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I feel like I'm two different people

C

cryingissilent

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Jan 17, 2015
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I know that I have had dissociation happen to me when my stress level is beyond what I can handle.

If it gets too that point...ok I hope this makes sense.

If I dissociate for only a little bit of time from too much stress it'll be like I am physically there but not mentally. Yet if it lasts too long this happens.

I feel like I'm two different people. I'm me a 22 year old adult but yet there's also this little girl who has come out when my stress is past what is normal even for me.

She is part of me but it's like she's separate. Like she is different. I like things I'm fermilar with that are childish [like cartoons like Rugrats and looney tunes] but she is different. I don't have to have things from Rugrats or Looney tunes though. She is different. Like she has this favorite doll,baby Dil from the first Rugrats movie, she just absolutely just had to have. It was ordered online. I knew it was being ordered but I felt like I had no control to stop it. It's like I was there but just watching and couldn't do anything. It's like I was watching a movie [not sure if that's the best way to put it] but couldn't control what went on.

When the stress goes away it's like she hides. But when the stress is too much it's like I can still see what is going on yet at the same time it's like I hide instead of her.

She's the little girl but I don't think she likes being called that.

I got a flashback of a certain person saying those words...don't know if the bad man ever hurt her or not. It's weird. I know it's me being called those words yet it's like it's the child I mentioned being called it. It's like I'm two different people yet she is seperate from me.

How can I know more about her? Before I thought I might have just imagined it but now I'm certain that I'm two different people. It's quite odd and I need advice.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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When my PTSD first surfaced I experienced something similar. Only for me it was my childhood self reemerging with trauma memories. I listened to her, embraced her, guaranteed her safety, let her scream, shout, cry, all the things she couldn't do for herself when I was a child, this went on silently within myself for several months while my childhood memories connected and reemerged all the suppressed emotional memories and body memories I had held in for over twenty years.

I knew it was me, but I imagined myself her caring and nurturing mother setting her free from a life of pain torment and fear.

I don't know if it was a true dissociation or not, at the time it was very scary and I had never heard of childhood SA related PTSD.

In my case it did pass as I regained full recall of my childhood. Although I still suffer with different ongoing symptoms 25years after it surfaced.
 
C

cryingissilent

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Jan 17, 2015
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Thank you for your post. That has encouraged me to let her do what she needs to do. If she wants to play with a doll than fine,let her. If she wants to draw the Rugrats without trying to do it perfectly that's ok. If she wants to color outside the lines that's ok too. In time she'll need to realse the pain and cry and do whatever she needs to do to heal. It really helps me. And I know it's going to help her. Thank you.

I have to take care of her because she didn't have that care when she needed it. I'm not sure what she is trying to hide from me but I need to be patient. I don't want to cause her anymore trauma.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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small town Ontario, Canada
For my inner child I imagined her being locked away in a cold, dark, place in my subconscious for all those years, left forgotten alone and crying for help she never received. I cryed for her, I grieved for her, got angry on her behalf, then I imagined letting her out of that cold dark dungeon and placing her with glowing light and warm and protected beside my heart. Yes I let her do all the things she wanted to do. Say all the things she wanted to say, have answers to all the questions she had but never understood. But it was completely an internal exchange I could mentally visualize her and feel all of what she experienced and went through could hear what she wanted to convey.
I wanted her to feel strong, to feel brave, loved, respected, and valued.
It really helped to release a lot of locked in memories and to get through them. Hope you have as much success as I did. Lots of patience.

Do you have a therapist to help you with what your going through, to help you understand? It can all feel quite fragmented when it happens, very disconcerting and disorienting with intrusive bits of flashbacks unexpected invading your daily living. Like a jigsaw puzzle with all the peices there but just scattered and needing to be put back together in order to see the whole picture.
 
C

cryingissilent

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I don't have a therapist to go to.
 
C

cryingissilent

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That's where the problem comes in. Than I have to open up to my parents. I've hidden so much from them. I have trouble expressing fear and pain. I don't know where to start because I've always hidden things from them.

I am getting a flashback of it going as far back as three years old. I hid fear even as far back as three. I don't know where or how to start. I've never been diagnosed but know I have autism.

The next problem is they'd have to pay for it and there's no way they'd be able to have that kind of money.
 
Gajolene

Gajolene

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Do you live in the states, is that why you have to pay for it? Are you still in school? sorry just trying to understand your situation a little better.
 
C

cryingissilent

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States? I'm in America. I don't think I'm allowed to say which state. Just afraid to break some kind of forum rules. Hope I didn't break any rules by saying my age at the beginning of this discussion. I would edit it but after like 30 minutes you can't edit it anymore.

I got a flashback of why I'm afraid to break rules. Teachers really scared me at school. I was terrified to break any rules.

I graduated high school but couldn't deal with college.

I want to help the little girl. I know she doesn't like being called that but I don't know what else to call her. I don't want to put her through any more trauma though.

I really want to help her. I am afraid to ask for help from my family because I'm afraid of worse results. I already know what happened last month with my one relative. And he just judged by the house I live in. I don't know how to help her like she needs. I mean letting her doing what she needs to do is a good start. It's just I know she's traumitzed. I have to take care of her and deal with trying to deal with the fear of bring judged by my family.

I know the risks. If I get judged/condemned by my family I'm at risk for self harm. I have current coping methods. But if I step out of my "safety zone" and risk getting help when I thought before there was a risk and my worst fears come true...well I'll need more than those coping methods. Honestly my brain,I don't know how much stress it can take. I've already been driven to the point most memories are gone [mostly all I get is flashbacks]. But if they condemn me worse than my uncle did than I know way too much cortisol will be released. Cortisol gets released in the brain when too much stress over too long happens. That causes memory loss and brain damage.

I don't want to self harm. But I fear I'll resort to that if my family will be judgemental.

I mean if I'll be thought of as trashy for the house I'm in than this will be judged much worse. I'm impulsive. I do and say things without thinking too much about it. My mood swings can change very suddenly. I don't let people see my mood swings change so my parents would be surprised [that and I spend most of my time in my room]. I've had a lot of practice at hiding how I really feel because I've always masked my feelings since I have trouble expressing fear and pain. Than there's depression,anxiety,panic attacks and what seems like PTSD.

I don't want to put my parents under the kind of stress knowing I have all these problems. They couldn't handle it. The only solution I can really think of right now is to keep doing what I'm doing. I have to protect my parents from that kind of stress. I can help the child I've mentioned by letting her do what she needs to do.

I might as well admit it. I got a flashback of being in like Kindergarden age. A friend and I were at a store. She wanted Blues Clues but I could of cared less about it. We were allowed to get a toy. I let her get it. I thought her wants were more important than my own. What does that have to do with anything? I get this gut feeling I've been doing it ever since I was a child. Except now it's more than just a toy. It's like I've always seen other peoples' wants/needs more important than my own. And this is why it's relavent. My parents' need for not being overly stressed is more important than my own needs.

I just wish I knew what I'm going through what it is called. I know I've heard of DID but I don't know if that's what is wrong.
 
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C

cryingissilent

Member
Joined
Jan 17, 2015
Messages
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Friend,I thank you for trying to help me but I fear too greatly I'm going to get into trouble on here. I can't handle getting into trouble on another forum [whether in life or online it's always pretty much just a matter of time until I get into trouble. Trouble follows me. I've lived through this for a very long time.] I don't think I'll post again. I thank you for being there and trying to help. I just can't risk getting into more trouble. I'm sorry. My anxiety over this is so bad I feel like I'm getting panic attacks. It's best this is my last post. I really apprciate knowing you tried to help though.
 
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