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I feel like it's getting worse

whiteflags330

whiteflags330

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 27, 2019
Messages
154
Location
Pennsylvania
My PTSD is a long story that I don't feel like getting super in depth with right now.
I've been having severe flashbacks to the point of self harm and self esteem issues. I hate myself and everything is my fault. I screw up everything.
My ex was very abusive. He would say things like I'm useless or that he's only dating me because no one else will. And you know what? I full heartily believe that. He said it so many times that it's actually drilled in my brain.
I am dating someone else now but I bet he feels the same way.
I just want the pain and suffering to end. I need help. The medicine kind of works, the therapy helps but not when I can only see them once a month, the grounding techniques work to an extent. I'm just so lost right now.
 
Ghost_Owl

Ghost_Owl

Well-known member
Joined
May 13, 2017
Messages
624
Location
U.K
I hate myself and everything is my fault. I screw up everything.
Apologies if this is blunt. As humans, we are no different from animals. It means with pain and rewards you can be trained to do whatever your pretend master wants. Abusers are good at exploiting this. Do this long enough and the abused will internalise this programming as it becomes fully ingrained. At a certain point you will start to lose sight of their cruelty and control and shift to believing you are at fault. It seems like that is what has happened. The only way to counter this internal pretend master is to recognise it and challenge what it is saying to you every time odious remnants of it resurface.

My stepfather used to always tell me I was a useless waste of life and if I was going to kill myself I should do it in the toilet where human waste belongs. (Lovely fellow...) He got inside my head so much that even when I was away from him I tried to strive for this state of perfection trying to prove I wasn't a waste of life and invariably burned out. In life that meant I could be doing really well, pass something at 97% ratio and still be stuck on the 3% I missed, like I still needed his recognition to be good enough and so nothing was ever satisfying and I never was good enough.

But to beat this evil you have to wage war with whatever shackles it has created. The first step of that is noticing those shackles. I can see one of them in this thread right now. The I am useless shackle, and it is all my fault.

Let us bust this one apart a bit though. So if you are at fault for everything, are you the one who beat the snot out of me or was that my step fathers fault? Where you the one to steal my belongings when homeless? Or was that someone else's fault? Is all the suffering on this forum your fault? Do you see how you can't be at fault for everything? Just recognising that is a start to unlocking this shackle and recognising the handiwork of your abuser. They need you to blame yourself, that is their design and method for exerting control. Don't let him control you from afar.

Lets look at another one.

He would say things like I'm useless or that he's only dating me because no one else will. And you know what? I full heartily believe that. He said it so many times that it's actually drilled in my brain.
You can't be that useless. I mean you have some nice posts to others from the looks of it. You have five followers and followers generally don't follow useless people. That is me just going off what I see. I don't know what else is in your life. But maybe you should look at it and see what else is there that does not view you as useless. You have worth despite scumbags telling you, you don't.

What your abuser had to say is already demonstrated as false as some one is dating you right now. What that shows is your abuser is a liar and a wannabe psychic predicting your future for you. You should only be convinced of his psychic skills when he has won the lottery for you. He has already failed. Yes he may have drilled his stupid predictions in you. But you have to drill back and you do that by assuming everything he has ever said is a lie and then try and prove it even if you don't believe it currently or have doubt. Just the effort of trying is how you un program yourself. Put your thoughts on trial and look out for what comes from your abuser and not the authentic you. Unless you did steal my shoes?

I have no idea what kind of therapy you are doing. But I stopped being a perfectionist with the help of mine. When that shackle was broken I did a lot better. Made friends and they reminded me of the value I do have. She taught me to put his words on trial and rip them apart as if I am a prosecutor trying to put abusive scum in prison by showing what a liar they are. Its been hard and I have to do it constantly when they resurface or something sets me off. I hope you can find a therapist that can teach you how to be a better prosecutor of the abuser in your mind.

Your turn to be a prosecutor. Whats something else he has said you can prove to be false? You have more value and probably more strength than you think. Its just abusers make you blind to that. I hope you can take your power back.

Take care.
 
sad_heart20

sad_heart20

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 20, 2020
Messages
296
Location
USA
sorry about your failed relationship
your ptsd could be something for you to address
doing your life with other person requires compromising
 
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