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I feel paralyzed

StillFighting

StillFighting

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
508
I'm not even sure where to begin to describe what's been going on in my life, and how I feel. First, let me start by saying I've been diagnosed with GAD and BPD (I've been in therapy for quite some time, right now I have a 3-week break because of the holidays).

I graduated from my MSc about 3 months ago. This MSc gave me a hell of anxiety, so right after my graduation I took some time to relax. I wasn't always able to do this successfully, since from time to time I had these intrusive thoughts in my head saying "You have to start looking for a job NOW", "You are taking too much time to rest", "You don't deserve the rest", etc..

Thankfully, I did have times when I actually was able to relax, enjoy doing nothing, or enjoying doing several activities. Not too many, but they were still there.

So... 2 weeks ago, after 2,5 months of doing nothing, I started getting a little bit bored and I wanted to actually start looking for a job. I made the first steps and made some applications. I had two positive responses - 1 of them asked me for a phone interview, the other one asked me to take a test before proceeding further. I was glad to see that they were interested in me, but at the same time I felt overwhelmed. I felt like I was not prepared. I felt like I knew nothing and I would fail.

Christmas was also approaching - my family is away, my friends were away as well, and this started to take its toll on me. I was all alone, with all these racing thoughts in my head, I had no one to talk to and I started getting more depressed, or stressed, or both, I'm not even sure.

I cancelled the phone interview with the 1st company, and I still haven't taken the test that the 2nd company asked me to. All these days.. I've been thinking that I know nothing - I feel so detached from my MSc for some reason. I feel like I remember nothing. Like, if they ask me what I've done, what projects I've worked on, I can't actually remember. I will fail and embarrass myself and I should prepare first. I'm not sure if this is a manifestation of GAD, it sounds like it I guess, but I feel that I will fail.

I've been wanting to get prepared (revise some of my courses) first, in order to feel more confident, and then start applying for jobs. But then, this plan didn't work quite well, I couldn't find much motivation to study. So I thought maybe start applying for jobs and take it from there. But now that I have actually started applying, and got some replies from companies, I feel paralyzed because I feel that I'm not prepared, since I haven't revised anything.

I am caught so deep in this cycle of "I need to revise, in order to familiarize with my study again" - "Yes, but I also need to be practical and make the damn job applications", and right now I feel like I can do nothing at all. If I try to make a plan for revising, I'm thinking "This is a waste of time, you should make the job applications instead". If I try to make the job applications, I'm thinking "Why are you doing this? You haven't revised anything, you're not prepared and you're going to fail".

And actually, all I'm doing is nothing at all. I feel like I'm simply driving myself crazy.
 
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misschaos77

Member
Joined
Dec 21, 2014
Messages
5
omg have u been prescribed meds? If so take them ! im not ashamed to say I work in a very responsible job and have done for 10 years and have just started to take meds for my ongoing GAD you name the symptom I have it- please don't give up help is there, I am still working, and meds are helping me
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
508
Hi, and thanks for your reply. No, I haven't been prescribed any meds. To be honest, I am quite reluctant to take medication. About 6 years ago I was diagnosed with depression, and I was on a/d (anti-depressants) for about 1,5 year. During this time, I had switched many different a/d, because none seemed to be working; they had horrible side-effects, and made feel even more suicidal :/. That was really 1,5 year of hell, and I'm really reluctant to try medication again.

You know.. I had this diagnosis for GAD almost 6 months ago.. maybe more. And I feel ashamed to admit that I never looked for any information about it, until these days. I thought that all these racing thoughts, all these worries, that it's just the way I am and my personality. Or something that I'm doing wrong. I've been in therapy for 6 months, and I haven't even be sure about what exactly my problem is, I felt like I couldn't understand it and didn't know how to work with my therapist.

And these days.. I've been reading some information about GAD, and it makes so much sense.. I feel like this describes me, and that I understand it a little bit better. But now I feel so scared, and I'm just not sure how to ask for help.
 
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wulfgar

Active member
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
Messages
26
Hi StillFighting,
I read that sometimes a side effect of anti-depressants is that they can make you feel worse before they make you feel better. Maybe it would be worth visiting your doctor to see if there are any other options available when it comes to medication?
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 28, 2014
Messages
508
Hi wulfgar,

I've read what you said as well. But my experience with the meds was really horrible. I would try one a/d, slowly increasing the dose (with the instruction of my doctor) - a few months later, it was obvious it was not working, and made me feel horrible. My (then) doctor would prescribe me then a different one. Again, the same story, slowly increase dose, no difference and horrible side effects.. I had switched at least 4 or 5 of them. In the end I felt completely hopeless and fed up of feeling more suicidal because of the meds. That's why I am so reluctant to try anything again.

Anyway.. that was 6 years ago. And I remember it as a terrible period of my life. Back then, I was diagnosed with depression.. now I'm not even sure if I'm depressed now, or if GAD is my main problem. I guess I should discuss it with my therapist... Now I think I'm more confused than anything, and trying to understand what the hell is wrong with me, if that makes sense..
 
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wulfgar

Active member
Joined
Dec 30, 2014
Messages
26
I'm sorry to hear what you have been through, StillFighting.
It's not easy trying to work out and understand what is wrong when everything seems so mixed up. Hopefully your therapist will be able to get to the root cause of what is causing you to feel this way.
 
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