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I feel like I've ruined my life

J

Jjj

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Canada
My husband and I were having some relationship issues and I decided that having an open relationship may help spice things up. Well one of the men became everything to me. I lied to my husband and cheated on him and this new guy who we will call Dave made me think he would give me the perfect life. He was married as well and was in a rocky relationship too. We decided that we would start a new life together. I gave up my job, my house, all my possessions, one of ky dogs, my friends. Everything. Turns out Dave hadn't fully left his wife and was still going back to her to work things out and was sleeping with her still. I also caught him talking to other women. I had enough and ended it. I went back to my ex's for a few days and we spent some time together but it was tense. I went back to my new house and Dave promised he would end things with the ex and not talk to her and I would have full control over any interaction between them. Since then there has been constant lack of communication, making me feel like I'm crazy for showing any emotion, every time we fight he says he is done and is breaking up with me to the point he has packed all his stuff and left several times. He pushes me to the point of being out of control and I feel like self harming when I get like that and have lashed out at him physically too. He keeps promising he will be better after we fight and then things go back to the same. Fights over nothing, not being able to express anything with out it being told my anxiety is out of control and I will never trust him so he should just leave. I have been trying to reconcile with my ex. He wants none of it. I have begged I have asked to go to counselling I have done everything I can to get him to take me back. I feel like even though we had our issues and maybe I wasn't totally happy I wasn't feeling like self harming and like I was totally out of control. I feel like i have totally ruined my life and I feel like i can't do this anymore but I don't know how to make it better. I guess I just need some space to vent and people to talk to because I don't really have anyone. Sorry for the long winded post.
 
J

Jjj

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Oh and on top of that I have been off work for 11 weeks with a non healing broken leg and then caught a virus that caused a whole host of other issues on top of chronic pain from another condition. My health has taken blow after blow this year. I do take effexor and I am thinking about upping it but it took me forever to wean down to the dose I'm on now.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,203
Location
Nashua NH
Welcome to the forums. I’m so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in at the moment. You took a chance in love and a better life based on what you knew to be true at one point. It didn’t work out but where is the fault in wanting your life to be better? Are you financially dependent on this new partner or could you get your own job again to sustain yourself? Are you able to
move out and get your own place or do you have to be in a situation where you are sharing expenses with others? Your husband is probably just very hurt and distrustful of the situation and who can blame him? Maybe he will soften some towards
you with time...:hug:
 
P

Princess Zelda

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Do you have family you can talk to and stay with? Anyone who will support you in this time? I'm sorry about all of this.
 
Antimatter

Antimatter

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Joined
Apr 19, 2020
Messages
714
Location
UK
An open relationship is one thing, hobbling off with someone else seems like a breach of trust and self-control. I hope it works out for you. Your friend Dave has more problems than you... stay well clear!
 
J

Jjj

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Canada
An open relationship is one thing, hobbling off with someone else seems like a breach of trust and self-control. I hope it works out for you. Your friend Dave has more problems than you... stay well clear!
Yes it was a horrible decision and I was being lied to and coerced and being convinced that my husband was the worst person in the world. I look back now and wish I hadn't been so naive and trusting. I messed up hard and I cant fix it now.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Feb 27, 2020
Messages
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Location
Nashua NH
Be glad that you didn’t marry him it could have turned out far worse...
 
J

Jjj

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Do you have family you can talk to and stay with? Anyone who will support you in this time? I'm sorry about all of this.
I live 15 hours away from my family. I literally have no friends where I live and can't even get the social interaction I used to because I'm off work on medical leave. I do talk to my friend about some of this but honestly it's embarrassing that I cry to her and then stay in this situation but I honestly don't know how to change it. I'm financially stuck on top of having literally no one to turn to to stay with locally and Im stuck in a lease so I cant just up and move. And then there's the fact that I always believe that he will be better and have seen some positive changes and so it keeps me here because I always give him the benefit of the doubt.
 
J

Jjj

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Be glad that you didn’t marry him it could have turned out far worse...
After one time that he ran back to his ex and I said I was done he came to me and proposed and I turned him down thankfully.
 
J

Jjj

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Canada
Welcome to the forums. I’m so sorry to hear about the difficult situation you are in at the moment. You took a chance in love and a better life based on what you knew to be true at one point. It didn’t work out but where is the fault in wanting your life to be better? Are you financially dependent on this new partner or could you get your own job again to sustain yourself? Are you able to
move out and get your own place or do you have to be in a situation where you are sharing expenses with others? Your husband is probably just very hurt and distrustful of the situation and who can blame him? Maybe he will soften some towards
you with time...:hug:
Thank you for your words. My husband is in a new relationship and he tells me everytime I ask that he will never go back to me. I keep holding out hope but it seems like it won't happen. I am meeting with him face to face on Friday to talk. But I don't see it being the outcome I want. I am currently financially dependant due to my injury. I was expecting to be back at work over a month ago but healing has been very slow.
 
P

Princess Zelda

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I live 15 hours away from my family. I literally have no friends where I live and can't even get the social interaction I used to because I'm off work on medical leave. I do talk to my friend about some of this but honestly it's embarrassing that I cry to her and then stay in this situation but I honestly don't know how to change it. I'm financially stuck on top of having literally no one to turn to to stay with locally and Im stuck in a lease so I cant just up and move. And then there's the fact that I always believe that he will be better and have seen some positive changes and so it keeps me here because I always give him the benefit of the doubt.
Yeah you need to get a way out of this. This man isn't someone I think you should trust. I know you must feel bad about it all already, but just know that this problem can't go on forever. I always believe good things will come. Even if it takes a long time.
Are you family supportive people? If they are, I believe they might be able to help you out if you told them the whole situation. I know they live far away, but maybe they could still get you out of this. Good luck with everything. :hug1:
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,203
Location
Nashua NH
I live 15 hours away from my family. I literally have no friends where I live and can't even get the social interaction I used to because I'm off work on medical leave. I do talk to my friend about some of this but honestly it's embarrassing that I cry to her and then stay in this situation but I honestly don't know how to change it. I'm financially stuck on top of having literally no one to turn to to stay with locally and Im stuck in a lease so I cant just up and move. And then there's the fact that I always believe that he will be better and have seen some positive changes and so it keeps me here because I always give him the benefit of the doubt.
He sounds like a manipulator and a player. If he would dance between you and his ex who else might he be dancing with? I understand you wanting things to be copacetic in working things out but don’t place all of your trust in him. Be faithful to yourself and your own interests. Is he also in a situation where he is stuck in the lease and financially dependent on the situation or could he leave if he wanted to?
 
J

Jjj

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2020
Messages
7
Location
Canada
He sounds like a manipulator and a player. If he would dance between you and his ex who else might he be dancing with? I understand you wanting things to be copacetic in working things out but don’t place all of your trust in him. Be faithful to yourself and your own interests. Is he also in a situation where he is stuck in the lease and financially dependent on the situation or could he leave if he wanted to?
He is financially stable and could move back to his exes while she is away for a few months while he figures out his next move. He has done that a few times. And then I beg him to come back. I know i shouldn't but I do. I honestly feel pathetic.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

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Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
3,203
Location
Nashua NH
He is financially stable and could move back to his exes while she is away for a few months while he figures out his next move. He has done that a few times. And then I beg him to come back. I know i shouldn't but I do. I honestly feel pathetic.
I have been in a very similar situation.
I stayed because he was super attractive and the sex was great. Also because I was lonely. It was a big mistake. He was a jerk who made me feel insecure and lonely. We are all entitled to bend to our own weaknesses. I hope that you find support among the friendly folks in the forum here...
 
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