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I feel like I'm never going to be able to have any kind of relationship again...

C

coffeeno15

New member
Joined
Nov 13, 2016
Messages
1
I feel like I'm never going to be able to have any kind of relationship again...

I know this is long but please be patient with it. I've tried to summarize something that I'm almost certain I could write a whole book about.

It seems that I'm unable to actually live happily for more than a few days at a time at the moment. I'm currently taking antidepressants which I have been taking for a couple of years and most things have improved. I am able to function almost normally in my day to day life which mostly involves work, gym and seeing friends and family. I have my own online business which I run from my home which has become very successful in the past year. I feel that my career/financial future is very much secure and I have the potential and ambition to take my business much much further. I've never had a problem getting what I want in regards to business, money, material items etc.

My problem recently is that I am wanting to actually date again. It's been 4 or 5 months since I was last involved with a girl on any level (this includes just having conversations) and over 3 years since my last (first and only) actual relationship. I'm 24 years old, 6ft tall and somewhere between average and muscular build. I've been told that I'm a nice person and I've been told that I'm good looking/attractive. However I find myself unable to believe it when people tell it to me and end up telling myself that they are lying or they are saying it because they are drunk or that they're just plain stupid. I don't hate the way I look but I don't like it either and I find it impossible that any girl could find anything attractive about it. For this reason even when I see a girl I like and would like to talk to I won't do it. I will just tell myself that I'm not good enough, that she wouldn't like me anyway or that she probably has a boyfriend. I will never speak to girls in clubs or bars because there will be other guys there and I have the thought "why would anyone want me when there are other better choices?". I just don't feel like I can compete in the world of relationships. I believe that all girls want 'perfect' guys and because of this I never put myself out there as I feel like I would just get rejected and this rejection would just go towards confirming all the negative perceptions that I have about myself. I also feel that by letting a girl know I like her I put myself entirely at her mercy and she will just crush me for the fun of it, almost as if I'm not even human.

I don't believe that I'm able/entitled to get what I want in a partner and that if by some miracle I do manage to get into a relationship I will end up 'settling' even if it isn't right for me just because I would be terrified that I would never be able to find someone else. This is the way that my only relationship went and I ended up getting hurt because I tried to hold on for too long even when it clearly wasn't going to work. Since then I've only really had three or four drunk encounters, some of which have extended past the first night/meeting for a little while. So far in my entire life I've not managed to score a date or any kind of meeting with a girl while sober. Every single time I have been drunk the first time we met.

This problem is now spilling over into my everyday life as every time I even see an attractive girl around I get intense feelings of resentment toward them and myself, almost as if their existence is some kind of personal taunt to me - "look what you'll never be able to have" and also a feeling of hopelessness because of this. After this everything just starts to spiral out of control and every little mistake I make just sends me into some kind of rage. I struggle for motivation to eat, work, socialize or do anything really. I know that what I ultimately want for my life is to end up with a long term girlfriend/wife and when I think that this isn't possible I begin to feel that I don't actually want to live my 'perfect on paper' life anymore. I just want to know why I am having these negative thoughts about myself. Why I feel the constant need to tell myself that I am going to fail without even trying and why I'm so scared of rejection that I feel it necessary to completely remove myself from what is a very important part of life. I want to know what I'm actually dealing with so that I can get the correct help as I'm tired of bouncing between therapists, not really understanding my problem enough to make them understand it.

Sorry for the incredibly long post. I'm frustrated, I want change and I really didn't know what else to do!
 
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IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Former member
Sorry you feel that way. I know how you feel. I am lonely and want a man so bad it hurts. You sound depressed. Why not just ask a woman out you find attractive and see where it goes from there. Good luck. :hug:
 
Nikita

Nikita

Former member
Joined
Jun 20, 2015
Messages
4,860
:welcome:coffeeno15,

I am sorry you have such a low sense of self worth. But self esteem is something you can work on and improve. Believe me whatever you think is wrong with you or that you are lacking you are fine just as you are and worth loving and knowing. You just have to see that and truly believe it.

The women you see out and about and thinking you can never have them, well you can have them and I am sure anyone of them would give you a chance to show what a lovely decent man you are and that you would make a wonderful partner.

Honestly you have to stop putting yourself down and rejecting yourself and thinking that you have no value because you do have value lots of it.
A book that might help cos it helped me with self esteem and to stop negative thinking is The Anxiety And Phobia Workbook by Edmound Bourne.
 

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