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I feel so alone in this world

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Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
Technically speaking, I am far from alone. I have three beautiful children and a very loving partner but I feel so, so alone. I was diagnosed with BPD in 2018, after having several hospital admissions and suicide attempts.

For the last few weeks, I have been stable but it's all crashing down on me now. When I talk to my partner. He seems incredibly fed up of hearing me being low, he wants to help but I think it's just too much for him. I let him down.

My three kids are 6,, 2 & 1. I find the two year old incredibly hard. We struggled to bond since the beginning and her behaviour tips me over the edge. She screams all the time, she is spoilt and doesn't share (normal 2 year old behaviour) but still hard. I love them all to pieces but they're so so hard.

I feel like I'm just causing problems for everyone. I should just go. I'm so tired all the time. I feel so crap. I don't have anyone that understands.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,246
Are you currently going to therapy? It might provide you with both support and relief.
 
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Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
Yes, I'm on DBT. It's incredibly helpful but I struggle opening up, I can't do it, so I tend to leave things out and then hate myself for it the next day.

I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. It is too difficult and I put so much burden on others, what's the point in living a miserable life. What a waste I have been 😔
 
K

Kelly B

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2019
Messages
309
Location
Pasadena Md. USA
Raising a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old must be exhausting. Do you have any real help with the children or does it mostly fall on your shoulders? That alone would cause me a great deal of stress and anxiety. Children can suck the energy right out of you, but at the same time they’re the reason we keep going. Ever consider taking a breather? Take a mini vacation away from everything? Just a thought.
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,246
Yes, I'm on DBT. It's incredibly helpful but I struggle opening up, I can't do it, so I tend to leave things out and then hate myself for it the next day.

I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. It is too difficult and I put so much burden on others, what's the point in living a miserable life. What a waste I have been 😔
You have brought three little souls into this world. I wouldn’t call that a waste.

You are just struggling right now, and you have to tell yourself that’s ok.

Our brains are smart. They know when to put the brakes on exploring things that are painful. It will come, when you are ready.

I have spent entire sessions talking about nothing more significant than the weather. It was because I wasn’t strong enough at that point to talk about anything else. And that’s ok, too.

Focus right now on one day at a time. Nothing beyond that. It will get better and you will feel stronger. But try your best not to punish yourself when you are already down.
 
LivinWithAnxiety

LivinWithAnxiety

Active member
Joined
Feb 25, 2019
Messages
32
Location
New York, New York
Hi, I know what it feels like to be alone and to feel alone, and it's tough. You may feel like no one around you can relate and no one understands, but I guarantee you there are people out there who can relate to your struggle! Do you think there may be anything you can do to seek those people out for support and companionship? A support group maybe?
 
T

tentankles

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Seattle, WA
I know this is incredibly difficult to do in your situation as a parent, but if you're at all capable of volunteering at any point I'd highly suggest it. I myself have BPD and frequently feel as though my life is worthless too, but cleaning up a park and being able to see the change made in front of me has been so, so important for my coping. It sounds cheesy and it's easy to write off but it's really beneficial if you can make it happen. If you don't have time to you can also just donate nonperishable foods to a food bank. I know when I've done that afterward I felt like even if my life was for nothing else I at least made a difference in someone's life and that really helped my mind.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
Hi @Wishitaway

You’re not a waste and you have so much to live for and be happy. You 3 precious children that need your care and love and I am sure you provide them with that.

I have a 2 years old daughter too. She’s the boss of the house at the meantime 🙂. She doesn’t scream. She screeches and shrills to the point I have pain in my ears.

What I find working is the method of time out. Trust it it works. Every time she screams, tell her because she does that she will have to spend 2-3 minutes in the room alone. You have to be patient until she gets it.

By the way, children screaming can bother even people that are healthy and don’t struggle with mental problems.

Have you tried any medication for depression? If therapy is not doing it, you might need both.

You need to think about being very open with your therapist. Let it all out. Your therapist is there to listen and help you figure out ways to cope.

I hope you feel better soon.
 
W

Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
Raising a baby, a toddler and a 6 year old must be exhausting. Do you have any real help with the children or does it mostly fall on your shoulders? That alone would cause me a great deal of stress and anxiety. Children can suck the energy right out of you, but at the same time they’re the reason we keep going. Ever consider taking a breather? Take a mini vacation away from everything? Just a thought.
Oh, I have plenty of help. My partner does so much when he isn't in work but when he is working it's 10-12 hours and I often find myself in tears because it's too hard.

I consider it often but I can't afford it, I'd love to get away but I'd worry how my OH would cope as well xx
 
W

Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
You have brought three little souls into this world. I wouldn’t call that a waste.

