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I feel like I'm going to loose everything

T

treehugger2901

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Lowestoft
Hi guys,

So i'm not very good at explaining things but I'm going to try and give it a go! I'm going through a bit of a catch 22 at the moment where i'm feeling like i'm stuck in the same cycle and cant break through it, however i am sure that my condition is deteriorating.

I suffer with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD (Previous trauma I am not yet comfortable to disclose/discuss on here, sorry guys xxx).
Age: 24
Living with parent.
My current medications: Venlafaxine 225mg (slow release caps), Propanalol 40mg 3x daily, and 2mg Diazepam

I have a difficult relationship with my GP, due to the fact that I often find excuses not to attend appointments, when I do attend appointments I struggle to relay my struggles with accuracy, making things almost seem better than they are, therefore often i do not receive perhaps the adequate or appropriate care. Although I am aware and wanting the help its like verbal diarrhoea and I cannot stop trying to mask up the way I am feeling.

In the past I have suffered with PTSD, depression, self harm, anxiety, self doubt and consciousness, feeling of worthlessness and I would try and deal with these feelings with unhealthy comping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs and sex. I would have not classed myself as an addict, more of a party goer. I would get intoxicated to the point of not knowing who i was talking to, or taking home to mask up my feelings of self hatred. (For example, I knew I wouldn't be able to socialise without the assistance of alcohol or drugs to boost my confidence at parties, and my self confidence would be so low that I would sleep with any man who offered me attention, sometimes without even knowing his name, putting me in potentially dangerous situations, and some of them were!) I never really got any proper help because I am so unable to talk!!! I panic, shut myself away for a few more months, let it get really bad, and repeat.

Following on from this I managed to land myself in a relationship with a manipulative and abusive man who knew of my mental health issues, and used them as a weapon against me, USE MY TRIGGERS INTENTIONALLY AGAINST ME, he would physically hurt me simply because I had slept with men prior to me even knowing he existed, let alone we were together. He would 'slut shame' me for my past, lock me away from my friends/family. Constantly harass or text me if we were not together. He would target my looks, knowing I was self conscious saying that I have to loose weight because I'm too fat. Saying that no other man would ever love me because I am disgusting, they'd only go for me if they were desperate, there for i would be stupid to leave him. He made me believe that I really was LUCKY to have him in my life. Id get beaten up for his debts. Kicked out of our home constantly. Made to feel like nothing. It was a constant cycle of physical, and mental abuse. I tried to take an overdose on pills, and landed in A&E to escape him, he made me discharge myself after getting the OK on my physical health before I could see any Mental Health nurse prior. I made a decision to abort our child due to fear of him, which he then used against me continuously throughout the relationship blaming me for 'murdering his child'. Proper getting into my head. I am thankfully now out of that relationship thanks to an amazing friend who sadly had to witness him abusing me and stepped in. However, now there is a problem... I am back to square one.

I don't recall a time in my life where I have felt so low, often tearful, feeling helpless. I've recently cried over burnt toast!! I cant help but feel as though nothing I am doing is good enough for anybody. Not only has the depression taken a real grip on me again, I have found myself becoming self destructive again, often I hurt myself when I am experiencing a bad episode, and there is nothing I can do to stop, as much as I want to, I can't and if someone tries to stop me from harming myself, I become very very very frustrated. - And out of no where this overwhelming urge of anger and aggression, and I think its frustration at how I'm feeling. I am not doing so well at work right now, and I know I am letting my family and my mum down. My mum is very old school and isn't very educated on Mental Health and doesn't know how to deal with/approach the subject. My Mum is registered disabled therefore cannot work, and relies on social benefits, so I know the idea of me messing my job up and not working due to my health is a scary job for both her and I. I am currently off sick from work, due to the shear fear of going! I experience nightmares, isomnia, I feel sick to my stomach, with actually being sick on occasions, I become lightheaded, I begin to feel my heart racing, my chest tightens, I can't breath, and there it is, the panic attack. Becoming more and more frequent, often occurring during work or prior to my shift. When I do manage to make it into work, I am constantly over sweating (in an air conditioned unit may which is in no way over warm) and I know that this is due to my anxiety as it only happens when I'm in a social situation or at work (I work in a clinical patient facing role) and I can feel the panic deep in my chest and that feeling of 'I know something bad is going to happen'. Through my sickness period of work due to the fear if letting my family down I have lied to my Mum saying my shifts have been cancelled due to equipment faults, which I know deep down is a bad thing, making me feel guilt all over the Christmas period where I have now become withdrawn and unwilling to socialise with anybody.

I feel like the life I have created for myself isn't for me and I want out, I would not say I was suicidal, I don't want to die, but I do not want the life that I seem to have. I almost just want to disappear and start again. Leave without a trace, new town, new people, new start. But of course, my anxiety would never allow that to happen. I am not happy. I feel so trapped in this life.

