M
mentalhealthisphysicaltoo
Member
Hi -
I'm new and I wanted to find a safe space to talk. I lost someone to suicide. He was my best friend and my ex. I have never felt as connected to anybody in that way before. I'm not in the mental stage to go too deep into it so there will be a lack of context on the outside - but there is a lot of nasty backlash I am dealing with. I am dealing with fingers being pointed at me for blame, because our last interaction was a fight. I had been severely injured at the time and both of our needs had clashed. I had begged him not to do anything to himself.
I was told not to go to the memorial. I'm not allowed to speak about him within his community - who are shutting me out and glorifying him. They want to hold on to what they saw as perfect with him, but not one of these people are openly actively discussing mental health and depression.
I was sent several horrible, horrible messages saying I killed him - it was my fault - I have his "blood on my hands and I hope you live with that. Everyone knows it was you." "Hi, I was told about what happened between you two and we need to not contact anymore."
I know that suicide is not black and white. I know he was struggling for years, even before I met him. I know that if someone truly thinks it was one outside factor, they did not know him, especially in the way I did.
But it's so hard to not feel responsible when an entire community is saying so.
It's so hard to not feel responsible when I'm blocked everywhere and cut off completely.
It's made me suicidal, the worst I've ever had it. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. Even though these people don't know me and didn't know the real him. I feel like my current society isolates those who are struggling with mental health by invalidating it. I don't want to live with that.
I want to honor him in the right way. I want to help this society get better but it feels so far gone. I don't know what to do guys. I feel like a horrible person.
I'm new and I wanted to find a safe space to talk. I lost someone to suicide. He was my best friend and my ex. I have never felt as connected to anybody in that way before. I'm not in the mental stage to go too deep into it so there will be a lack of context on the outside - but there is a lot of nasty backlash I am dealing with. I am dealing with fingers being pointed at me for blame, because our last interaction was a fight. I had been severely injured at the time and both of our needs had clashed. I had begged him not to do anything to himself.
I was told not to go to the memorial. I'm not allowed to speak about him within his community - who are shutting me out and glorifying him. They want to hold on to what they saw as perfect with him, but not one of these people are openly actively discussing mental health and depression.
I was sent several horrible, horrible messages saying I killed him - it was my fault - I have his "blood on my hands and I hope you live with that. Everyone knows it was you." "Hi, I was told about what happened between you two and we need to not contact anymore."
I know that suicide is not black and white. I know he was struggling for years, even before I met him. I know that if someone truly thinks it was one outside factor, they did not know him, especially in the way I did.
But it's so hard to not feel responsible when an entire community is saying so.
It's so hard to not feel responsible when I'm blocked everywhere and cut off completely.
It's made me suicidal, the worst I've ever had it. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. Even though these people don't know me and didn't know the real him. I feel like my current society isolates those who are struggling with mental health by invalidating it. I don't want to live with that.
I want to honor him in the right way. I want to help this society get better but it feels so far gone. I don't know what to do guys. I feel like a horrible person.