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I feel like part of me is missing/dead.

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SadRainbow

Former member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
2,657
Location
Norfolk
I don't think that part is coming back. I think I almost have to become someone new. I know we all grow and change all the time anyway, but it really feels like a traumatic loss for me.

The part of me that's not there was the part that felt good things, that part that enjoyed music, books and films, the part of me that got high from being creative, the part of me that felt awe and wonder when I looked at the stars, the part of me that felt utter bliss from eating chocolate, the part of me that couldn't help but dance a little whenever I heard some great dance music, the part of me that felt my heart swell with love for those special people in my life... I still love them and my love is still stronger than my misery but there is no joy in it. There is no joy in anything.

This is not living. This is a kind of quiet hell, to continue, as long as I can because I refuse to do anything that would hurt my daughter, to keep going with this joyless existence.
 
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Bod

Former member
Joined
Jul 19, 2021
Messages
7,860
Location
Pretty Good
My part of me at 9 yrs will never come back for me, so I just have try and make the best of this life that I have. I really am so very sorry that you are joyless and that is sad to read, with some people it does take longer to even get a small feeling of happiness as for me it took 20 years of very hard work where I push my self to the limit and I still do just that everyday as I want to get back to that warm peaceful feeling I had a while back, I do hope that one day you can really smile and feel the joy from within your self.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

Former member
Joined
Jul 8, 2013
Messages
41,413
Location
The Prancing Pony
Hey.

I am your friendly neighbourhood nutcase. SadRainbow - look - it is painful for your to miss some joy because your soul wants to feel happy. it is its natural state and your being is in conflict.
 
Kotter

Kotter

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 7, 2021
Messages
203
Location
USA
the antipsychotics suck up my soul.
so, i understand what you're saying.
 
K

Keesha

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 19, 2019
Messages
4,665
Location
N/A
I’m sorry you feel this way SadRainbow 🌈
Hopefully your joy will return.
 
S

SadRainbow

Former member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
2,657
Location
Norfolk
Thanks for all the replies. There's so many little things... I used to wear funky earrings every day. I just don't bother any more. For some reason I looked for earrings today. They are all mixed up and lots are missing - thanks to my little girl. I feel like so many of these things have been taken from me, and yes they're just little things but it all adds up.
 
simann

simann

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 18, 2021
Messages
107
Location
uae
I don't think that part is coming back. I think I almost have to become someone new. I know we all grow and change all the time anyway, but it really feels like a traumatic loss for me.

The part of me that's not there was the part that felt good things, that part that enjoyed music, books and films, the part of me that got high from being creative, the part of me that felt awe and wonder when I looked at the stars, the part of me that felt utter bliss from eating chocolate, the part of me that couldn't help but dance a little whenever I heard some great dance music, the part of me that felt my heart swell with love for those special people in my life... I still love them and my love is still stronger than my misery but there is no joy in it. There is no joy in anything.

This is not living. This is a kind of quiet hell, to continue, as long as I can because I refuse to do anything that would hurt my daughter, to keep going with this joyless existence.
I could feel now how my husband is feeling.. while reading ur post i can feel him so deep.. I put him in such misery as u r in..
 
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SadRainbow

Former member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
2,657
Location
Norfolk
I could feel now how my husband is feeling.. while reading ur post i can feel him so deep.. I put him in such misery as u r in..
You put him in misery? What happened? I doubt it's your fault ❤️
 
simann

simann

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 18, 2021
Messages
107
Location
uae
You put him in misery? What happened? I doubt it's your fault ❤
PLease read my thread
 
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TheLastGirlScout

Active member
Joined
Oct 12, 2021
Messages
37
Location
LV-426
Hi Sad Rainbow,
For the past 6 or 7 years it's been so difficult for me to find and connect with things that make me think all this is worth it. I'm constantly living in fear and regret. I started therapy about 2 months ago and have made some progress. But instead of feeling like I'm getting closer to the end of the dark tunnel it just feels like I'm learning how to cope in here a little better. I may never come out of the tunnel and that frustrates me.
I think some of my problem is comparing my situation to others around me. I know I'm a mess and everyone else seems to have it together or at least know who they are, what they want, and what their life means. But of course that is me just projecting and gives me ammo to tear myself down.
Some days I just have to give myself permission to be where I'm at and who I am, whoever or whatever that is.
 
