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I feel like I'm coming unraveled

F

feeling crushed

New member
Joined
Nov 11, 2021
Messages
4
Location
United States
For obvious reasons, I don't want to share any details, but a few years ago, I made a really stupid out of character mistake that has turned my life on its head. I admit that I did wrong, and I deeply regret it. If there were any possible way to undo it, I'd give anything to do so. I've reached a point where my mental state is beginning to truly crush me (hence the username). In retrospect, I've had depression issues as long as I can remember, and honestly, I believe they played a major role in what happened. I say in retrospect because for a very long time, I wouldn't allow myself to consider it because of implied pressure in religious circles. For anyone religious, please understand that I'm not bashing religion. I'm simply stating that the mental health ignorance of many around me and the resulting attitudes were very detrimental to my understanding of my condition.

In the last month or so, I've finally started getting some mental health care. It was very long overdue, and even after recognizing I needed it, the very issues that caused me to need it prevented me from seeking it. Put simply, for a long time, I was simply too scared to seek the help.

So far, I've had two visits with a therapist. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and further diagnoses of Asperger's and ADD seem highly likely if not almost certain. I also have panic attacks, which sometimes come on with almost no warning. So far, my experiences with the therapy have been positive. The problem is that in the last week or two, life has been throwing me some serious curve balls that have really been sucking the life out of me. I was able to talk to my therapist about some of them, but some of them have happened since my last visit. I do know one particular pastor who's knowledgeable and understanding, and I've talked to him about them.

I say that to hopefully make it clear that I'm truly trying to make progress. The thing is though, right now, things are piling up so much and affecting me so strongly that I feel like I'm in worse shape than I was before I got professional help. It has nothing to do with the therapy itself, and I'm not trying to suggest that it does. Again, I think that's been a positive for me. But right now, there's a part of my mind that's asking what the point is. There's a real temptation to feel like it's all pointless if it's just going to get worse anyway.

I just have a need to get it off my chest and not fear how people who know me will react. I guess I'm looking for someone to say they've been there and come through it. I wouldn't say that I'm suicidal in the strictest sense of the word since it's not something that I'm planning, but it's closer to my mind than it should be, admittedly (and yes, I have talked to someone for support). But right now, things just look and feel really, really bad, and it's hard to see it getting better for the foreseeable future. Sorry for such a long post and thanks to anyone who cares enough to read it.
 
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BigManSlim99

Active member
Joined
Jun 30, 2021
Messages
29
Location
Washington State
It's great that your getting some mental health treatment now. You always gotta start somewhere right? It can be a long process that sometimes doesn't feel like it's going anywhere, but stick with it because it does make a difference. Things may be really bad right now, but hang in there because things get better with time. I go through phases where things are really terrible, but then things get better and I start feeling more like myself again.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
1,980
Location
US
For obvious reasons, I don't want to share any details, but a few years ago, I made a really stupid out of character mistake that has turned my life on its head. I admit that I did wrong, and I deeply regret it. If there were any possible way to undo it, I'd give anything to do so. I've reached a point where my mental state is beginning to truly crush me (hence the username). In retrospect, I've had depression issues as long as I can remember, and honestly, I believe they played a major role in what happened. I say in retrospect because for a very long time, I wouldn't allow myself to consider it because of implied pressure in religious circles. For anyone religious, please understand that I'm not bashing religion. I'm simply stating that the mental health ignorance of many around me and the resulting attitudes were very detrimental to my understanding of my condition.

In the last month or so, I've finally started getting some mental health care. It was very long overdue, and even after recognizing I needed it, the very issues that caused me to need it prevented me from seeking it. Put simply, for a long time, I was simply too scared to seek the help.

So far, I've had two visits with a therapist. I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and further diagnoses of Asperger's and ADD seem highly likely if not almost certain. I also have panic attacks, which sometimes come on with almost no warning. So far, my experiences with the therapy have been positive. The problem is that in the last week or two, life has been throwing me some serious curve balls that have really been sucking the life out of me. I was able to talk to my therapist about some of them, but some of them have happened since my last visit. I do know one particular pastor who's knowledgeable and understanding, and I've talked to him about them.

I say that to hopefully make it clear that I'm truly trying to make progress. The thing is though, right now, things are piling up so much and affecting me so strongly that I feel like I'm in worse shape than I was before I got professional help. It has nothing to do with the therapy itself, and I'm not trying to suggest that it does. Again, I think that's been a positive for me. But right now, there's a part of my mind that's asking what the point is. There's a real temptation to feel like it's all pointless if it's just going to get worse anyway.

I just have a need to get it off my chest and not fear how people who know me will react. I guess I'm looking for someone to say they've been there and come through it. I wouldn't say that I'm suicidal in the strictest sense of the word since it's not something that I'm planning, but it's closer to my mind than it should be, admittedly (and yes, I have talked to someone for support). But right now, things just look and feel really, really bad, and it's hard to see it getting better for the foreseeable future. Sorry for such a long post and thanks to anyone who cares enough to read it.
Hey, @feeling crushed, really hard to read this, to know you're going through this right now. What I can say after decades of dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression is that when you do finally make that move to get professional help, it takes a lot. The system is not easy, and when you're down, it's the last thing you have energy for. The anxiety, of course, makes it all the more tempting...so putting it off is something that so many of us do. Good for you for getting that done.

In my experience, I have definitely felt worse at the beginning of therapy as well at times. I know you have things going on outside of therapy that are causing stress, but when you start therapy, you are opening up a can of stuff that even to hear your own voice articulate it can be hard. Even if you don't realise it at the time, it is extremely emotionally taxing and it makes all kinds of sense that it too can add to feeling overwhelmed, down, any number of things.

Glad that you think it's a good thing for you. Could really help you turn things around and feel like you can breathe again. Welcome to the forum, and I really hope you find some relief here. xx
 
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