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I feel like such a failure

K

Karriegem

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2010
Messages
3
Sorry if this is long, just need to get my thoughts written down I think. I am 26 years old and I feel like my life is such a mess, I just don’t know what to do anymore. A few years ago I gave up my job to go to uni because I decided that I wanted to be a teacher, I knew that this would be difficult money wise but at the time I thought it was worth it. I graduated last year and started my first job in September but I had been feeling increasingly low and unwell for sometime and this got worse and after my grandmother died a few weeks into my knew job I just fell apart, I wasn’t enjoying my job even though I had enjoyed teaching during my training (although I don’t know how much of that was due to how ill and depressed I was feeling). In November I was diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and depression and was signed off work and I am still off work. I have been on various anti-depressants since then but none of them have worked and I am now on a waiting list for CBT.

I just feel like such a failure. All my friends are engaged or married, have great jobs and their own houses, but I’m still at home, which I hate, because I have no money. I have only ever had one relationship and that ended several years ago and I have been on my own since, I hate the way I look, I am overweight and feel like no one will ever want me. Now I feel like I have messed up my career as well because my contract comes to an end soon and I can’t see anyone wanting to employ with this illness and absence on my record, especially in my first job. I just don’t know what to do, every day I think tomorrow will be a new start but I feel so low, I just don’t know how to change things, how to motivate myself to make things better when I feel so tired and run downed and depressed all the time. Every time I think about going back to work I feel sick and panicy but at the same time, the longer I am off surely the harder it will be to get another job.

I am unhappy in just about every aspect of my life, I feel like I am trapped in a life I don’t want but I don’t know how to change it. I don’t want to feel like this forever, but I just feel hopeless.

K x
 
O

oldboiler

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Joined
Mar 20, 2010
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4
Location
Kent
Dear Karriegem
You are not alone. I was a teacher, and I can tell you that many people in this profession suffer from depression. (Chicken or egg?) The only advice I could reasonably offer is not to return to work before you are truly ready. You will already have realised that teaching is incredibly demanding and (usually) stressful, so you need to make sure that you have the mental and physical resources to cope fully, otherwise it's not fair on you, or your pupils. Your headteacher has a duty of care towards you, and when you are ready to return, he or she will probably be willing to negotiate with you a gradual re-integration into school life (maybe starting with non-teaching tasks).Try not to get too hung up on the still living at home thing-it has its advantages (support, finances,etc), but concentrate instead on getting better-there will be medication available out there that works for you; you (just!) have to be persistent. Easy for me to say, I know! (Been there, got the t-shirt...). Good luck.
 
D

DELATEXT

Guest
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE,
YOU ARE ILL, PLEASE SEE A DOCTOR,
WHO WILL HELP ASAP,
YOU ARE BRIGHT AND CLEVER,
YOU HAVE A FUTURE,
ONE STEP AT A TIME !!!




(y)
 
T

TOONAFISH

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 23, 2008
Messages
2,686
Location
Bonnie Scotland
You are not a failure!! I understand that when you feel so many aspects of your life need changing that you can feel overwhelmed. I felt like that too.

The first thing you need to do is get well, then you will be in a better place to tackle all the other things.

For the depression and cfs, try a healthy diet with lots of fruit veg water, brown bread, less sugary drinks and treats. not a low fat diet, just healthy. also some light excercise like a wee walk, nothing to strenuous.

you can get some cbt books from the library, to help you get started.

i found cbt really helpful for my depression etc

as for your weight , i am in the same boat, it gets me down too. however we dont have to be stick thin to feel good. xx it will all fall into place.

keep trying with the medication, there are loads to try. x:welcome:
 
K

Karriegem

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2010
Messages
3
Thank you for your replies, I really appreciate it. It's good to know I'm not alone although obviously I wouldn't wish feeling like this on anyone.

I have been thinking about asking my head if maybe I could start going into school just to hear children read or help out groups or something, but I'm not sure and get panicy everytime I think about it. I didn't want to think about going back to work until I had started to feel better because I am scared of going back and I wanted to feel a bit stronger because I'm worried I won't cope otherwise, but so far the medication isn't working and there's no end in sight. The fact that my contract runs out at the end of the summer term puts the pressure on a bit, I feel like if I don't go back soon, I'll not be there long before the contract ends and theres no way I'll get a decent reference and then whats going to happen when I try and get another job?!

Anyway, it's good to talk, any advice is always appreciated and hearing about other peoples experiences is really helpful. K x
 
H

Homealone

Member
Joined
Jan 25, 2014
Messages
6
I to feel like a failure.

I am currently lay in a dark silent room. Hiding away because I seem to have totally lost the ability to function.

How did I get here?

I am 48. Have had a successful outgoing career with the same firm for 31 years.

I was married to my ex husband for 19 years up until I left him nearly five years ago. He was not violent or anything he worked to much and I couldn't handle that.

So as part of the marriage we had a beautiful house and we bought a villa in Spain for our future.

We still jointly own these properties.