I am due to be back at work on Monday and I don't think I can do it. But I am running out of excuses for my family, and I know I'm letting the team down at work, I am not sure how much more of this they are willing to tolerate either.

Our local NHS offers something called a 'Wellbeing Service' which is a self referred mental health service where you have to call them to arrange an appointment to see somebody for generalised mental health issues however the wait is for months and often will take you down the route of Group Therapy sessions I have been told, which is something I know I AM NOT COMFORTABLE doing in any way shape or form, my GP does not seem to listen to me when I say that I KNOW when I leave that consultation room there is no way I will be able to call that number to try and get some help, I physically cannot do it, there is something stopping me and I don't know what it is, other than that my GP will offer me little help. I have not visited my GP since before I tried to overdose on tablets, and I am scared to do so. I know that I am going to loose everything if I continue. I feel like I am beginning a very destructive path again.

I am scared for my future, I do not know how to get people to understand how I am feeling or what help is available.

Are the medications I'm taking even appropriate for me?

I know I have past trauma to deal with, how can I do this? I cannot afford private counselling, surely this self referral scheme isn't all thats available for us on the NHS? I feel perhaps that this relationship with this man has resurfaced a lot.

I hope this isn't rambling and makes some sort of sense..

Anyone with any advise or similar experiences I would greatly appreciate your input. xxxxx
 
Shiroki

Shiroki

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Dec 24, 2019
Messages
304
Location
United States
Hi guys,

So i'm not very good at explaining things but I'm going to try and give it a go! I'm going through a bit of a catch 22 at the moment where i'm feeling like i'm stuck in the same cycle and cant break through it, however i am sure that my condition is deteriorating.

I suffer with Anxiety, Depression and PTSD (Previous trauma I am not yet comfortable to disclose/discuss on here, sorry guys xxx).
Age: 24
Living with parent.
My current medications: Venlafaxine 225mg (slow release caps), Propanalol 40mg 3x daily, and 2mg Diazepam

I have a difficult relationship with my GP, due to the fact that I often find excuses not to attend appointments, when I do attend appointments I struggle to relay my struggles with accuracy, making things almost seem better than they are, therefore often i do not receive perhaps the adequate or appropriate care. Although I am aware and wanting the help its like verbal diarrhoea and I cannot stop trying to mask up the way I am feeling.

In the past I have suffered with PTSD, depression, self harm, anxiety, self doubt and consciousness, feeling of worthlessness and I would try and deal with these feelings with unhealthy comping mechanisms such as alcohol, drugs and sex. I would have not classed myself as an addict, more of a party goer. I would get intoxicated to the point of not knowing who i was talking to, or taking home to mask up my feelings of self hatred. (For example, I knew I wouldn't be able to socialise without the assistance of alcohol or drugs to boost my confidence at parties, and my self confidence would be so low that I would sleep with any man who offered me attention, sometimes without even knowing his name, putting me in potentially dangerous situations, and some of them were!) I never really got any proper help because I am so unable to talk!!! I panic, shut myself away for a few more months, let it get really bad, and repeat.

Following on from this I managed to land myself in a relationship with a manipulative and abusive man who knew of my mental health issues, and used them as a weapon against me, USE MY TRIGGERS INTENTIONALLY AGAINST ME, he would physically hurt me simply because I had slept with men prior to me even knowing he existed, let alone we were together. He would 'slut shame' me for my past, lock me away from my friends/family. Constantly harass or text me if we were not together. He would target my looks, knowing I was self conscious saying that I have to loose weight because I'm too fat. Saying that no other man would ever love me because I am disgusting, they'd only go for me if they were desperate, there for i would be stupid to leave him. He made me believe that I really was LUCKY to have him in my life. Id get beaten up for his debts. Kicked out of our home constantly. Made to feel like nothing. It was a constant cycle of physical, and mental abuse. I tried to take an overdose on pills, and landed in A&E to escape him, he made me discharge myself after getting the OK on my physical health before I could see any Mental Health nurse prior. I made a decision to abort our child due to fear of him, which he then used against me continuously throughout the relationship blaming me for 'murdering his child'. Proper getting into my head. I am thankfully now out of that relationship thanks to an amazing friend who sadly had to witness him abusing me and stepped in. However, now there is a problem... I am back to square one.