S

SadRainbow

Former member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
2,657
Location
Norfolk
Hi Sad Rainbow,
For the past 6 or 7 years it's been so difficult for me to find and connect with things that make me think all this is worth it. I'm constantly living in fear and regret. I started therapy about 2 months ago and have made some progress. But instead of feeling like I'm getting closer to the end of the dark tunnel it just feels like I'm learning how to cope in here a little better. I may never come out of the tunnel and that frustrates me.
I think some of my problem is comparing my situation to others around me. I know I'm a mess and everyone else seems to have it together or at least know who they are, what they want, and what their life means. But of course that is me just projecting and gives me ammo to tear myself down.
Some days I just have to give myself permission to be where I'm at and who I am, whoever or whatever that is.
I'm so sorry you've been having such a hard time and for so long 😞 I too feel like if I am getting better it's mostly that I am just getting used to being miserable all the time, rather than actually feeling better. I'm fortunate that somehow I have quite a lot of compassion for myself though. I used to be really hard on myself but these days I'm kinder.
 
S

SadRainbow

Former member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
2,657
Location
Norfolk
I think the main issue is that I'm just not cut out to be a parent. I'm a good mother but it's possibly destroying me. My child is high energy and very social. She doesn't sleep much and needs a lot of stimulation every day. I never imagined I'd have a child like that - her dad and I are much more quiet and laid back. When she was a baby she had colic and cried a LOT. Her only really comfort was me and she still wants lots of comfort - she's always sitting on me and touching me.
 
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TheLastGirlScout

Active member
Joined
Oct 12, 2021
Messages
37
Location
LV-426
I think the main issue is that I'm just not cut out to be a parent. I'm a good mother but it's possibly destroying me. My child is high energy and very social. She doesn't sleep much and needs a lot of stimulation every day. I never imagined I'd have a child like that - her dad and I are much more quiet and laid back. When she was a baby she had colic and cried a LOT. Her only really comfort was me and she still wants lots of comfort - she's always sitting on me and touching me.
Caring for another human is exhausting, especially when it's a child who only wants what they want. I'm 51 and my 2 kids are in their 30s now. I can definitely say motherhood wasn't/isn't for me. Being emotionally connected to another human for the rest of my life is such a struggle for me. I wish I had a spell that would keep them happy and safe but make them forget me so I could just disappear.

But....if I ever found myself back in that place with them when they were young, I know that I would treasure them more. It's difficult when you're in the thick of it and having to be everything to someone else, but I wish I would have nurtured and hugged them more. Just know that she will grow and need less from you as time goes by and that will create a whole new set of challenges for you 😄
 
S

SadRainbow

Former member
Joined
Aug 5, 2021
Messages
2,657
Location
Norfolk
Caring for another human is exhausting, especially when it's a child who only wants what they want. I'm 51 and my 2 kids are in their 30s now. I can definitely say motherhood wasn't/isn't for me. Being emotionally connected to another human for the rest of my life is such a struggle for me. I wish I had a spell that would keep them happy and safe but make them forget me so I could just disappear.

But....if I ever found myself back in that place with them when they were young, I know that I would treasure them more. It's difficult when you're in the thick of it and having to be everything to someone else, but I wish I would have nurtured and hugged them more. Just know that she will grow and need less from you as time goes by and that will create a whole new set of challenges for you 😄
Yeah... I'm aware I will probably get to a point when I miss these days. She's four now and I already miss her as a cute little baby, despite the torture of sleep deprivation... I'm particularly sad that my depression means I'm not enjoying her childhood. I really, really wish I could. I love her and I think she's wonderful but I get no pleasure from being with her 😞
 
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