I feel lost - suicidal, grief, severely depressed

[mentalhealthisphysicaltoo]

Hi -

I'm new and I wanted to find a safe space to talk. I lost someone to suicide. He was my best friend and my ex. I have never felt as connected to anybody in that way before. I'm not in the mental stage to go too deep into it so there will be a lack of context on the outside - but there is a lot of nasty backlash I am dealing with. I am dealing with fingers being pointed at me for blame, because our last interaction was a fight. I had been severely injured at the time and both of our needs had clashed. I had begged him not to do anything to himself.

I was told not to go to the memorial. I'm not allowed to speak about him within his community - who are shutting me out and glorifying him. They want to hold on to what they saw as perfect with him, but not one of these people are openly actively discussing mental health and depression.

I was sent several horrible, horrible messages saying I killed him - it was my fault - I have his "blood on my hands and I hope you live with that. Everyone knows it was you." "Hi, I was told about what happened between you two and we need to not contact anymore."

I know that suicide is not black and white. I know he was struggling for years, even before I met him. I know that if someone truly thinks it was one outside factor, they did not know him, especially in the way I did.

But it's so hard to not feel responsible when an entire community is saying so.

It's so hard to not feel responsible when I'm blocked everywhere and cut off completely.

It's made me suicidal, the worst I've ever had it. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive. Even though these people don't know me and didn't know the real him. I feel like my current society isolates those who are struggling with mental health by invalidating it. I don't want to live with that.

I want to honor him in the right way. I want to help this society get better but it feels so far gone. I don't know what to do guys. I feel like a horrible person.

 

[calypso]

That is so terrible for you. You are in the midst of grief yourself and having to cope with all that too. You are right, a person doesn't commit suicide "out of the blue" although it can feel like that to some. There is always a history to it and a person usually has been struggling for months or years before. You are NOT responsible for his death I can tell you that categorically. No-one is responsible except him. People want to blame someone, something, anything rather than deal with their emotions and the reality.

I am more worried now about your mental state. You say you are suicidal also. Is there no-one you can turn to who will listen to you? I think it might be an idea to get some professional help whilst you are going through this. Have you been to see a doctor at all? I know that all they do is give out pills, but something might be needed to get you through the coming months.

As you are getting threatening calls can you go and stay with someone else whilst people get through the worst of this all? I bet there are people around who understand but they are being drowned out by the rest.

 

[TulipIceCream]

It was definitely not your fault. Every single action a person takes is up to their own power. People are upset because they wish they could have prevented it and are using you as an excuse. They want to be upset at someone. He had been struggling for years, where were those people then? They also must have seen him struggling and you were the one to actually try to help. I don't know what exactly transpired but you are absolutely only responsible for your own body and actions and so was he.

 

[JCPraha]

You are not responsible for his death. He had ongoing mental health issues for a long time. No one who is mentally balanced kills himself on account of one argument. The people you mentioned are being quite cruel to you. You need to try to move on in life without them. Maybe a change of physical location would help.

 

[Demygurl]

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. People are looking g for the path of least resistance. that seems to be you. I'm sorry. Following through o. Suicide is a personal choice. People rarely think how it will effect those on the fringes. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Give those people time to look inside and process what happened. Observe, but do not absorb their feelings. An argument or 1,009 of them does not cause suicide. You are not the cause, nor the root. Please, BE O.K.

 

[mentalhealthisphysicaltoo]

That is so terrible for you. You are in the midst of grief yourself and having to cope with all that too. You are right, a person doesn't commit suicide "out of the blue" although it can feel like that to some. There is always a history to it and a person usually has been struggling for months or years before. You are NOT responsible for his death I can tell you that categorically. No-one is responsible except him. People want to blame someone, something, anything rather than deal with their emotions and the reality.

I am more worried now about your mental state. You say you are suicidal also. Is there no-one you can turn to who will listen to you? I think it might be an idea to get some professional help whilst you are going through this. Have you been to see a doctor at all? I know that all they do is give out pills, but something might be needed to get you through the coming months.

As you are getting threatening calls can you go and stay with someone else whilst people get through the worst of this all? I bet there are people around who understand but they are being drowned out by the rest.