You are just struggling right now, and you have to tell yourself that’s ok.

Our brains are smart. They know when to put the brakes on exploring things that are painful. It will come, when you are ready.

I have spent entire sessions talking about nothing more significant than the weather. It was because I wasn’t strong enough at that point to talk about anything else. And that’s ok, too.

Focus right now on one day at a time. Nothing beyond that. It will get better and you will feel stronger. But try your best not to punish yourself when you are already down.
They're the only good thing that has come from me and even then I fail them, every day.

I've tried ringing the doctors got through after the 96th time and of course all appointments are gone.

I just don't know how to open up, it's embarrassing. I just don't know how to cope for one more day. It's all too much and too overwhelming x
 
W

Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
Hi, I know what it feels like to be alone and to feel alone, and it's tough. You may feel like no one around you can relate and no one understands, but I guarantee you there are people out there who can relate to your struggle! Do you think there may be anything you can do to seek those people out for support and companionship? A support group maybe?
I do go to Dbt which also includes a group, I know that there are others like me but in person, I can't bring myself to talk.
 
W

Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
I know this is incredibly difficult to do in your situation as a parent, but if you're at all capable of volunteering at any point I'd highly suggest it. I myself have BPD and frequently feel as though my life is worthless too, but cleaning up a park and being able to see the change made in front of me has been so, so important for my coping. It sounds cheesy and it's easy to write off but it's really beneficial if you can make it happen. If you don't have time to you can also just donate nonperishable foods to a food bank. I know when I've done that afterward I felt like even if my life was for nothing else I at least made a difference in someone's life and that really helped my mind.
That's a good idea, I'm not sure I'll have time but I'll try. X
 
W

Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
Hi @Wishitaway

You’re not a waste and you have so much to live for and be happy. You 3 precious children that need your care and love and I am sure you provide them with that.

I have a 2 years old daughter too. She’s the boss of the house at the meantime 🙂. She doesn’t scream. She screeches and shrills to the point I have pain in my ears.

What I find working is the method of time out. Trust it it works. Every time she screams, tell her because she does that she will have to spend 2-3 minutes in the room alone. You have to be patient until she gets it.

By the way, children screaming can bother even people that are healthy and don’t struggle with mental problems.

Have you tried any medication for depression? If therapy is not doing it, you might need both.

You need to think about being very open with your therapist. Let it all out. Your therapist is there to listen and help you figure out ways to cope.

I hope you feel better soon.
They don't really need me. They have my partner and he's better than me. I love them but I worry that I'll never be good enough.

My two year old doesn't stop. If she's happy, sad etc she's always screaching. She's a sweet little girl but she is so so loud and I have hypersensitivity.

I've tried plenty of medication, currently on anxiety meds as the others haven't worked.
 
Hopeful313

Hopeful313

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
892
Location
Minnesota, USA
They don't really need me. They have my partner and he's better than me. I love them but I worry that I'll never be good enough.

My two year old doesn't stop. If she's happy, sad etc she's always screaching. She's a sweet little girl but she is so so loud and I have hypersensitivity.

I've tried plenty of medication, currently on anxiety meds as the others haven't worked.
No one can replace the love and care of a mother.

I am not sure where you reside. A new medication just got approved here in the US. It’s very promising. It takes only 4 hours to work instead of weeks. It’s called Sketamine. Got approved by the FDA on March 4th.

You are stressed out at this time. You need a time out away from noise if you can.

Can you go to your parents house for a couple of days to enjoy some quite time?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
 
W

Wishitaway

Member
Joined
Dec 15, 2017
Messages
13
No one can replace the love and care of a mother.

I am not sure where you reside. A new medication just got approved here in the US. It’s very promising. It takes only 4 hours to work instead of weeks. It’s called Sketamine. Got approved by the FDA on March 4th.

You are stressed out at this time. You need a time out away from noise if you can.

Can you go to your parents house for a couple of days to enjoy some quite time?

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I love my children but the challenges that come with parenting often knocks me off my feet. My youngest doesn't sleep, my two year old is impossible and my six year old doesn't get the attention she needs due to the other two. I can't split myself in three and with my mental health issues on top, I just feel like I'm failing

I've never heard of that, I don't think it's in the UK yet, where I live anyway. I've tried sertraline, quitiapine, Cymbalta, venaflaxeen, amitriptyline, arirprizole and quite a few others.
I'm currently on 5mg of buspirone and awaiting a medication review.

Ive been to the doctors this morning and she gave me some diazepam. I just feel so sick and tired of waking up miserable. I feel like life has no meaning.

My parents wouldn't have me sadly, not on good terms xx
 
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