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I feel like I'm going to kill someone, I hear these voices and I can't live normally

T E_90

T E_90

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I understand what you mean, even if maybe my case is different, I always have murderous thoughts since I can remember, but I also have aspd as well as bipolar 2.
Lately I've had a moment when (almost impulsively), I put my arm from behind around a friend's neck as a joke, but after starting that, it was extremely hard for me to stop and control myself, it might sound bad, but I could and would have liked to continue.
But I know it's wrong, and I can control myself and nobody suspected otherwise.
In my case, however, it doesn't depend on any psychosis, and I don't take any meds either,
since the psychiatrist says that in my case they would be useless, since it's not led by being bipolar, but by the way I am, for other reasons, and I just need to adapt my life around it, trying to control it.
I have mood swings of course, of euphoria and apathy, but overall, I'm not complaining.
In your case I would say that perhaps the meds could help you to live a normal life, I'm not an expert, but if you feel that this has so much weight and you are afraid of doing harm, I think that it's the best choice.
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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Don't get high! The THC in marijuhana causes psychosis in those who have a tendency towards it (and from your name, Schizopatheist, and what you say above, it sounds as if you suffer from psychosis). I've just copied this from the NHS website (National Health Service in the UK):

Cannabis and mental health​

Regular cannabis use increases the risk of developing a psychotic illness, such as schizophrenia.

A psychotic illness is one where you have hallucinations (seeing things that are not really there) and delusions (believing things that are not really true).

The risk of developing a psychotic illness is higher in people who:

  • start using cannabis at a young age
  • smoke stronger types, such as skunk
  • smoke it regularly
  • use it for a long time
  • smoke cannabis and also have other risk factors for schizophrenia, such as a family history of the illness
Cannabis also increases the risk of a relapse in people who already have schizophrenia, and it can make psychotic symptoms worse.

I should add to the above, that cannabis use isn't just a risk for schizophrenia, but also for bipolar with psychotic features; in fact, for any illness that includes psychosis.

Apart from the above word of caution, I agree with what others have said: please take your meds as prescribed. Antipsychotics are not meant to be used occasionally, unless your psychiatrist has prescribed them on a PRN basis (taken as necessary). You are far more likely to have more frequent and worse episodes if you are not taking medication regularly. And if they are making you as drowsy as you have mentioned, tell your psychiatrist, as s/he may adjust them so they are less soporific (sleep-inducing). Also, after a while your body and mind will get used to the drug, so it won't make you anywhere near as tired.

I also agree that some form of therapy might be a good idea, though if English is not your first language, you might not get as much from it as if it were in your own language. That said, your English sounds very good to me, so maybe approach your mental health team to see if anything is available, or pay for private therapy if you can afford it. One word of warning though, I don't think psychodynamic therapy is a good idea for those with severe mental illness such as ourselves, or for those with deep trauma, as it delves too deeply into the past and so can actually be triggering.

I'd look for something that is more practical and focused on dealing with your current issues, with techniques you can try, to change your thinking/ability to cope with your emotions. I found DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) very helpful, but it's not always easy to get referred for it. In the UK, it's only considered for those with Borderline Personality Disorder rather than a mood disorder like bipolar. There's a lot of info about it on the Net though. Another advantage of DBT is that it teaches you mindfulness, which anchors you in the here and now, thus alleviating overthinking/obsessional thinking, and helps you to access a deep well of calm, which also helps you relax.

I hope some of these ideas are useful and if you can, please do try to stop using cannabis. With all good wishes, Ginger.
 
T E_90

T E_90

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@Ginger Kitten Your post is interesting.
I've noticed that marijuana, despite relaxing me, at the same time it increases some thoughts and urges, and more than once I've found myself near the limit.

To be fair I sometimes, even without it, feel like a tightrope walker, on a very thin rope, ready to snap over an audience thirsty to see my madness take over, for some good entertainment, leading to my failure.
Anyway, good to know I'm not the only one to have noticed that.
 
Kannon

Kannon

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@supergreysmoke I dunno dude, look up the People's Crusade. Things can get off track real fast. Maybe something real simple and down to earth would help.
 
G

Ginger Kitten

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@Schizopatheist I didn't realise this was an old thread when I read it Schizopatheist but I'm really glad to hear things are so much better for you now, including having found someone to love. Like you, I write to give myself pleasure (not for catharsis of bipolar, as I've written all my life, long before BP came a-calling). I write poetry but I'd love to read your novel if you are still happy to share it. All good wishes, Ginger.
 
Tawny

Tawny

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@T E_90 I only know bad stories from cannabis. I think everyone shold avoid it especially those with mental health problems.
 
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