I feel like I have no personality

M

MaudMontgomery

Guest
#1
Hi
So I've only recently discovered BPD, about a month ago, I'd no idea about it before, and I started realising that a lot of my behaviours are characteristic of BPD.
For eg, I get majorly upset and angry over the smallest of things, for eg a comment that was really not meant to harm at all.
Over the years I experienced dramatic and drastic change in opinions and beliefs, and this is what bothers me the most, because it makes it extremely difficult for me to plan for the future. Sometimes I feel that I don't have any personality, and that gives me the worst feeling ever, it feels like I'm lost and empty and really just floating around the world aimlessly. A lot of the times I wonder if it is all just an illusion and that everyone around me isn't real. I can't identify with myself, most people have a strong sense of self, they know what they like or dislike or what they believe in, I don't and i never have, well I do but it changes almost on a daily basis.
Another thing that I find really weird about myself is that I have like these imagined up fantasies, I'm not sure what to call them. Like of me, being really beautiful or successful or happy or whatever and I'll play those over in my head at night till I fall asleep. The fantasies change real quick depending on my mood, and are really detailed, I'll make up new people, friends, their names, etc. I don't think this is related to narcissistic personality disorder for me since I have a very very low self esteem. I just wanted to know, is there some way I can change all of this, and find a strong sense of personality and beliefs and opinions because it is really starting to affect me, and I can't go to see a counselor or get help because I don't think I'll be able to fully explain what I feel, and to be honest, I am scared.
 
S

Saranoya

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
Messages
152
#2
Of course the thought of going to see a therapist or other mental health professional, and having to explain all of this to them, and running the risk of being completely misunderstood, is scary. So I fully understand your reluctance.

However, there is no way that anyone here can tell you whether or not you have BPD, and even if you do, it's going to be very hard for anyone to give you a "twelve-step plan to a more stable self-image". If you're going to work on this, I think it will have to involve a process of self-discovery and self help. Perhaps, at some point, this will involve support from a professional (like a therapist) asking the right questions. First, that'll help you discover who you are and how you function. Second, it'll help you formulate your own solutions to your own problems, based on what you've learned about yourself.

So can you change any of this? Perhaps, if that is what you want. It depends on a lot of things. But one thing is for sure: in order to really change something, first you have to understand it. So by all means, keep writing here. See if that helps you bring clarity to your feelings and your struggles. And maybe, once you've figured out how to explain things a little better, go see a mental health professional anyway. They're more equipped to help you with this than most of us on this website are.

People here can try to guide you, and cheer you on along your path, by sharing their own experiences and insights. I'm sure that can be helpful. I can tell you, for instance, that have a similarly unstable sense of self as you: I can ben deeply convinced of one thing today, and equally deeply convinced of its polar opposite tomorrow. I try to warn people in advance of what to expect, and I apologize a lot for constantly contradicting myself. Other than that, I'm pretty OK with who I am. But in the end, this is not about me, or anyone else. It's about you. Find out what works for *you*.

Don't be afraid to talk about this, whether to a therapist or anyone else. Getting them to understand you will be comforting. But if they do not understand you, it's no big deal. As long as your conversation with them helps you understand *yourself* a little better.
 
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B

Breathless

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2015
Messages
65
#3
Keep it real and take baby steps. Maybe start with writing a list of the things you enjoy doing or believe in. Gradually introduce them into your life. You'll build confidence your sense of self worth and be in as better space to evaluate who you really are. I've also suffered from unrealistic fantasies, its a coping mechanism to help you deal with the painful reality.
 
D

Deliah

Guest
#4
Hello there. I would begin by trying to normalise your views of yourself a little. What you are saying is that you change your mind a lot. This is human, nothing more nothing less. The mind changes. My views change everyday. We don't hold the same views and beliefs for our entire lives. I was always very much that way, even pre illness. I would definitely want something one day and the next definitely wouldn't. Nothing wrong with you at all. Also, we all fantasize, imagine, ever single one of us. You are just a creative person, does it need to be given a label. I would say that a therapist may really help you. You don't have to take meds, if that not what you want, but sounds like you are feeling very isolated in your experience at the moment. Wise ears to listen and offer guidance may really help. love to you this evening D xxx
 

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