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I feel like a monster

S

sickandtired2345

New member
Joined
Mar 24, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Canada
I have terrible OCD. It started at 8 years old but now its exhausting and crippling. This has been going on for years and is mental torture. Subject matter changing but always OCD. Started off with germs, moved onto rituals to prevent harm, and now its pure OCD sexual in nature. I get terrible thoughts about the worst subject matter possible. All the time, every 30 seconds of the day. This particular form has been going on for months and is mental torture. I cant leave the house or work half the time. It is the worst one I have ever had. Other ones I have been able to deal with in the past and "get past" but this is a different monster entirely. I work in schools and have quit because I'm constantly afraid. What if my hand moved a micro bit more because I had a bad thought when handing a student a laptop and my brain is so focused on my left hand (similar to if you are driving and you look out the window left the car steers left).
Today was different....two scenarios
First scenario: Intrusive thoughts are supposed to be involuntary or random. I have got into such a pattern of having them all the time, that today when I saw a trigger, I pre-emptively had the thought because I knew it was gonna happen anyways. I broke down and immediately had a panic attack, and blamed myself for having the thought on purpose. I feel like its all become such a game in my head now....
Next scenario: At home, I had a bad thought when trying to "think" of my girlfriend. The bad thought was not anything specific or any scenario, just of the general category. Instead of fight against it or let it go as you are supposed to (not at this stage), my own conscious mind for literally 3 seconds said be bad, try and let it turn you on, be bad, be open to it. So I didn't fight it and let myself and my body contemplate it (no actions). It wasn't a typical check in OCD like checking the oven to make sure its off, or to check if this would turn me on, these were my thoughts, I just gave up resisting and not even letting the thoughts float by, I was like alright OCD I will be bad, like I wanted it to work, just go with it, try and get it to turn you on.
Of course it didn't, and after not even 3 seconds I broke down crying and haven't been the same since. I know I am not a sicko or weirdo, but now I feel like I will never be able to live this down. I tried to be evil in my mind. I didn't think of anything specifically, which is why I think it allowed me to proceed for those 3 seconds, but I can't for the life in me logically put together why I did this (especially the second one). I always thought of myself as a really good person but I feel like I failed on a massive scale. If my girlfriend ever knew, she would leave me in an instance.
I have never seen a therapist for my OCD and am a wreck while on a waiting list to see an OCD specialist.

I cannot live with this guilt.
 
B

bangalore1

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 4, 2020
Messages
61
Location
bournemouth
I have this type of OCD and it has been a living hell at times. I also shared that i have intrusive thoughts with far to many people and this has caused people to judge and gossip.
It still affects me and i get a lot of fear.
Hope things get better for you. Take care.
 
O

OCDsurvivor

New member
Joined
Mar 25, 2021
Messages
1
Location
Chicago
Hello. I understand what you are going through. I started with OCD as a child. It began with being worried the rapture would come and I would be left behind in the dark with a white light. When that was over, it turned into different images of people and not being able to control these images. They would just pop I'm my head while I was watching tv or eating. It stopped for years and I had somewhat of a worry free life. Then it started again last August. It started with images of someone being harmed and it was too late for me to do something about it. Then it started with other images. So I began to feel scared because I could control them. Long story short, I went to a therapist and it helped to talk to her about it but she never gave me any strategies to deal with it. She did however reassured me that it's the disorder, not me and to remember not to blame myself, but the disorder. So here are some things that have worked for me, in combination,
1. Prayer
2. Writing it down as soon as the thought starts
3. Writing down the struggle of it and how you will overcome this and how it makes you feel
4. Getting adequate sleep
5. Finding things that make you happy
6. Researching about the disorder and hearing similar stories of people who struggle like you
7. Stop allowing yourself to ruminate. As soon as you feel a thought coming, touch something, sing or call someone so you can stay in touch with reality.
Remember, this is in your mind. You can control it. It is possible.
8. Think about what it feels like when you are not being tormented by the thoughts and try to normalize that for your life. I hope this helps.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
May 6, 2017
Messages
6,861
Location
Sheffield
I cannot live with this guilt.
It may help to have a look at these two pages on the forum: Suicidal Crisis and Mental Health Forum - Getting Help about what to do if you're feeling suicidal, or if you need emergency help. I hope you can use the forum for support during this difficult time.

If you’re thinking about suicide and are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number (i.e. in the UK call 999, in the USA or Canada call 911, in Australia call 000 and in New Zealand call 111) or call the international emergency number of 112.

If you have been affected by the contents of this thread and would like to speak to someone about your feelings you can call one of the following helplines:

In the UK and Ireland, the Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123.
In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.
In Canada, the Suicide Prevention Service on 1.833.456.4566.
In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14.
In New Zealand, the Need to Talk service is on 1737 or 080017371737.
Other international helplines can be found at www.befrienders.org.
 
N

Nopez451

New member
Joined
Apr 20, 2021
Messages
4
Location
New York
I’ve been there man and currently there too. The worst times are the mornings and nights when I’m alone. Fitness helps me, I go to the gym two hours a day and it gives me progression to look forward too. Just know your not alone, Ik that may not matter to you right now, but when your having a rough time just know there is someone you could talk too. By the way I speak to a non OCD specialist since with Covid the wait time is too long and it’s something to try maybe it works. Ever feel like you can’t get through a day leave a thread, someone we’ll be there
 
M

Maretz

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2021
Messages
5
Location
Los Angeles
I'm new here, and looking for answers as well, first of all.

But based on what I read on the topic, it seems to me the key in your scenario is guilt. You are afraid of having bad thoughts, because you feel guilty to have them. In this regard your number 2 response would actually be the solution: just lean into it, don't fight the thoughts, just surrender to them! So what if you get turned on by something awful? It's not your fault! You cannot hurt anybody with your thoughts, they are not real! They are just thoughts. It doesn't make you a bad person to have bad thoughts, there's no reason to feel guilty about them or be afraid of them!

So go where the wind takes you, and you will see that when you are not trying to fight them, the intrusive awful thoughts will fade away, because it's only your fear of them that keeps them there.
 

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