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I feel like I'm going to kill someone, I hear these voices and I can't live normally

S

Schizopatheist

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Okay so first of all sorry for my second language English... I have bipolar mixed episodes and I have been having problems with my medication. My lithium carbonate blood levels dropped too low due to little eating... and of course I started experiencing mood swings again and whenever I have a depressive episode I feel like I'm going to kill someone I hear these voices and I can't live normally I don't even notice how I start planning already and then I feel like I'm going crazy... I told my psychiatrist about this he said I need medication correction and need to register to clinic. And I tried but I can't now because there's no available times this month so I'll be able only next month so what do I do until then..i already experienced such thoughts before and I almost killed someone but ended up trying to kill myself..please someone. Thank you.
 
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supergreysmoke

Former member
Religion. Can't say how but taking on religion, especially in a deeply spiritual way, can turn things around. Why wait till your in prison with no access to sunlight though? Not all religions are the same though...choose with care.
 
S

Schizopatheist

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Religion. Can't say how but taking on religion, especially in a deeply spiritual way, can turn things around. Why wait till your in prison with no access to sunlight though? Not all religions are the same though...choose with care.

Honestly I'm not a religious person but like when I have those depressive episodes I don't even think of what would happen like I don't care I feel like I don't even need anyone family friends or anything and if I'd go to prison I'd just simply kill myself but I know those depressive episodes don't last forever and I won't think like that forever once mood changes again I think differently but while I have those thoughts its getting hard to cope. Thanks for your reply.
 
calypso

calypso

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Is there any way you can tell them its an emergency and you really need an appointment earlier. Have you got anyone who can help you with this? Remember, a thought is just a thought, its not action and you don't have to act on them. When things get overwhelming, can you actually do something else? I used to cook a complicated meal. Its about just getting through the next hour. Emotional extremes don't last all that long and you can get through this.

keep talking to us - I also have bipolar so do understand.
 
S

Schizopatheist

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Is there any way you can tell them its an emergency and you really need an appointment earlier. Have you got anyone who can help you with this? Remember, a thought is just a thought, its not action and you don't have to act on them. When things get overwhelming, can you actually do something else? I used to cook a complicated meal. Its about just getting through the next hour. Emotional extremes don't last all that long and you can get through this.

keep talking to us - I also have bipolar so do understand.

Thanks for your reply. I understand but I'm scared for thoughts that really tire me turn into actions.. and I have them really bad when I'm depressed and its pretty bad I then have a small thinking and think only of killing its hard to do any activity I try listening music and think about lyrics or watch a movie but that does not help much often.. I have antipsychotics that help with those thoughts but they put me to sleep so I try to avoid taking them..what's weird is I have only a specific way of first degree murder just like last time and when I was out of those antipsychotics I'd stay awake for days because of the thoughts and starve I'm just waiting for 04-15 because then I'll bee able to register toto clinic for next month
 
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Q

Queenie

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Thanks for your reply. I understand but I'm scared for thoughts that really tire me turn into actions.. and I have them really bad when I'm depressed and its pretty bad I then have a small thinking and think only of killing its hard to do any activity I try listening music and think about lyrics or watch a movie but that does not help much often.. I have antipsychotics that help with those thoughts but they put me to sleep so I try to avoid taking them..what's weird is I have only a specific way of first degree murder just like last time and when I was out of those antipsychotics I'd stay awake for days because of the thoughts and starve I'm just waiting for 04-15 because then I'll bee able to register toto clinic for next month

If you have anti-psychotics, if I was you, I would take them. Take them at night if they make you drowsy. Also sometimes it's normal to have ideas to wanting to harm someone especially if they have done something to you. But maybe you should take them but take them in the evening for now.
 
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IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Former member
Okay so first of all sorry for my second language English... I have bipolar mixed episodes and I have been having problems with my medication. My lithium carbonate blood levels dropped too low due to little eating... and of course I started experiencing mood swings again and whenever I have a depressive episode I feel like I'm going to kill someone I hear these voices and I can't live normally I don't even notice how I start planning already and then I feel like I'm going crazy... I told my psychiatrist about this he said I need medication correction and need to register to clinic. And I tried but I can't now because there's no available times this month so I'll be able only next month so what do I do until then..i already experienced such thoughts before and I almost killed someone but ended up trying to kill myself..please someone. Thank you.

Call a Crisis Number or check into to your nearest E.R. right away!!! You could go to prison for the rest of your life if you act on it! Plus the guilt you would feel!!! :scared: :scared: :scared:
 
S

Schizopatheist

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If you have anti-psychotics, if I was you, I would take them. Take them at night if they make you drowsy. Also sometimes it's normal to have ideas to wanting to harm someone especially if they have done something to you. But maybe you should take them but take them in the evening for now.

But they are very strong and once they put me to sleep I wake up like in the middle of the day the next day and they affect my orientation and since I have mixed episodes type of bipolar I get depressive episodes pretty often so I take them only when its very necessary... but you see the whole thing is that there is no specific person and I have no anger no-one did anything bad to me..
 
BorderlineDownunder

BorderlineDownunder

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But they are very strong and once they put me to sleep I wake up like in the middle of the day the next day and they affect my orientation and since I have mixed episodes type of bipolar I get depressive episodes pretty often so I take them only when its very necessary... but you see the whole thing is that there is no specific person and I have no anger no-one did anything bad to me..

we all sympathise with medications being too strong but stopping and starting them is obviously making you worse.

