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I feel like wanting anyone to love me would be such a burden to them

L

Lostcat98

New member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Denver
I don’t really know who to talk to about this. I have friends, lot of internet friends I talk to and I’m close with. And I know their answer will be “but I love you and I think you’re amazing!” And that’s very kind of them. I do think I am a good friend. But something about the idea of being someone’s girlfriend and they’re stuck with the burden of having to love me makes me very sad.
I recently reconnected with someone I was dating, I’ll call him J. He became busy with work and I broke off our relationship because I simply didn’t want to bother him. I didn’t want him to grow to resent me because he’s busy with work and wanting to spend time with friends and then he has to deal with me too. I know a lot of it comes from my first and only relationship being very emotionally abusive. He accused me of cheating every time we were together. At some points he said I was a burden and a parasite. For whatever reason, I stayed because at the beginning of the relationship he said I was someone he wanted to marry and he wanted to live me with. I was hoping we’d get back to that point, but he dumped me over text and blocked me. I dated a little bit, but usually ended things when it seemed like they couldn’t be bothered with me anymore. A couple of those guys have reached out to me, but I just avoid them.
But after reconnecting with J, he told me that he missed me and he was thinking about me a lot, but parts of me feels like he only said it because I told him I missed him. And now I’m back to thinking that he’d be better of without the burden of having to deal with me. It makes me kind of want to disappear and be alone, even though I reached out to him. It makes me feel very sad. I don’t really want to date. I just don’t think anyone has the extra time or love to spare for me. I don’t want to be a parasite, or have someone love me only because they think I’m pitiful. And deep down, I think that’s the only reason anyone would ever love me. Sometimes I even feel like a burden on my family.
I never opened up to J about my past relationship and just how much I was torn down because most days I don’t even think about it. It just seems engrained into who I am now. Of course I’d love to fall in love one day, but it seems like anyone who falls in love with me would just be cursed with my existence. I simply can’t see anyone getting anything pleasurable out of a relationship with me, other than sex.
i know deep inside I don’t have much self worth other than what I can offer to people, like being a good friend and a good coworker. But I don’t think I would be a good girlfriend at all. I’d feel sorry for reaching out to J only to disappear again. I just needed a place to share this, thanks for reading
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 1, 2021
Messages
5,177
Location
California
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. It is hard when not feeling well to see things clearly. I can see how someone you loved calling you a parasite would be a pain that might take longer than some might imagine to leave. Unkind things have been said to me. I guess that is putting things mildly but they were internalized. I was careful not to get too close even though I wanted closeness. I felt like a burden and that anyone I would ever be with would discover that. I even had that fear when I was first with my husband. I was afraid that I would ruin things. In an awful argument with a family member, I was told that they felt sorry for him once he would find out about "the real me". The argument had nothing to do with my husband, then my fiance. But someone wanted to tell me just how awful of a person I am.

On our way to get our marriage certificate, a bird flew into the windshield of our car. I thought it was a bad omen. That I was going to ruin his life. I cried when I was alone. I cried because I thought I was misleading him and not telling him the truth about me. The only real truth was that I loved him, but things we've learned about ourselves, even false things can become overbearing. I haven't ever told my husband that I was scared it was a bad omen.

He has always been honest with me, about things that I do well and things I need to work on. His love is honest and mine for him is too.

You won't be a burden. You're not a burden. Sending good wishes and understanding. 💗
 
L

Lostcat98

New member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
2
Location
Denver
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way. It is hard when not feeling well to see things clearly. I can see how someone you loved calling you a parasite would be a pain that might take longer than some might imagine to leave. Unkind things have been said to me. I guess that is putting things mildly but they were internalized. I was careful not to get too close even though I wanted closeness. I felt like a burden and that anyone I would ever be with would discover that. I even had that fear when I was first with my husband. I was afraid that I would ruin things. In an awful argument with a family member, I was told that they felt sorry for him once he would find out about "the real me". The argument had nothing to do with my husband, then my fiance. But someone wanted to tell me just how awful of a person I am.

On our way to get our marriage certificate, a bird flew into the windshield of our car. I thought it was a bad omen. That I was going to ruin his life. I cried when I was alone. I cried because I thought I was misleading him and not telling him the truth about me. The only real truth was that I loved him, but things we've learned about ourselves, even false things can become overbearing. I haven't ever told my husband that I was scared it was a bad omen.

He has always been honest with me, about things that I do well and things I need to work on. His love is honest and mine for him is too.

You won't be a burden. You're not a burden. Sending good wishes and understanding. 💗

hello, I’m not sure how to reply, I’m pretty new to this forum. But thank you for replying to me. I suppose it’s quite difficult to feel worthy of love if someone has expressed that we are difficult to love. But it does make me happy that you are able to see your husband does love you, and I hope I can be able to see and understand that in the people I am around now. Thank you very much for your kind words, may the universe gift you :)
 