My ex husband has never had a girlfriend since the day I left ...

Unlike me, I am now in a relationship with a lovely man who cares for me very much.

We worked together up until October when I was made redundate. Oh what a life changing event that was.

Basically if someone would have offered redundancy 5 years ago I would have been enjoying our investment now ...

Being made redundant has totally blown my mind.
I feel worthless, unable to move forward. On top of that I have had to deal with several close family deaths in the last year, one being my dad and I am currently having to sort out his estate for my mum at great legal costs which I am paying.

There are a very select 3 people know what I am going thru, my ex husband, my current partner and a close friend.

None of my family because I can't let them see me in such a bad place as they all look to me for support.

I am not eating, and I am numbing my problems with alcohol, and I look a mess. I lash out at those who are trying to help me.

I have left my current partner and am sleeping on an air bed with a tv to keep me company.

Did I see this coming a year ago? Not a chance.

I look at the people who are desparately trying to pull me round and wonder ... How come you love me the way you do when I have failed and ended up in such a mess

This room gives me the solace I need to drink and forget everything I am worried about. No one would believe on the outside what is happening to me
 

MarlieeB

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Jan 15, 2013
Messages
25,044
Hi Home alone and welcome to the forum.

You have posted on quite a old thread here so not many people may of seen it. Not saying that you have done anything wrong because you haven't :)

Why not pop along here Introduce Yourself and give yourself a proper introduction :) You don't have to of course.

Do you see any Doctors or anyone like that about how you are feeling? To be honest what you are saying about Drinking to numb and pain is worrying me.

Please let the people trying to pull you around do just that. I hope at some point you can talk to someone about this instead of shutting yourself away.

Take care

Sarah x
 
H

Homealone

Member
Joined
Jan 25, 2014
Messages
6
Thank you Sarah. I will do that
 
Reach

Reach

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Joined
Jan 1, 2014
Messages
1,295
I feel exactly the same as you, only i'm 37 so a bit older. Everything else is the same. I'm sorry you feel this way too. I am a social worker and off work for three years, thinking i will never be employable in the future. I work one morning a week as a social worker but this is more than i can manage. Sorry don't want to go on about me, was just wanting to say that you are ill, depression is a serious illness but it doesn't last forever. It is unfortunate that this has happened during your first job, but you can always do supply teaching and ease back into it when you are ready to come off of benefits (if you are on ESA?). It takes time to get better though, meds don't always work straight away and sometimes you need to try a few before you find the right one. My psychiatrist said once that depression often comes and stays as long as it wants, and leave when it is ready. It has a mind of its own. You will get through it. Depending on your views, you might see depression as having a purpose, to change your life and you, and so you just have to go with it and do your best to look after yourself, go easy on yourself, be kind to yourself. It is a long journey, i won't lie, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Depression also will make you look on your life negatively. In truth, you are young and most people don't get married until 30 anyway so you have plenty of time. I'm sure in a couple of years you will be in a different place, we never know what is around the corner. Take care of yourself x
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
7,825
Location
small town Ontario, Canada
I was off work three years before I ventured going back, and to something completely different.

It does not mean your a failure at all, a career can fail, a marriage can fail, you can lose everything but your shirt, go through hell with mh issues and still be able to bounce back, I have been through it 4 times over, walked in many shoes and although each one was crushing in the loss' and grieving,, it always led to great changes. Material posessions are replaceable, new friends and relationships can be forged, you actually come out stronger and more confident,
Please try to see it as an opportunity to rid yourselves of negative influences and ways which don't work to learn from it in ways you can move forward, try new things and realize how strong it is to survive and move on. It's not failure, it's change and change is permanent, changes themselve aren't.
 
K

Karriegem

New member
Joined
Mar 30, 2010
Messages
3
Hi everyone,

I haven't been here in a while and was surprised to see new replies to this thread. I started this thread a long time ago and its strange reading it now. In some ways lots has changed but in other ways nothing has. I got back into teaching for a while but unfortunately suffered very bad bullying from my head teacher and with the help of my union left last year. I now have another non-teaching job which I enjoy but is a temporary contract which ends in April so things are uncertain now. I now rent a flat which I love but it has been put up for sale and I can't afford to buy and in my area since I have started renting the rent seems to have gone up everywhere else so far haven't been able to find anywhere else decent that I can afford.

When I started this thread I said I felt like a failure and in a way I feel like that even more now. I am 30 and all my friends are married with children and good careers and homes. I sacrificed a lot to go back to university but it turned out teaching wasn't for me and as a result I have not much money and I feel like I have completely wasted my degree. I am still single and feel like I desperately want to turn things around but have no idea where to start. Although I'm not sure what I would like to do long term, I have a few ideas but they would all involve re-training and I can't afford to do that for now I feel like I'm just getting by.

At 30 I feel I should be on the right track and instead it seems like I have achieved nothing and I'm starting from scratch. I understand the feelings of people who have replied and are in similar situations and I hope things improve. Thanks again for the replies.

x
 
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