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I feel like they never take me seriously

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HospitalForSouls

Active member
Joined
Feb 5, 2015
Messages
28
Location
Birmingham, UK
I spent 10 years doing crazy stuff and denying everything and when I finally go to GP/CBT they don't seem to take any of it seriously. Sometimes I like that, I like to slip through the net but then when I have the occasional moment of clarity, I realise that even though I need help, I'm not getting it. From the age of 11, I had physical fights with my parents, like, really bad ones-I mean if I'm being honest I've been arrested, twice for assault and once for criminal damage but I don't feel remorse and I never learn from it. On top of that I have some pretty serious substance problems-I used to take those sleeping pills you get at boots (Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride) but instead of taking 1 or 2 I'd take significantly more, not because I wanted to OD on them or anything-they give you hallucinations, like an acid trip. I used to do the same thing with Benzodiazapines when they gave those to me but eventually they got the gist and stopped prescribing them, then I got desperate and used anything I could find-find-Clarithromicin (like those allergy relief tabs), cough mixture, alcohol, travel sickness pills and some illegals when I had the money. Then, theres all the self harm-literally covered from top of my shoulders to the top of my wrists and there are more on my legs too-I've been admitted to A&E at least 4 times on counts of self abuse-twice for serious OD and twice for superficials-Saw this lot called the RAID team, who were no help, whatsoever. I see things lots of the time, like faces in mirrors and things in the corner of my eye and I always feel like somethings behind me, watching me constantly. Sometimes I get voices, nothing specific-more like noise, chatter that gets progressively louder until it drowns out everything else and occasionally I find myself in fantasies, daydreams almost about suicide or killing people. Its getting to a head and a real personal crisis at the moment because I don't even want to leave my own house, or my own room. I'd rather sit in my room and starve even if I am hungry and stuff is just really awful right now, my family want to practically disown me because they're so ashamed and my ex is trying to cause trouble for me all the time even despite the fact I was constantly kind and nice to her-We were forced to break up because her family saw my self harm... said I was dangerous. Thanks... what a self esteem boost that was... Anyway now I'm really on edge, I have stockpiled painkillers by the truckload-I keep throwing them away but then I get them out of the bin and the cycle goes on and on and I keep self harming hoping I just won't wake up and then all this will go away and it won't hurt me anymore-I keep going to my doctors, begging them for help but they're doing nothing. Prescribed me Citalopram, which I hate but that doesn't make me feel any better and things are getting worse and I'm always scared next times gonna be my last...
 
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HospitalForSouls

Active member
Joined
Feb 5, 2015
Messages
28
Location
Birmingham, UK
Thanks for the reply Nikita, it was very helpful. A couple of things--All the self abuse was done impulsively at times of stress and not with the intention of getting the help-in fact at the time I used to tell the doctors and people at hospital that I was ok and it was simply 'a moment of madness'-Its difficult because I sway between knowing I need help but not getting it and pretending to myself and everyone else that I'm fine, that I'm normal and its all just 'silly mistakes' etc... I also did visit CMHT but they pretty much immediately discharged me... I think on the day I was very anxious and didn't convey to them how difficult I was finding things. However I'm under the impression I may be going for another interview so I'll try and open up more this time. They said carry on with the meds and CBT, which is probably a good thing to do, but I pay for my therapy and I've been going for just over 2 years and I see no improvement, in fact, if anything, I've been on a downhill slope. I mean consider that people usually get CBT on the NHS for 8 weeks, thats a very small fraction of 2 years and yet even though I've had all that time I find myself getting worse each day. As for the medications, I'm aware I need to give it some time, so far, I've had about a months worth, but this isn't my first antidepressant. Its my third. I've been given Fluoxetine and Sertraline before and they both failed even on the highest clinical dose I could be prescribed. As much as I appreciate, the doctors and psychiatrists know more about it than I do, I don't find any of their methods thus far to be working to any benefit
 
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