I feel lost, how do I get the help I need?

[Lola]

Hi,

I'm new to here so please bare with me. I've been treated for depression and anxiety for the last 9 yrs, I think my problems started quite a while before then put was just explained away as teenage angst. I take antidepressants, mood stabilisers and beta blockers. I see a psychologist and psychiatrist.

Since September things have been getting progressivly worse. My psychiatrist had left so I had to go and see my GP to be referred to a different one. I'm yet to see him. I've had 2 appointments cancelled, I should have been going tomorrow but the hospital phoned yesterday to say the clinic has been cancelled and they couldn't make me appointment until March. I spoke to my psychologist today who just kept asking me what would make me feel better? What one thing could I change today that would make tomorrow easier? How can people help me? I have no idea what the answer to these questions are.

I am so paranoid. I'm finding myself believing the most ridiculous things, when I talk about it I can see that it's just paranoia but when I'm alone these thought just run away with themselves and I believe them a little bit more. Most recent things are believing people on a parenting forum I go on have access to my emails, so I have left there. I've deleted everyone bar family from my FB list because of the same thing. I also have rheumatoid arthritis and have convinced myself I've made it all up and there is nothing wrong with me.

I have isolated myself, I've pushed all my friends away and I'm doing the same with my family. I've gone from loving talking to people to not being able to stand being in the company of others, even though I know being alone makes my condition worse. I can't hold conversations anymore, I either ignore people or my mind goes blank and I can't string a sentence together. I used to be able to keep myself together in front of my children but I'm finding this harder everyday. They are going to end up hating me.

All this is very different from how my depression has been in the past, I'm wondering if I have a personality disorder of some sort? The psychologist said I need to speak to the psychiatrist about it (who I can't see) and my gp doesn't want to know, he said he isn't experienced enough to deal with it and would rather I was seen by a specialist. Where do I go for help? What do I need to do for someone to help me? Everyday I care a bit less and have less hope. I often think how easy it would be to just step out into the road, or take all my meds, I'm really scared of what I will be capeable of if things carry on. I can't see an end to this and the thought of being this way for the next 50 years fills me with dread, I know I don't have the strength to do it.I feel like a child, I want someone to look after me and make it all go away.

Sorry this has turned into an essay. Does this sound similar to what anyone else is dealing with?

Thanks.

 

[Lola]

So I thought I would update on what has happened since I first posted. I'm not sure if anyone is reading but it might help just to get it in writing.

I spoke to the psychologist for an hour over the phone, I couldn't leave the house to make my appointment. She said she would ring my gp and tell him everything I had said and I was to phone to make an appointment with him so he could discuss it with me. I knew it was pointless but went along with it. My GP couldn't fit me in so I saw a nurse. The psychologist had phoned but only spoke to the receptionist and didn't leave a message. The nurse was crap. She said that she saw it as a positive thing that I had make up on because depressed people tend not to bother. She asked about my husband and children, then said I didn't need to worry about how my children reacted to me it was my marriage that I needed to worry about!!! :/ I couldn't believe it. She told me to make a urgent appointment with my GP because my meds were too complex for her to start messing with. I can't get in to see the DR until next Wed. What do I need to do to get some frigging help? I'm so angry and frustrated. I am begging these people to help me and they aren't interested. What's the point? I give up, fuck it.