I don't recall a time in my life where I have felt so low, often tearful, feeling helpless. I've recently cried over burnt toast!! I cant help but feel as though nothing I am doing is good enough for anybody. Not only has the depression taken a real grip on me again, I have found myself becoming self destructive again, often picking at my hands and legs making them bleed, leaving horrendous scars, I will often scratch relentlessly at my arms or chest when I am experiencing a bad episode, to the point where they are bleeding, and I will try and pull my hair out and there is nothing I can do to stop, as much as I want to, I can't and if someone tries to stop me from harming myself, I become very very very frustrated. - And out of no where this overwhelming urge of anger and aggression, and I think its frustration at how I'm feeling. I am not doing so well at work right now, and I know I am letting my family and my mum down. My mum is very old school and isn't very educated on Mental Health and doesn't know how to deal with/approach the subject. My Mum is registered disabled therefore cannot work, and relies on social benefits, so I know the idea of me messing my job up and not working due to my health is a scary job for both her and I. I am currently off sick from work, due to the shear fear of going! I experience nightmares, isomnia, I feel sick to my stomach, with actually being sick on occasions, I become lightheaded, I begin to feel my heart racing, my chest tightens, I can't breath, and there it is, the panic attack. Becoming more and more frequent, often occurring during work or prior to my shift. When I do manage to make it into work, I am constantly over sweating (in an air conditioned unit may which is in no way over warm) and I know that this is due to my anxiety as it only happens when I'm in a social situation or at work (I work in a clinical patient facing role) and I can feel the panic deep in my chest and that feeling of 'I know something bad is going to happen'. Through my sickness period of work due to the fear if letting my family down I have lied to my Mum saying my shifts have been cancelled due to equipment faults, which I know deep down is a bad thing, making me feel guilt all over the Christmas period where I have now become withdrawn and unwilling to socialise with anybody.

I feel like the life I have created for myself isn't for me and I want out, I would not say I was suicidal, I don't want to die, but I do not want the life that I seem to have. I almost just want to disappear and start again. Leave without a trace, new town, new people, new start. But of course, my anxiety would never allow that to happen. I am not happy. I feel so trapped in this life.

I am due to be back at work on Monday and I don't think I can do it. But I am running out of excuses for my family, and I know I'm letting the team down at work, I am not sure how much more of this they are willing to tolerate either.

Our local NHS offers something called a 'Wellbeing Service' which is a self referred mental health service where you have to call them to arrange an appointment to see somebody for generalised mental health issues however the wait is for months and often will take you down the route of Group Therapy sessions I have been told, which is something I know I AM NOT COMFORTABLE doing in any way shape or form, my GP does not seem to listen to me when I say that I KNOW when I leave that consultation room there is no way I will be able to call that number to try and get some help, I physically cannot do it, there is something stopping me and I don't know what it is, other than that my GP will offer me little help. I have not visited my GP since before I tried to overdose on tablets, and I am scared to do so. I know that I am going to loose everything if I continue. I feel like I am beginning a very destructive path again.

I am scared for my future, I do not know how to get people to understand how I am feeling or what help is available.

Are the medications I'm taking even appropriate for me?

I know I have past trauma to deal with, how can I do this? I cannot afford private counselling, surely this self referral scheme isn't all thats available for us on the NHS? I feel perhaps that this relationship with this man has resurfaced a lot.

I hope this isn't rambling and makes some sort of sense..

Anyone with any advise or similar experiences I would greatly appreciate your input. xxxxx
First and foremost, you are not worthless, your life has tremendous value and you deserve to be happy. I am truly sorry for what you experienced at the hands of that man, and I know that such men are not even uncommon. Bodies change and gain many new shapes and colors and bumps and scratches, the body is a beautiful and temporary thing. Finding someone who loves you for who you are is not easy, but it exists. It’s just unfortunate that many of the more kind and compassionate men are also very shy. I apologize if I jump around on subjects, but I feel for you and I want to try addressing as many of the issues you brought up as possible. Know that you are still so young and have so much to offer. Also know that regardless of anyone’s beliefs or what they will tell you, it is your body and frankly I validate what you did. I agree that having a child with that man would have guaranteed a life of misery with him and mixed feelings about a child that is half him. Also you have made no wrong choices, just the ones you thought were right at the time. We are meant to make mistakes, as life has no do-over button, and we need mistakes to learn and gain wisdom that we then pass on to others, in hopes they don’t make the same mistakes. I know the feeling of wanting out of the life you made for yourself, but you have to know that option has no return. There is still a lot you can do while you yet live, but once you are gone there is no coming back to the life you left. I hope some of this helped.
 
H

Helena1

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Oct 11, 2014
Messages
10,258
Location
UK
I would try to see a different GP even if it mean changing practices. Also write down what you want to speak to them about in detail so you can just hand it over if you can't say it.
 
T

treehugger2901

Member
Joined
Dec 27, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Lowestoft
Thank you, I have just written myself (quite a lengthy!😩) list of how I’m feeling and symptoms etc hopefully it will be a better way of putting my feelings across. Thank you for the suggestion xx
 
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