- Jan 31, 2019
- White Plains, NY
A long walk I took today. I took two pictures in the woods on a path near the train station. The worst part of it is I was planning on using them for a hookup app. They're G-rated. But I look like a blind mental patient out on a walk without a caretaker. I'm so beyond humiliated by the photos. I'm the only one who's seen them but when I see them it just reinforces that I'm in absolutely no condition for meeting anyone. For anything. Even friendship. I don't believe I'll ever be. I'm 34. When is this all going to be over? I'm tired of drugs. They're having no effect or a paradoxical effect on me tonight. I'm getting goosebumps. I'm scared. I'm crying. I think someone is coming to take me away. I had a dream a week or so ago about feeling unbelievably paranoid in a room full of people. I turned around and scanned the room with my eyes. Nobody was paying any attention to me at all. Everyone was giggling and talking with each other. Absorbed in their own worlds. I don't know why I can't realize that. If I'm not paranoid, then what am I? I'm Kiefer Sutherland waking up in the box underground in the film, "The Vanishing" from 1993. Either scenario horrifies me.