FWIW I once had a homicidal fantasy that lasted a solid 9 hours, Id never ever experienced one before, but I have Suicidal Ideation and apparently its common for one to flip into another.

You also have to be extremely careful what you put into your body, a (mentally sound) friend went suddenly homicidal on one can of Monster, literally, the caffeine sent her into a murderous rage and she nearly attacked her poor innocent colleague.

The thing is you clearly already have some sort of medical intervention but it sounds like you need more, in that the medication does not suit you.

I have never experienced another homicidal event, for me it was circumstance related, but it was so strong and intense I could have attacked him very violently.

Scary thoughts.

But no ones afraid I'm Homicidal, because I'm usually Suicidal, the only person I'm a risk to is myself.

Please go back to your doctor, you cant just take medication when you feel like it, often its a daily thing and they need to fiddle about before they get the right combination.

You do not have to live this way, but now you've come out and been honest (well done) you have a Moral Obligation to try and get help for it.

What you're doing right now, just isn't working.

Best
BDU
 
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S

Schizopatheist

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we all sympathise with medications being too strong but stopping and starting them is obviously making you worse.

FWIW I once had a homicidal fantasy that lasted a solid 9 hours, Id never ever experienced one before, but I have Suicidal Ideation and apparently its common for one to flip into another.

You also have to be extremely careful what you put into your body, a (mentally sound) friend went suddenly homicidal on one can of Monster, literally, the caffeine sent her into a murderous rage and she nearly attacked her poor innocent colleague.

The thing is you clearly already have some sort of medical intervention but it sounds like you need more, in that the medication does not suit you.

I have never experienced another homicidal event, for me it was circumstance related, but it was so strong and intense I could have attacked him very violently.

Scary thoughts.

But no ones afraid I'm Homicidal, because I'm usually Suicidal, the only person I'm a risk to is myself.

Please go back to your doctor, you cant just take medication when you feel like it, often its a daily thing and they need to fiddle about before they get the right combination.

You do not have to live this way, but now you've come out and been honest (well done) you have a Moral Obligation to try and get help for it.

What you're doing right now, just isn't working.

Best
BDU

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I've also noticed when I have that killing depressed kind of mood I also at the same time feel no guilt or remorse if I do something I keep offending someone and ignoring those who care I become like a sociopath... but then when this mood is gone again I think to myself ''damn how could I say so how could I think such a thing'' I guess everyone with bipolar knows that feeling when you feel like it wasn't you that other moment...

And my meds ehh my lithium blood level is <0.01 and it has to be at least 0.3 and my doctor already wanted to make a higher dose but he changed his mind because he thought that maybe it was so low because of flu I had before or maybe I wasn't just eating enough at that time or lab's mistake..so now I'm just waiting for medication correction but I'm worried they're going to hospitalise me I hope not. Thank you once again.
 
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calypso

calypso

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I was on Quetiapine which made me too sleepy, I stopped taking them and became very psychotic. My pdoc (psychiatrist) changed them to Aripiprazole which didn't make me sleepy and I feel much better as a result. Ask your pdoc for a change of meds and also check out that lithium level. I don't think meds are the answer to everything but they definitely have their place.

You could also ask for therapy of some kind which can help with the thoughts and how to deal with them. They aren't that unusual as we all have masses of intrusive thoughts which can make people very frightening. Look it up on the internet, put in Intusive thoughts and you will find this to be true. Don't frighten yourself and it sounds as though its the depression driving this - or so you said. Then get this addressed too. Therapy can help with a lot of this.
 
S

Schizopatheist

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I was on Quetiapine which made me too sleepy, I stopped taking them and became very psychotic. My pdoc (psychiatrist) changed them to Aripiprazole which didn't make me sleepy and I feel much better as a result. Ask your pdoc for a change of meds and also check out that lithium level. I don't think meds are the answer to everything but they definitely have their place.

You could also ask for therapy of some kind which can help with the thoughts and how to deal with them. They aren't that unusual as we all have masses of intrusive thoughts which can make people very frightening. Look it up on the internet, put in Intusive thoughts and you will find this to be true. Don't frighten yourself and it sounds as though its the depression driving this - or so you said. Then get this addressed too. Therapy can help with a lot of this.

Yeah thanks. I'm already going to a psychotherapist she does help me a little with that but mostly it's just unexpected.. And my doctor will fix lithium dosage I hope and I'll ask for something different as an antipsychotic.. thank you very much.
 
S

supergreysmoke

Former member
Yeah, Freud explained mechanics of the death wish but he is well out of vogue now since the docs want to push pills with their unpredictable results. It's been shown that talking therapies are powerful and to my mind they provide a more meaningful framework for psychological intervention. And I'm no fan of CBT but extended, in depth talking therapies are the way to provide insight and allow folks to move on from disturbing phases of illness. Building up resilience from the death wish is a ongoing task, could say it is a life-long project.
 
dougsan

dougsan

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The only therapy that has worked for me -- regarding the desire to kill -- was group therapy with a fixed group (no additions and therapy runs for a set time -- average for me 15 sessions). One of my voices tells me to hurt myself. If I get high the voice then tells me certain people want me to kill them -- would be pleased if I kill them. The voice is a nice and funny guy, aside from the fact he is evil. The correct mix of drugs shuts that voice down but the mix only works for a couple of months. Then it has to be changed. Solutions seem to differ for each patient. Much luck. Don't forget we're here for you.
 
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