Hey Calypso -

It's so healing to read a response like this. First and foremost, thank you so much for taking the time to do that. I truly appreciate it. This might be a novel (I don't always keep things short) so bare with me -

It's been an absolute nightmare. Thank you for letting me be transparent about that. I've had a lot of times where I'm pressured to put on the brave face and the mask, and times where I tell myself I have to. I don't want to make that an ongoing, continuous habit. It's so healing to hear someone else who sees it this way, too. There is so much to suicide and mental health than is openly discussed about, and it makes things like this so hard. It's such a shame. I'm just so sad and angry for him, because I feel like it's being handled in a way that is dehumanizing with a lack of regard for the things he was truly dealing with. He was a human being and deserves to be fully seen as one.

I've felt so responsible for him with so many horrible responses - especially being shunned from the memorial. However, I am in the midst of creating one myself with a safe space that will discuss mental health. In response to your piece about being concerned - yes, unfortunately, I am suicidal. I'm the worst I've ever been with it. I've convinced myself of a false reality in my mind based on peoples' responses to me that I'm a horrible person and that it's a disservice to him and them of me being alive. Other times, I just want all the pain to go away, to escape a closed off society, and because I genuinely miss him and want nothing more than to just hug him and be with him some days.

I do have people I have been reaching out to - more than usual, lately. And in those moments, I have these waves of faith about staying alive and continuing to live. But sometimes, it's really difficult once I leave those people and get waves of this situation. It's such a difficult scale to balance honestly. I'm trying to seek help with therapy and open discussions. I guess I might need further steps too - it's just all feeling tricky and tough. I might consider medication - have you ever taken that route?

I have actually stayed with a couple of very close, beautiful, and caring friends who feel like my new family. Things like that can help quite a lot and I always like being in a new home atmosphere.

 

[mentalhealthisphysicaltoo]

It was definitely not your fault. Every single action a person takes is up to their own power. People are upset because they wish they could have prevented it and are using you as an excuse. They want to be upset at someone. He had been struggling for years, where were those people then? They also must have seen him struggling and you were the one to actually try to help. I don't know what exactly transpired but you are absolutely only responsible for your own body and actions and so was he.

Hi, thank you so much for this response. This honestly helps a lot to read. I completely agree - I know that the guilt is a response to grief, yet I still find myself getting sucked into it because my heart hurts so much over him and this entire situation. There were so many things I could have done better - but it was a different time and a difficult time for both of us. I can't change that even though I'd give anything for it to be different. I was one of, if not the only, safe space he went to.

He was always pressured to be perfect, and I never ever expected that of him, so he felt like he could really lay out what was actually going on in his head. My heart just breaks for him because he was so scared of not being the character everyone wanted him to be, and because of much of that environment didn't treat or openly accept mental health. I just hope my mental state and our argument wasn't the trigger of his decision, because I truly loved him so much and wanted nothing more than for him to be okay. I just also had to defend myself when I was getting hurt too, which was happening during the fight, and I wasn't mentally okay enough to take that on.

People definitely would much rather point fingers and use me as a false story as a placeholder than feel out the actuality of the situation. I know it's a triggered response. It's just such a shame that we can't put that aside and just be there solely for him, you know?

 

[mentalhealthisphysicaltoo]

You are not responsible for his death. He had ongoing mental health issues for a long time. No one who is mentally balanced kills himself on account of one argument. The people you mentioned are being quite cruel to you. You need to try to move on in life without them. Maybe a change of physical location would help.

You have no idea how much I needed to read that tonight. Thank you. I mean it.

It's funny you say that, because I actually found an apartment that I am allowed to move into whenever I want. I'm hoping being in a different space away from these people will at least help a bit. I've been craving to travel to a different country someday, too. Just to get away from everything and be around a better environment.

 

[mentalhealthisphysicaltoo]

Oh, honey. I am so sorry. People are looking g for the path of least resistance. that seems to be you. I'm sorry. Following through o. Suicide is a personal choice. People rarely think how it will effect those on the fringes. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Give those people time to look inside and process what happened. Observe, but do not absorb their feelings. An argument or 1,009 of them does not cause suicide. You are not the cause, nor the root. Please, BE O.K.

Thank you so much for this. I've been gaslighted into believing this one argument caused everything - even though that completely dishonors the entire notion of mental health. Thank you. I love "observe, but do not absorb." That is absolutely something I hope to get better at and would like to work on.