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I feel like nothing is worth living anymore

7

73784

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I really didn't intend to write a post like this. Normally I am a happy person, I guess. And it makes people so suffocated, if you start pitying yourself. Normally I looked down at people making posts like this. Saying they wanted to end their life. I always thought they wanted solely attention, and now that I write one myself, I guess I was right, just my former self didn't understand why they wanted this.

I am anxious and I am depressed and sad and unhappy and all the words what I can not tell anyone, because I only stand there with my actions. Only that counts. See, I want to be take seriously, but I don't do it myself. The only thing I do is sarcasm every and anything what is of importance. The only thing I do is lie, I even lie about lying. Saying that it is not so bad and, well, I am just a bad person. I lie by telling myself, I just want to save some time so I need to lie, because that is easier. But it is not true, I do it because I actually enjoy it. To know, that I know something, nobody else knows. It is pathetic.

All I do is walk. If feels like I don't do anything else in life. I just walk all day, all night. It is not the same road, but it is always the same action. I walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and walk and it doesn't end. I wonder why I walk.

I used to like living. I liked sports and I liked to have friends. I liked to make them laugh and I liked to have parents that care about me. I do actually believe I still like living. I just don't wanna do it anymore. It is so hard to keep walking, once you realize that there is no reason for it.

I am not dumb. I don't even know, what I want to achive with this. People probably just gonna say get help before something serious happens, but then they miss the point. I fucking want that something serious happens. People gonna say that life is worth living, as if it wouldn't be a totally subjective thing. People are gonna say that I should get help, because, and that is the only reason, because it sounds like they being rational. Tell this broken girl to get help, that makes sense right? Or they tell you they care about you, as if that would change a thing.

You know what I am really scared of? Of all the scenario people that could read this, that there is a person like me. A person who just again sarcasms everything I just wrote, just to make her own life feel worthy. I am really scared someone like me could exist twice.

So, is life worth living? Tell me, are these not the only reasons, why it is not? As if we even know what death means. Death could be a fucking virtue, but I guess people rather believe in what is accepted, instead of what they believe.

You know, I really started to hate myself. Everything I do. Everything I do not. Maybe this sarcasm was just there because, I hated myself a while long, but couldn't stand myself enough to admit it.

Now there is the best reason of all to keep living. Because people around you will be sad. But I know they are sad already. And I know that, I don't care. It is not like I live for them and it is not like I am gonna die for them. This is the one thing, what is actually not about them, for once in my shitty life.

There was this one kid in High School, who committed suicide. After it happend, we all went ahead and meet in a room with the class to mourn a guy we have never even heard of. And as I saw a picture of him, I wondered what could have happend that he did such a terrible thing? And now I know. That.
 
M

Marianda

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Read your entire post. I totally understand you. This is what depression does to your mind and body. All I can do is tell you to look for doctor's advice. Yeahh it's the classic answer but what else can we do when we are depressed? Pray? No , that does not help.
 
7

73784

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Read your entire post. I totally understand you. This is what depression does to your mind and body. All I can do is tell you to look for doctor's advice. Yeahh it's the classic answer but what else can we do when we are depressed? Pray? No , that does not help.
I do pray
 
2

2Much2Feel

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I do pray
Prayer def helps me as well. Never thought it would, but it does, often a lot better than the "professionals". Do you go to a church or place of worship at all? Do you have a spiritual counsellor you can speak to? This helped me, talking to my priest, as he put the "holy spin" on things and it helped me see that we're supposed to suffer some in this life (yes, Catholic...) and we can make it through, we have a reason for being here whether we can see it at the moment or not. On top of that, I'd recommend Buddhist literature, it really helped when I was going through an existential crisis that sounds a bit like yours. And I use sarcasm as well, a lot of us do, to mask things and just keep stuff to ourselves.

I really hope you feel better. Is there a therapist or spiritual counsellor you can reach out to? Venting on here also helps, people can give good advice (unlike mine here), and you aren't alone. This world is hellish in a lot of ways, and try to not be so hard on yourself. Keep talking, hopefully it will help, and doing so anonymously is easier.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.

For Switzerland...
 
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Marianda

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I do pray
Im glad prayer helps you. In my case it never did. I had terrible depression moments and I begged God to help me but nothing happened.

I do pray sometimes , I pray to the Universe or whomever is in charge, but my prayers are more like conversations rather than asking for things.
 
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2Much2Feel

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Im glad prayer helps you. In my case it never did. I had terrible depression moments and I begged God to help me but nothing happened.

I do pray sometimes , I pray to the Universe or whomever is in charge, but my prayers are more like conversations rather than asking for things.
I'm sorry it hasn't helped. I think a lot of it is timing, maybe at another point in your life it will help. Didn't work for me until I was in my 40s. But whatever helps, helps, so it's good you can still connect w the Universe :)
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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Hi @73784
Welcome. I empathize with you. I can relate to your being sarcastic. I was very sarcastic when I was around other people. It's a coping mechanism so that other people won't see how sad, empty, and alone we feel. Since I'm all by myself now and I don't work, I can still be sarcastic, but it doesn't quite have the same impact when you're the only one who laughs at your own jokes.
 
