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I feel like my heart is breaking and it is so hard to live each day without him

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wonderwoman18

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
84
Location
Ottawa
My fiance left me 5 weeks ago and I still cannot believe that this has happened to me after 7.5 years with him. We were so very much in love until the past few months - it was such a bad year with my suicide attempts, my quitting two jobs, my boredom at home and revolving my life around him. I would do anything for another chance to be back with him and he has ghosted me and cut off all contact and it feels like i don't exist without him. I have never felt like this after a break up - i usually turn all my love into hatred and anger towards my exes, but with him i would forgive his leaving and I don't blame him cuz I would leave my own BPD self if i could. I know he was so worried and anxious about me and he had no idea what to do, but I think no one would know how to handle the depths of my emotions when i am in the pit of despair.

If I had not freaked out at his leaving for 8 days on a trip and harmed myself he would still be here and I would not be alone trying to sort out the mess of my life. I am in a 5 bedroom house and my kids moved out in January so I could focus on getting better and I was getting better, but then I was almost hateful towards him the last few weeks cuz i was tired of not finding a job and being at home alone in my own company so often and bored out of my mind. He was financially supporting us and I resented it because I preferred being an equal partner paying my share. I wish I could undo all of the damage I have done this past year. I feel like all my desperation and neediness drove him away and all I can hear is him saying "you are too sick to be with."

I feel like i am dying and i would go to the hospital, but then i would come home and still stuck in this life. I thought that last year my life was not worth living, but at least last year I had a job, i had my daughters living at home and I had my fiance. Now it is just me in "the house of empty rooms and sadness". I have gone on 5 job interviews and when I am away from home and focused on those, I can almost be okay, but then i come home to my 5 cats and no people and i wonder how i will get through this horribly long winter.

The weather is already freezing and i so wish my fiance would just call and give us another chance. I was not sick until the last year - i was living a full life and was a strong woman and independent and now I feel so pathetic and I am in such agony at times - I have a well of emptiness that does not go away. It feels like the pain will never end and I know I should be moving on from him - that he could not give me what i needed and was awful at comforting me and making me feel safe and secure. I don't know how to go on without him - it is so painful and I can't believe he just cut and run and has not even called my kids to see how I am doing. How can our love have just died?
 
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Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
7,024
Location
Nowhere
n yes I know this feeling
I had an empty room feeling once
I shut the door on the empty room, used it as a store room
turned of the radiators in that room
and made myself cosy in the other rooms

so that was a start ,
and then I began this mountain climb
of how to make new friends
which was a huge fight every day

I felt I could make it
and I did eventually recover from that person
met others

but have not cracked it
in terms of the right one !

:love: ✨
 
J

John79

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
51
Location
Liverpool
Listen,

I've gotta be brace and hang in there, I know it's hard but I know your a strong woman, just take each day at a time I wish I could help I more
 
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Tawny

Tawny

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 10, 2019
Messages
414
Location
England
It will get easier, i promise. :grouphug: You aren't the first and certainly won't be the last.
 
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wonderwoman18

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
84
Location
Ottawa
Yeah thanks everyone for your kind words of support - i have been through this before, but it has been 10 years since I suffered a break up so I guess I thought I was done with these feelings. I had forgotten just how horrible it feels, plus I am living alone for the first time in 46 years and it is just so lonely sitting here without a job to go to or friends to see and yes I do have my 3 children, but they are out living their own lives now, so i don't see them more than once or twice a month or talk here and there.
 
Z

Zoe1

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 8, 2019
Messages
7,024
Location
Nowhere
you have us to chat with Wonder Woman

:hug5: ✨
 
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wonderwoman18

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 12, 2019
Messages
84
Location
Ottawa
Thanks Zoe - yes it does help to talk to people who truly understand.
 
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