- May 2, 2019
I've been laying in bed for almost 3 hours now, staring at the cieling. I don't know why I do this, why I just lay there doing nothing, thinking nothing, and feeling nothing. I have things to do, I'm a busy person and I'm still in school, but I can't bring myself to do anything, I don't want to pack, don't want to hang out with my long term boyfriend, I don't want to think or do things. I just want to be left alone. Sometimes it's because things are too overwhelming for me, but it also just happens out of the blue. I lose feeling in myself. One second I'm joking around having fun, the next I feel numb, I suddenly stop caring or wanting to interact. Not because I dislike what I'm doing or who I'm with, it's just like someone's pulled a switch on my emotions and drained them out of me completely. It happens with my boyfriend alot. We can be hanging out and cuddling or he's hugging me and suddenly i just have to push him away because its so overwhelming. Sometimes when this happens, I start thinking things I don't normally think, horrible things, "why am I staying?" "I don"t think I actually care about him." "End it." Then there are times when it's really just nothing, where I just, can't connect to anything or anyone I talk to, I try, but my mind feels so empty. This happens when I'm alone, with friends, family, doesn't matter who. I don't know how else to explain it, and I cant deal with this constant flip flop between too aggravated, and then suddenly nothing at all. I've tried talking to my counselor, but I'm scared to ask for a diagnosis for what I could have. I have a lot of other symptoms of a few disorders, but self-diagnosing is tricky and I don't even know how to categorize half of what I feel. Do other people feel like this? What do I call it? And how do you deal with it? ( also if anyone can answer on how I ask my counselor about getting tested for possible mental illnesses that would be great, I don't know how to even start that process and I want to be taken seriously).