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I feel like only darkness exists and nothing can be done about it

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ohioeddie

Active member
Joined
Jun 5, 2018
Messages
44
Location
Lima, Ohio
Hi all. I'm new here. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for a long time. I'm an addict and I've been clean for almost a year and a half.

I can't get past this feeling that my life will never have anything positive. All I can see is darkness in the future. Like I'll never be happy again. It is hard to explain. But I do my best to try. Nobody in my family understands and all my addiction doctor wants to do is throw pills at me. I don't want pills.

I act like I am happy, but deep inside I am crying. Nothing will ever make this better. I don't contemplate suicide but I do sometimes wish I would die to release myself from this pain. :( Every day I wake up feeling bland and useless. Why does this have to exist. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Love to all of you,
Ohioeddie
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
2,460
Depression can be a killer... Its hard to say what you need to climb out of the hole...
Look for the little things I guess... No matter how small they are.. At least you kicked your habit.. That's something.. a step up.

:welcome: Ohioeddie :)
 
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ohioeddie

Active member
Joined
Jun 5, 2018
Messages
44
Location
Lima, Ohio
Honestly I ain't even sure what I need to climb out. Sometimes I feel like blowing a pill again would do it, but I know in reality it would make shit worse in the long run so I stay away from it.

Really sucks worse that my fiance is just like, how can you be sad, you have a good life..... If I knew how then I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in. Argh
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
2,460
Honestly I ain't even sure what I need to climb out. Sometimes I feel like blowing a pill again would do it, but I know in reality it would make shit worse in the long run so I stay away from it.

Really sucks worse that my fiance is just like, how can you be sad, you have a good life..... If I knew how then I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in. Argh
'The middle children of history '... Nothing satisfies us...

'Our great war is a spiritual war... Our great depression is our lives...'

i'm just spinning the wheels.. letting my life run down... i don't think there is an 'answer' anymore... joy is a myth... all thats left is the little things...

do you have a 'good' life ?
 
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ohioeddie

Active member
Joined
Jun 5, 2018
Messages
44
Location
Lima, Ohio
In my opinion I do not. Money and material items doesn't mean happiness when I'm screaming for help inside. Happiness means true happiness mental happiness.
 
Zardos

Zardos

Well-known member
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
2,460
Sounds like you need a religion... I'd join Scientology but I don't have enough money... Maybe you need something spiritual... Something to 'believe'... :scratcheshead:
 
Mayflower7

Mayflower7

Well-known member
Moderator
Joined
Jan 4, 2013
Messages
9,864
Location
England
Hi Eddie,
Sorry you have depression, have you ever tried therapy e.g. Counselling or CBT?
I have depression and anxiety so truly understand.
Here to listen.
Take care
 
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ohioeddie

Active member
Joined
Jun 5, 2018
Messages
44
Location
Lima, Ohio
I haven't tried really anything. I've been putting it off for years because up until recently it's been not a big issue. I see a heart doctor tomorrow at 1pm est just to be sure there isn't an underlying issue that is causing the constant anxiety. If there isn't then I am going to certainly address the issue cause it's interfering with my family function for the last 2 weeks. Since it has gotten worse.
 
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