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I feel like i threw out the baby with the bathwater

R

railtown

Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2009
Messages
5
i have never been diagnosed with any mental disorder, or even been to a psychologist or a psychiatrist.

however, when i was younger (about the first 24 years of my life) I had a lot of symptoms of psychosis, like seeing and hearing things, grand all-encompassing delusions (maybe), and a lot of disassociative and depersonalizing feelings.

i was at my worst between 17 and 19, and things were so confusing i had trouble maintaining any sort of normalcy, carrying on conversations, performing basic tasks etc.

eventually it occurred to me that the things i was thinking about may be real, but i cannot fix them anyway so there is no point in worrying about them. I gradually (and i mean gradually, it took several years) developed the ability to stifle all "abnormal" thoughts by focusing on other things through a number of methods.

I'm greatful that i managed to do this without the use of medication or outside help, because it made me a strong person.


BUT.....

I have been maintaining a normal(ish) life and trying to conform for so long now (mostly for the sake of those around me who i care about) that i feel i have lost a major part of my mind. Although the things i focused on were ultimately destructive, my internal world was never boring. Now i feel like i cannot, or just will not let myself access certain areas of my brain where certain kinds of information is stored. Perhaps this is a recovery of some kind, but i feel like something is missing. I have stifled my imagination for long enough i feel like i'm no longer who i once was, and sometimes i feel it would be more comfortable to just let things go again. I'm not about to actually do so because i have responsibilities to my family to uphold, and i'm not about to let them down by retreating into myself just because it is more interesting.
however, i find the absence of my former self rather depressing.

does anyone have any advice on finding a balance or dealing with this loss?
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Hi railtown. I think that it can be very hard to take the good things from certain experiences while leaving the not so pleasant aspects behind. I used to have a somewhat romantic notion of some of the psychotic states that I had been in, especially earlier on with things. There were aspects of the experiences that I felt I had really enjoyed.

The last few times I have been psychosed, have been truly horrific. I never want to experience such states again or go back there. I do think that some doors are best left closed.

Have you tried exploring spirituality? Exploring creativity? & maybe finding a good psychologist; if that is within your means.
 
R

railtown

Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2009
Messages
5
thanks.
as far as the whole creativity thing goes, i've just graduated from art school, so i do a lot of that sort of thing. the problem is, the saner i am, the less my ideas flow. i seem like while a few years ago i had too many ideas, now i have to force them out.
spirituality is definitely something i need to stay away from, as no matter what sort it invariably triggers all sorts of weirdness of a pretty negative kind.

i feel like i was happier before, and my brain has gone too quiet.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
thanks.
as far as the whole creativity thing goes, i've just graduated from art school, so i do a lot of that sort of thing. the problem is, the saner i am, the less my ideas flow. i seem like while a few years ago i had too many ideas, now i have to force them out.
spirituality is definitely something i need to stay away from, as no matter what sort it invariably triggers all sorts of weirdness of a pretty negative kind.

i feel like i was happier before, and my brain has gone too quiet.
I went to art college too, when I left school. I used to draw & paint all the time. I find it really hard now. I have been working on a picture recently. I have been drawing bits of it for the past year. That's where my drawing has got to. I used to paint many pictures a day at one time. Meds have done that to a degree. I haven't painted much in over 10 years.

Life can be creative, & writing, many things. I think that the real value of experiencing extreme states; is coming back from them, in returning to earth & back to the mundane. What you have gone though is still a part of you. You haven't lost that part, it is still there. It is very hard being an artist.
 
D

diddypinks

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jun 7, 2009
Messages
1,946
i spent so many nights wanting to be normal have a job be like joe blogs then i realised that that would be wrong for me because i am really ill its YOUR life and my mum for instance ould love me to become something more than i am but its my life and i have to do whats right for me not mum society or anybody else. there is so much pressure to conform. i scare myself silly when i'm ill theres nothing good about that for me maybe you just need to recognise your achievments more and reward yourself with nice things. you have done so well to be able to do what youve done.:D
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
maybe you just need to recognise your achievments more and reward yourself with nice things. you have done so well to be able to do what youve done.:D
Good advice.

Reminded me of this Quote I found recently -

When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax more and appreciate your body and mind, you begin to contact the fundamental notion of basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important to be willing to open yourself to yourself. Developing tenderness toward yourself allows you to see both your problems and your potential accurately. You don’t feel that you have to ignore your problems or exaggerate your potential. That kind of gentleness toward yourself and appreciation of yourself is very necessary. It provides the ground for helping yourself and others.
~ Chögyam Trungpa
 
R

railtown

Member
Joined
Jul 21, 2009
Messages
5
since i first posted this thread, i've been sleeping probably less than is reasonable (but not so little as to be alarming), and i honestly feel a little better, i feel a little slippy but not in any threatening kind of way, but i feel like i can think properly again, almost. i feel a lot more like myself. which is miraculous, after months and months of robatacism. Obviously there are still some huge (and probably necessary) mental blocks, but my thoughts seem to be flowing in a more reasonable way. it's such a relief, because feeling labotomized is never nice.
 
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