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I feel like I'm being gaslighted by my own family- help!

C

Ctina

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Joined
Aug 3, 2021
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Uk
Backstory - my sister (27) has been dating her boyfriend (27) for a few years now. The years have been full of arguments over the smallest things and drama. From an outsider perspective he is emotionally manipulative and has anger issues. Countless times she has said shes wanting to break up with him then doesn't. I've watched my sister completely change since being with him. She has to walk on egg shells around him. We used to be really close, we moved to Australia to work together and traveled the world. Since she's met him that has all changed, we are not as close and we don't share anything with each other anymore.

2 years into their relationship they moved into our family home (they had previously been living with him in Spain). This is the moment he began to cause a wedge between my family. We could hear all the arguments, he would shout at and disrespect my mum. He told my grandma to fuck off in her own home. He is nasty to my youngest sibling. It got to the point I could no longer live there and for my mental health had to withdraw from the situation. Not only this, but he was given a car to use from my parents, they paid for his insurance, let him live rent free and even bought all his food (he eats a lot). My parents business isn't in a very strong position at the moment and I know they are struggling with money.

He started getting really angry at my whole family that the cleaning wasn't up to his standards. He wrote in our family group that he felt he was being treated like a slave because he was the only person to take the bin out once a week. He was unemployed but not actively looking for a job and relied on my parents for money. From my perspective, taking the bin out was the least he could do.

He decided he wanted to move out, he finally had a job and my parents let him live in one of their apartments (they are property developers) rent - free with my sister.

However, after all his awful behaviour and entitlement the only people who find this whole situation outrageous is my youngest sibling and I. We feel like we get gaslighted by the whole family, they make excuses for the way he acts, they don't call him out on anything. I think they don't want to make him angry because he causes hell for my sister when he's pissed off.
After one of his "outbursts" my parents will get mad at me and my sister if we don't immediately forgive him. I feel like he is not held accountable for his actions, and I am getting more and more frustrated. If I raise any issues about him, I am seen as being unreasonable. I am slowly seeing my family less and less because I can't keep putting myself in that situation where my opinion is lesser than his.

On the other side, if my sister is mad at him,the whole family can be mad at him. My mum will call me to tell me what he's done. I don't want to know anymore because I know as soon as he is forgiven, I am expected to immediately go back to normal with him. My emotions can't handle this when I hear about the way he mistreats her.

It has got to the point that I am now seen as the 'bad guy' of the family. I have tried my best to stay out of it but I can't stay silent when there is an injustice, I feel like he's taking advantage of my family and I think my sister deserves better.
I think my family are enabling his behaviour.

Please can someone help me how to deal with this situation? It's really affecting me mentally and making me feel like I'm the one doing something wrong. But I can't go along with this charade. I have tried talking to my parents about it but they insist he is 'trying to change' and I should give him another chance. In my experience of dating, people like that don't change. They don't listen to my frustration or how I'm feeling, it's all about him...
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Nov 10, 2019
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You need to put yourself first

Focus on what you need

Sometimes there is nothing we can do
 
Anime-Alchemy

Anime-Alchemy

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Joined
Oct 21, 2013
Messages
7,451
Location
A comet
I'm sorry to read about your family, your sister and her boyfriend.
This guy sounds really bad.
You are not doing anything wrong.
Talking about it can be of help, such as talking to a mental health worker/therapist, etc.
 
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