- May 10, 2019
Well, things are not going well with me. It feels like I’m losing my entire mind. Actually it feels like already lost it. I’m not sure how to explain it. I’ve been fighting myself over and over every day for the past 5 years. I’ve lost my faith that improvement is possible. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel like anxiety and depression. Nothing more then that. I deal with intrusions, although I doubt if they are. I constantly obsess about ‘irrational’ stuff. like certain colors that are bad. I judge people by their eye color which is just horrible. But it does feel like the truth. I feel like a psychopath. Like really, I feel like one. I feel like the most horrible person on earth. I lost all my feelings, although I feel so much. I can’t cry, be angry or whatever. I’m just completely boiled up by frustration. I think about giving up, although I try to avoid that subject. I do think about it. I feel like I just really lost it. I’m not feeling well reaching out atm, but I’m still posting this. I’m not sure why. I feel like nothing works anyway. I’ve done a lot already. I’m still the person who struggles everyday with himself. I don’t believe I can change this, because it’s part of my identity now. Who am I without this? I don’t know. I don’t even know if I want to change? Is that weird? Probably. I know it backfires anyway. I will be always be doomed. Stuck with irrational thoughts all alone. I’m waiting for therapy but it takes so long. I’m done.