7

73784

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Hi @73784
Welcome. I empathize with you. I can relate to your being sarcastic. I was very sarcastic when I was around other people. It's a coping mechanism so that other people won't see how sad, empty, and alone we feel. Since I'm all by myself now and I don't work, I can still be sarcastic, but it doesn't quite have the same impact when you're the only one who laughs at your own jokes.
I understand and I think you are right. It has also been a long time with me, since I actually talked with someone and with time, your own jokes become enjoyable, because you forget how laughing with other people felt. At least, that is the case with me. And I am not just talking about Covid.

Sarcasm is just a reminder to yourself that things can get worse. It is different from a joke. When you tell a joke, it less involves you. Sarcasm is the fear of accepting loss. I would say. A joke is the joy of accepting loss. I have a lot answers. Somehow. But I wonder, why do you think I made this post? I don't actually have an answer for that. I mean, I am clearly irrational some would say and see suicide clearly as an option. And my thesis was I am just attantion driven. Do you think this is the reason? I feel like I an important aspect.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Life is extremely difficult, then add depression, then add some difficult life experiences and being in a hole currently, it is not a good combination.

It doesn't matter what other people think right now, that can be sorted out later when you aren't so depressed.

Are you sleeping 7 hours at night?

During one of my most severe episodes of depression where i did take an overdose, i walked all of the time. It was instinct. I would walk 2 hours to the hospital in the middle of the night, i don't even know how i knew the route!

Are you taking medication? What are you taking? One antidepressants made me feel much worse and very restless and i think this was why i was walking.

If not medication, do you think you would try it?

We will all die eventually but i don't believe we are meant to end it prematurely. We have no idea what is around the corner, we have to wait, even if it is hard.

Your depression needs treating ugently
Are you suicidal right now? Are you safe this evening? It is sunday night here where i am.
Can you get a hot drink, shower and get ready for bed or does that feel impossible?
 
7

73784

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Joined
May 16, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Swiss
Life is extremely difficult, then add depression, then add some difficult life experiences and being in a hole currently, it is not a good combination.

It doesn't matter what other people think right now, that can be sorted out later when you aren't so depressed.

Are you sleeping 7 hours at night?

During one of my most severe episodes of depression where i did take an overdose, i walked all of the time. It was instinct. I would walk 2 hours to the hospital in the middle of the night, i don't even know how i knew the route!

Are you taking medication? What are you taking? One antidepressants made me feel much worse and very restless and i think this was why i was walking.

If not medication, do you think you would try it?

We will all die eventually but i don't believe we are meant to end it prematurely. We have no idea what is around the corner, we have to wait, even if it is hard.

Your depression needs treating ugently
Are you suicidal right now? Are you safe this evening? It is sunday night here where i am.
Can you get a hot drink, shower and get ready for bed or does that feel impossible?
I actually feel really really bad, because this made me feel like good. I am sorry. Maybe I said that I don't want care, but maybe I do. I don't even know what to say. The only thing I do is cry and I don't know. Most nights I hardly sleep and I do believe I have depression, but I don't take medications. I don't know, if I should try it. I don't want to tho. I just feel so defunct. I don't know.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I actually feel really really bad, because this made me feel like good. I am sorry. Maybe I said that I don't want care, but maybe I do. I don't even know what to say. The only thing I do is cry and I don't know. Most nights I hardly sleep and I do believe I have depression, but I don't take medications. I don't know, if I should try it. I don't want to tho. I just feel so defunct. I don't know.
Depression can really confuse thinking and emotions, it is hard to make decisions. It can be nice to feel something too so if i am well for too long i actually miss the intensity of it. I soon hate it again. The confusion is the worst part for me.

Crying is a sign i am at moderate depression by the way.

Medication should help you sleep well pretty quickly. Maybe you could start there, sleep, i can imagine it sounds like a dream ;) You could speak to the doctor, you don't have to say anything in particular or take anything, just talk maybe.

It would be a shame if you died when medication could have kept you alive, or a counsellor could have kept you alive.

You don't have to do this alone, you need help, and it is there
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

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I understand and I think you are right. It has also been a long time with me, since I actually talked with someone and with time, your own jokes become enjoyable, because you forget how laughing with other people felt. At least, that is the case with me. And I am not just talking about Covid.

Sarcasm is just a reminder to yourself that things can get worse. It is different from a joke. When you tell a joke, it less involves you. Sarcasm is the fear of accepting loss. I would say. A joke is the joy of accepting loss. I have a lot answers. Somehow. But I wonder, why do you think I made this post? I don't actually have an answer for that. I mean, I am clearly irrational some would say and see suicide clearly as an option. And my thesis was I am just attantion driven. Do you think this is the reason? I feel like I an important aspect.
My first thought is that I think you wrote this post because it is cathartic for you. My second thought is that I think you are crying out to be told by others that you are a good person (whatever that means, and I think it encompasses a lot).

I disagree with you about your thoughts on sarcasm and a joke:

"Sarcasm is just a reminder to yourself that things can get worse."

"Sarcasm is the fear of accepting loss."

"A joke is the joy of accepting loss."


These definitions are too self-centered, and this is not always the case. For example, if you are being sarcastic or telling a joke which makes fun of a situation or another person which both don't involve you, then your definitions don't apply.
 
M

ManDss

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Maybe you can plan life. Make you a picture of what kind of life you would like.

Maybe its because Im so simple about life. For me just having a house for myself, money for food, and some enterteinment, thats enough for me.

Be able to stay at home and drink a tea, thats a good life for me.

What would you like in life ?
 
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