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I feel like my ex blames everything on me and my BPD. How do I move from this past relationship?

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sadcrab

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Jan 9, 2022
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English isn't my native language, so I'm sorry for any errors.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder.

My ex and I mutually agreed to break up after lots of my mental breakdowns and meltdowns. I went no contact for almost two weeks after I learned that he had lied to me. He was trying to contact me, but he was blocked. I unblocked him yesterday and got all of his messages in which he admitted that he had lied to me about various things, but he didn't mention anything concrete.

So today I asked him what did he lie to me about and all he did was twist everything round. "after this much time of no contact, it's all you have to say?" and he didn't answer my question, of course. We talked a bit about other things, idk why, but it felt good for a while. I told him that we should get back to no contact since we were both toxic towards each other during the relationship and he agreed to that.

I know I shouldn't check his accounts, but I did and I saw his post online, where he talked to other people about our interaction. They all agreed that I tried to manipulate him and check if he was still available and waiting for me. This hurt a lot, because that wasn't my intention. It felt like a slap in the face.

When things go wrong, he always blames it on me and my BPD. He doesn't acknowledge his own mistakes or his own toxic behaviours - he lied about going to therapy and lied about suicide attempts, constantly told me that he couldn't be honest with me because I would make things harder. He never let me leave the conversation so I would calm down and understand my feelings better and when I was forced to stay, I just burst out with anger at him, which I know is wrong. He also was angry at me when I talked to other people and he checked my phone when I left it in a room with him. He always told me that I was the only problem in the relationship and that I wanted too much from him. He regularly called me lunatic or psycho because of my mental health problems. He wasn't that supportive at all. There were more, but my brain makes me forget things that hurt a lot. He never admitted that doing these things was wrong or anything. It was always my fault because I was the only one overreacting.

So... How do I deal with this? How do I move from this? What do I do next? I know I won't stay no contact because after a few days my anger goes away and I think about all the good moments together and then I start to miss him, even though I know that he had toxic behaviours too. I wish things were different and that we could get back together.
 
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Selfhealing

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176
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So... How do I deal with this? How do I move from this? What do I do next? I know I won't stay no contact because after a few days my anger goes away and I think about all the good moments together and then I start to miss him, even though I know that he had toxic behaviours too. I wish things were different and that we could get back together.

Hello from a fellow borderline who has just broken up with someone.
Good riddance to him.
I understand you might not feel that right now, as it is too soon after the breakup.
It's too soon after my breakup also to think that "Good riddance" is the answer, but the cold hard facts are that it is, and if we manage to process our grief, mourn and when intrusive thoughts of our exes encroach on us, we acknowledge them and let them go.
Eventually the energetic charge of these emotions related to these people will weaken and fade.

The good moments were not really good, I am sorry to say, good people do not mistreat others.
We feel lust, we tell ourselves we are loved when they are acting affectionately, but there is the ulterior motives on their part for that. It is false love.

Do we really want to spend waste our time with people who mistreat us?
When viewed like that, the obvious answer is "no"
Let us both process the grief, talk to trusted friends, online and off (you can talk to me by pm if you want) and heal, to make way, in the future, when our intuition says we are ready for another relationship with a respectful man, this may take time and we need to learn how to be happy with ourselves, a useful lesson, in the meantime.
 
Until

Until

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@sadcrab Well he is clearly a liar, manipulative to you, disrespectful by posting about your interaction, not answering your question and twisting it around onto you. Sounds like he is gaslighting and kind of emotionally abusive and really bad for your well being. BPD need someone who is honest, loyal, caring, understanding and consistent in all of those.
 
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tiltawhirl3

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Oct 30, 2010
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I had to come online and count my days of "sobriety" where I was accountable for maintaining that no contact that was so needed for my sanity and health.
 
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sadcrab

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@Until Thank you, I really needed to read that from someone else
 
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