KittyCat92

KittyCat92

Well-known member
Joined
May 8, 2021
Messages
3,503
Location
United Kingdom
I don’t really know who to talk to about this. I have friends, lot of internet friends I talk to and I’m close with. And I know their answer will be “but I love you and I think you’re amazing!” And that’s very kind of them. I do think I am a good friend. But something about the idea of being someone’s girlfriend and they’re stuck with the burden of having to love me makes me very sad.
I recently reconnected with someone I was dating, I’ll call him J. He became busy with work and I broke off our relationship because I simply didn’t want to bother him. I didn’t want him to grow to resent me because he’s busy with work and wanting to spend time with friends and then he has to deal with me too. I know a lot of it comes from my first and only relationship being very emotionally abusive. He accused me of cheating every time we were together. At some points he said I was a burden and a parasite. For whatever reason, I stayed because at the beginning of the relationship he said I was someone he wanted to marry and he wanted to live me with. I was hoping we’d get back to that point, but he dumped me over text and blocked me. I dated a little bit, but usually ended things when it seemed like they couldn’t be bothered with me anymore. A couple of those guys have reached out to me, but I just avoid them.
But after reconnecting with J, he told me that he missed me and he was thinking about me a lot, but parts of me feels like he only said it because I told him I missed him. And now I’m back to thinking that he’d be better of without the burden of having to deal with me. It makes me kind of want to disappear and be alone, even though I reached out to him. It makes me feel very sad. I don’t really want to date. I just don’t think anyone has the extra time or love to spare for me. I don’t want to be a parasite, or have someone love me only because they think I’m pitiful. And deep down, I think that’s the only reason anyone would ever love me. Sometimes I even feel like a burden on my family.
I never opened up to J about my past relationship and just how much I was torn down because most days I don’t even think about it. It just seems engrained into who I am now. Of course I’d love to fall in love one day, but it seems like anyone who falls in love with me would just be cursed with my existence. I simply can’t see anyone getting anything pleasurable out of a relationship with me, other than sex.
i know deep inside I don’t have much self worth other than what I can offer to people, like being a good friend and a good coworker. But I don’t think I would be a good girlfriend at all. I’d feel sorry for reaching out to J only to disappear again. I just needed a place to share this, thanks for reading
I’m new to this forum too and just read your post and wanted to tell you that you’re not alone.

My ex was abusive, emotionally, mentally and physically. I’ve only ever told one person this but he raped me. I’m still not ‘over it’. It still hurts.

Because of the way he treated me I’ve felt like no one would ever want to date me, no one would ever find me attractive, no one would ever love me.

So I’m still single but I do think that if that’s still my mindset then I still need to be on my own to work on myself otherwise no future relationship will work out. We need to be okay with ourselves first before being okay, safe and trusting with someone else.

If you feel comfortable to talk to J about how you feel then you should, it’s like the thing of ‘if you don’t ask the answer is always no’. You’re not a burden, if he doesn’t react the way you hope it’s not because of you. There is nothing wrong with you. I get that it’s hard to believe but honestly, trust me, there is nothing wrong with you ❤️
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
9,123
Location
Nashua NH
I don’t really know who to talk to about this. I have friends, lot of internet friends I talk to and I’m close with. And I know their answer will be “but I love you and I think you’re amazing!” And that’s very kind of them. I do think I am a good friend. But something about the idea of being someone’s girlfriend and they’re stuck with the burden of having to love me makes me very sad.
I recently reconnected with someone I was dating, I’ll call him J. He became busy with work and I broke off our relationship because I simply didn’t want to bother him. I didn’t want him to grow to resent me because he’s busy with work and wanting to spend time with friends and then he has to deal with me too. I know a lot of it comes from my first and only relationship being very emotionally abusive. He accused me of cheating every time we were together. At some points he said I was a burden and a parasite. For whatever reason, I stayed because at the beginning of the relationship he said I was someone he wanted to marry and he wanted to live me with. I was hoping we’d get back to that point, but he dumped me over text and blocked me. I dated a little bit, but usually ended things when it seemed like they couldn’t be bothered with me anymore. A couple of those guys have reached out to me, but I just avoid them.
But after reconnecting with J, he told me that he missed me and he was thinking about me a lot, but parts of me feels like he only said it because I told him I missed him. And now I’m back to thinking that he’d be better of without the burden of having to deal with me. It makes me kind of want to disappear and be alone, even though I reached out to him. It makes me feel very sad. I don’t really want to date. I just don’t think anyone has the extra time or love to spare for me. I don’t want to be a parasite, or have someone love me only because they think I’m pitiful. And deep down, I think that’s the only reason anyone would ever love me. Sometimes I even feel like a burden on my family.
I never opened up to J about my past relationship and just how much I was torn down because most days I don’t even think about it. It just seems engrained into who I am now. Of course I’d love to fall in love one day, but it seems like anyone who falls in love with me would just be cursed with my existence. I simply can’t see anyone getting anything pleasurable out of a relationship with me, other than sex.
i know deep inside I don’t have much self worth other than what I can offer to people, like being a good friend and a good coworker. But I don’t think I would be a good girlfriend at all. I’d feel sorry for reaching out to J only to disappear again. I just needed a place to share this, thanks for reading

Hi Lostcat and welcome to the forums. It seems like you have been doing an awful lot of thinking about whether or not you are lovable or could be a positive role in a romantic partners life. Maybe giving them the opportunity to make those decisions for you would be best. Nobody is perfect and we all have our imperfections. That doesn’t make us unlovable it might just mean some adjustments need to be made. There is every possibility that you could find a person who values your presence in their life enough to be ready, willing and able to make those adjustments. You just have to decide to give that person a chance. xo, j
 
Z

ZechariahElijah

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 16, 2021
Messages
209
Location
United States
I wonder if it would be helpful to talk to a counselor about this (maybe you’ve already thought of that).

My wife has helped me understand the true meaning of love by the way she has loved me and cared for me even in my mess. But she has also taught me to value what I bring to our relationship. Sometimes we just don’t see how valuable we are.

I hope you will find that person who loves you for who you are.
 
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