Joined
Oct 28, 2019
Messages
32
Location
Ohio
Your feelings aren't wrong, they might not be healthy but you can't help that. Sometimes wires in people's brain just get crossed wrong, it's not anybody's fault. You might be a little broken but most everyone is in some way, the beat thing you can do is reach out for help. From anyone. Your family, your friends, your partner, anyone that cares about you. And if possible try to seek help from a professional, they are trained in how to help you change your thoughts which in turn change behaviors, but if you can't you can always vent to this forum, no one should ever have to feel alone❤
 
A

Am33

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
153
Location
Fiji
Yes are minds work very much like a computer with programing .Many things out there that can open our minds to a virus some kind of trauma to alcohol , drugs , porn , horror movies , heavy metal , music, some religions etc.. That's what therapy does it detects viruses , but it can't delete them only we can . Through positive energy strongest is spoken word that you can use .Many for women that will increase your will power. This takes lots work dedication everyday to doing them this does work proven by science positive energy will overcome negative energy .
 
R

Random3459

New member
Joined
Oct 16, 2020
Messages
2
Location
North America
At one time I had some behavior control issues that were escalating. I learned a couple of things from that time:

1) Behavior is often contextual. Someone yelling a little old lady crossing the road slowly is seen as a jerk. Someone yelling at a guy that almost ran over his elderly mother at a crosswalk is understood to be upset and under stress.

2) Nobody's in control of their behavior all the time and people will often externalize thoughts or feelings in ways that are involuntary. Sometimes these externalizations are benign and don't cause harm and sometimes they're not benign and they're quite harmful.

Basically I learned that, often times, my feelings are completely justifiable and the issue is more that the behavior accompanying these feelings is extreme and acting on this impulse causes me and others distress. I learned that my inability to control my behavior at certain times had everything to do with an inability to keep the sanctity of certain boundaries with certain people. I felt trapped in certain interpersonal relationships because I felt no control of the boundaries in those relationships. By distancing myself from those people and removing myself from situations where my boundaries could be crossed I found my ability to control how I externalize things went way up. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm way better than I was before.

But that's just me. Fortunately I was able to tweak a few interpersonal relationships and that helped immensely and the better I get at looking at my life the more opportunities I see for small changes that might make my day to day a little better...

But you're clearly noticing early on that you're going down a path that isn't healthy and that's good because it means you're cognizant of yourself to a degree which means you can use this awareness to find a better way to be.

In my case I didn't notice that I was in trouble until a few hours after I, thankfully, got out of the hospital. Going through a behavioral thing with strangers and many of my friends and colleagues knowing really really sucked and I felt so many degrees of shame from that...

Anyway, people have mentioned that therapy might help. Could be a nice thing to do. As just an everyday strategy for managing my behavior I like to do a little thing where I sit down and cycle through my senses...notice what I'm touching, hearing, smelling, seeing etc. I also try to remind myself as much as possible that I should focus on things I can change and things I can practically do as a way to alleviate my stresses. I try to hear how I'm feeling and I even say to myself, "Okay, you feel this way right now. That's okay". But there is no real substitute for talking to someone and just getting the feelings out there.

Take care!
 
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