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I feel like the weirdest human being out there

I

idk_username

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Possible trigger warning, and NSFW, just in case. Also sorry in advance, this is probably gonna be super long.

This is something I'm extremely embarrassed about, I feel like it's so gross and weird and I don't know what's wrong with me. Long story short, I've had a weird relationship with food and body image for a number of years, and I've never been diagnosed, but I think I might have an eating disorder, or some form of disordered eating, something along the lines of anorexia or EDNOS (although I think it's called OSFED now, but whatever).

So sometimes, a few years ago when I was a teenager, I would look at thinspo or pro-ana content to "trigger" myself I guess. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyways to "motivate" myself. I felt so jealous of their skinny, bony bodies, and wished I looked that way. But it gets weirder. I kinda started... "getting off" to it I guess? Like, actually looking at these pictures and feeling funny *down there* or even masturbating to them. Or if I wasn't looking at those pictures, I'd be doing the same thing while imagining myself losing weight and getting skinnier. I feel so gross and ashamed about this. I don't know why I did it. I don't want to be one of those disgusting people who sexualizes/fetishizes a horrible disease like this. Maybe the disorder was just so ingrained in my brain that that's why I started doing that? Idk, but I really hate myself for this. I don't do it anymore, but I'm ashamed that I did this in the past. Also, as if it's not already weird enough, I'm a girl, and I've always considered myself straight, but I was getting off to pictures of other girls, and I have no idea what to make of this. Of course, there's nothing wrong with being LGBT, and for a while I considered that maybe I'm bisexual because I was just so sexually confused about this, but I don't think I am.

As if this isn't already confusing and disgusting enough, there's more. There were a few times when I kinda went to the "opposite extreme" I guess. I did the same thing, but instead of skinny/thinspo pictures, I looked at, or imagined pictures of fat people, and fantasized about what it would feel like to be fat and let myself eat whatever and as much as I wanted. Of course I would never EVER allow myself to do this in real life, and I felt SO much guilt and shame for even imagining this. This added even more confusion and self-disgust/self-hatred.

I've tried to come up with all kinds of psychological explanations for this other than just "I'm a psychopathic weirdo with a sick fetish," but idk if any of them are legit or if I'm just reassuring myself in vain. I think that anything that symbolizes a loss of self-control is kind of taboo to me, and that's why having self-control when it comes to food is so important to me. Also, sex is somewhat of a taboo (especially for young women like me because of the shameful messages we receive from society about our sexuality while simultaneously being sexualized), so somehow I came to associate the two. So I would fantasize about eating/food/letting myself indulge while masturbating or feeling "turned on" because then I could knock out two guilty pleasures in one. On the other hand, I associated being thin with being sexually desirable, so I came to associate those two things as well. Idk if this makes any sense.

I've also considered the idea that I might have some form of OCD. I've heard of types of OCD (i.e. Harm OCD, Malevolent OCD, "Pure O" OCD) where people have weird intrusive thoughts that are sexually related or taboo, and they would never act out these thoughts in real life, and they feel ashamed of them, but they fear that these thoughts make them a bad person and/or mean that they have some kind of fetish.

Can anyone else relate? Has anyone else ever done this before, or am I just alone in a world of 7 billion people? Am I weird and gross? (please don't say yes) I'm actually a good person in real life, or at least I try really hard to be, and I would never want to hurt anyone or have some kind of weird, immoral fetish.
 
Z

Zoe1

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hi idk :welcome:

I think you might need some help from a therapist
because of the depth of your guilt about this
and whats behind it

people have all kinds of weird thoughts
and there is nothing wrong with yours
apart from the guilt you feel about it

I hope you find the forum helpful


:grouphug:🕯
 
Zackthemaniac

Zackthemaniac

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I dont have a eating disorder so I dont know if its common, but psychologically it makes sense to me that you sexualized your idea of the perfect thin woman and also the idea of being free of your desire to be thin and over indulge in eating by sexualizing large woman.

You have no reason to feel guilty and disgusting about it. Since you said you stopped the behavior, the guilt/shame is the only issue. You just have to accept it was a phase of your obsession with weight and try to let it go. If you cant I would try therapy.

But you are definitely NOT a sick or disgusting person.

:grouphug:
 
Prettyroses99

Prettyroses99

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Dec 23, 2020
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California, USA
I've suffer from anorexia and bulimia since I was around 10ish. I'm not for sure the exact age because as a child I didn't know what I was doing was bad.

I also have an attraction towards skinny women but with tattoos and short or buzzed cut hair. :)

I've fallen off the wagon and the last 3 days I've consumed only 200 calories which occurred just yesterday. I'm trying but it's hard.

You're not alone in this world. Hang in there and don't have negative thoughts about yourself for how you feel.
 

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