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I feel like I’m extremely selfish

B

Bubbayuha

New member
Joined
Oct 28, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Nepal
This is going to be very long...I think. I don’t love my family members. My father raised me without my mom. My mom has some mental health issues which led her to leave me and my two siblings. My mom used to threaten my father that she would throw us on the streets. I heard them fight like this when I was 5 ish.
So my father raised us with the help of my cousins. He had to work very hard to raise us. But I always had many differences with my father. Anytime I expressed my anger he used to hit me. Or anytime I went against what he said he would glare at me and hit me. He even stopped me from taking dancing classes (because he’s that conservative!). I was abroad studying for four years and I always avoided my father’s texts. I never missed home because I found a boyfriend who really loves me. I come from a very conservative family so my father doesn’t know that I have a boyfriend. However, now I heard that my half BROTHER went for dancing classes. In a conservative family like mine, sending a girl was a big NO NO. Now he sent my half BROTHER(a guy) for dancing classes. I feel discriminated against. But I did once talk to my father that he wasn’t emotionally there for me and he was really authoritative and he apologized for that. But I still only respect him.

He remarried when I was 11 and my stepmom discriminated between her child and my siblings the whole time that I was at home. She looked at me like I was some sort of whore whenever she caught me dancing. She used to hit her son whenever she got mad at me and my sister. Now that I have come back home, she is really nice. She treats me really well. I don’t love her at all. I just respect her getting married to a guy who is 19 years older than her and for taking care of my father and grandparents. She wakes up early morning to cook everything and works the whole day and I respect her for that. When I was home, she used to bang the dishes because I didn’t help her with the kitchen chores. But she never got mad at my blood brother because she thinks (or thought) girls are the ones who should do all the work.
My grandparents love me to death but I don’t love them because they are super conservative and I know that if they know that I have a boyfriend who’s not even the same race as I am, they’ll abandon me. I believe that my father will do the same thing. All of them in my family show conditional love or at least I think they do. If you don’t do blah blah blah we will keep loving you kind of thing. People usually love their grandparents to death but I don’t!

I can abandon anyone easily. Whenever I’m in any relationship I think what can I get from them and not what is it that I can do for them. I’m like that with everyone. People try hard to maintain good relationships with their relatives by doing stuffs that they’re supposed to do however I don’t want to. I hold grudges against every fucking person. I’m still holding grudges against any person that did me wrong. For example, my father, my mother, my stepmom, my uncle and aunt, my grandparents. I usually seek emotional support from anyone and if anyone isn’t able to give me that, I abandon them completely. Is there any problem with me?
 
Last edited by a moderator:
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
44,305
Location
Lancashire
Hiya, never having unconditional love means you never learned to love unconditionally yourself. I think you need to see a therapist and work through all this and see if there is a problem that can be resolved. I think that is the best way forward for you.

Can I ask how old you are? YOu mention living still at home I hope you don't mind me asking. Also you posted this in the Hearing Voices area - do you hear voices? If not then I can easily move it to another area for you and it shouldn't be a problem.
 
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