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I feel so alone

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DyingUpInHere

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Jan 31, 2019
Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
A long walk I took today. I took two pictures in the woods on a path near the train station. The worst part of it is I was planning on using them for a hookup app. They're G-rated. But I look like a blind mental patient out on a walk without a caretaker. I'm so beyond humiliated by the photos. I'm the only one who's seen them but when I see them it just reinforces that I'm in absolutely no condition for meeting anyone. For anything. Even friendship. I don't believe I'll ever be. I'm 34. When is this all going to be over? I'm tired of drugs. They're having no effect or a paradoxical effect on me tonight. I'm getting goosebumps. I'm scared. I'm crying. I think someone is coming to take me away. I had a dream a week or so ago about feeling unbelievably paranoid in a room full of people. I turned around and scanned the room with my eyes. Nobody was paying any attention to me at all. Everyone was giggling and talking with each other. Absorbed in their own worlds. I don't know why I can't realize that. If I'm not paranoid, then what am I? I'm Kiefer Sutherland waking up in the box underground in the film, "The Vanishing" from 1993. Either scenario horrifies me.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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213
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White Plains, NY
I wish I'd taken Seroquel tonight. It's too late now. I've already taken the Gabapentin. I'm not mixing the two. I feel sick already. Every night I feel sick when the Valium starts to work. Sick and tired. Instead of relaxed and at ease. I've already covered the windows with clothes to keep the daylight out of the bedroom. It's going to be one of those days tomorrow where I'll be in bed all day. Most days are like that now. Today wasn't. I ate well. I wasn't that drugged. I exercised. Five mile walk. I felt alright. Now it's all over of course. I'm melting down. Instead of winding down naturally. I feel so alone. I've got no one in the world besides my mother. And she's stretched so thin dealing with my problems and hers. I feel so alone. I'm scared to death. Nothing brings me comfort. Nothing.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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White Plains, NY
I can't even pray. I don't believe in anything. My family is all either dead or gone. I have no friends. Nothing. I need someone to believe in. A mentor. Someone help me. Someone pray that I start to believe in something. I can't stand it. I don't even want to leave bed to pee. How sick is that? I feel nauseous again. Like I need a bucket next to the bed. Someone come from beyond this world and protect me from my feelings. As silly as that sounds. I need help. My brain needs to be covered with a feeling of peacefulness. I feel like I'm dying incredibly slowly.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Messages
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White Plains, NY
I wish my grandmother would come to me and form a protective shield around me.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
I am sorry that you are going through this struggle. You are not alone. You have to be strong if not for yourself, do it for the sake of your mother.
When you are positive, that will effect your mother to be positive as well.

I am not trying to push any religious or spiritual beliefs but pray for the higher power that you believe in. Ask for an interference to change your life and situation.

Don’t believe in something? Don’t worry. Just be positive and put yourself to the challenge that from this moment on all you have to do is think positive.

If you need someone to talk to, I will be more than happy to do so.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.
I hope you feel better soon.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Messages
213
Location
White Plains, NY
I treat my mother horribly. I resent living in her home at 34. I'm a lifelong quitter hiding from the world. Poking my head out every so often to do something weird. Like posting these rants here in the middle of the night. Or using hookup apps to try and have a friendly conversation with a person. It doesn't work. And I can't make it work. I get frustrated and I start using the app for harassment. Then I run and hide when I've experienced sensory overload from all of the trouble I've created. Trouble for me because the recipient of my harassment is probably not that bothered by it. It's funny how quickly Gabapentin stopped working. I've never experienced this with a drug this quickly. This must be a trademark of the drug. 400 mg one night produced a "heavier end of moderate" sedation. Now it's producing almost no sedation after two nights. Ridiculous. I can't for the life of me figure out what this drug actually does. With Seroquel, it's clear. Major sedation. Sickness and general feeling of not being well all day the next day. At one point a few nights ago, I woke myself up shouting sentences in my sleep and was unable to stop for several seconds after waking up. I kept shouting words. Like a neurological disorder. I researched it and of course it's because the Seroquel is messing with the dopamine in my brain. Next it'll cause more permanent neurological damage like Parkinson's like symptoms. Yet I'm still stupid enough and desperate enough to keep taking it. Wanting to be rendered unconscious for 12 hours a day. So I don't have to be awake to think about my problems.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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White Plains, NY
I feel like Farrah Fawcett in the film, "Extremities" from 1986.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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White Plains, NY
I know it's not going to help me in the long-term but then again no drug is - but I wish I had Ambien. I can't stand the Seroquel. What a nice sounding name for such a hideous chemical weapon. And the Gabapentin is absolutely useless and probably dangerous. I've been feeling poisoned and bedridden all day after taking it last night. Again, I feel like Farrah Fawcett in the film, "Extremities" from 1986. Like I'm being attackedover and over again. And all I can do is cry.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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White Plains, NY
The only thing that makes me feel just a little better is thinking about the 16 acre garden apartment community I've lived in for most of my life. But not the waking life version of it that I see everyday outside. The version I see in my dreams. That looks much larger. More like 60 acres. And thinking about the tiny bit of woods behind the building where I grew up. The trees and brush have diminished over time. And are slowly being diminished by tree cutting companies everyday lately. It makes me extremely sad. And I see it as a sign that I must soon leave this world. I can't move on in life. I've got to get out of this brain and body. I just can't make life work. My dreams are all I look forward to everyday. But my sleep is becoming shorter every month or so. And I'm guessing I spend less time in restorative sleep than in recent months. I never feel that I've slept well. And I barely remember dreams. I had an awful one last night that ended with a horse running into the woods somewhere (not here) and falling through the ice of a well hidden body of water. Deep water. Deep enough to drown the horse. And that's what happened. I saw it trying like Hell to get to the surface. An aerial view of it just beneath the surface. Trying like Hell to break the surface. It eventually disappeared from view. Horrible. I feel nauseous right now just thinking about it.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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213
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White Plains, NY
I think about Tara McLean's second record that I bought in Borders (back when there was a Borders Book and Music Store) in White Plains when I was around 15. There's something about that record that resonates with me. It always has. It was so important to me. Back then. Not that it has anything to do with the record itself but it was even released on an unusual day - February 29. Back in 2000. I remember when I was walking towards the music section of Borders back in 2000 and suddenly saw it there displayed in the front of the store as I entered and I was like, "Whoa"! Didn't expect to see an artist who I considered an artist of mine displayed at the front of the store and it's a new record. Was a lovely memory. I'm trying to focus on these memories because they're all I've got left. Every waking moment feels like a prison. The Valium doesn't calm me. My mother is nuts. And driving me nuts. She's ranting about 5G and radiation everyday - upsetting me. She's falling down flights of concrete stairs and trying to sue. I'm scared to death that she's going to die. She won't leave the apartment unless I'm here to watch it. She believes that the staff of the apartment complex are entering our home and poisoning our food when the two of us are gone. I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose my mind entirely. I have no one to talk to.
 
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DyingUpInHere

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Location
White Plains, NY
I don't feel any connection to anything or anyone new. It's like I'm an old man of 80. At just 34. I can only relate to the 80's. 90's. Or the early 2000's. I hate the area, too. I don't want to see the suburbs of NYC anymore. Doesn't matter that I've lived here my entire life. I can't stay. I don't belong here. I need to be somewhere with a median income that's closer to mine. I'm like a homeless person here. I may as well be. I can't afford anything. I want to be in the Carolinas. Or Virginia. Somewhere near the ocean. Like here. So there are no extremes in weather. But somewhere considerably less expensive.
 
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