I feel like a ghost thrown into the land of the living...

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Crisyah

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
6
#1
I feel like a ghost thrown into the land of the living by mistake, forced to stumble along through a lifetime, even though there’s nothing for me in this world. I’m a shadow compared to others people’s ambitions and drive and desires, a creature that wants solely to curl upon herself and puzzle upon the world’s mysteries and dream, rather than make a stance and change it. After all, if it’s not my world, why should I bother with it? Having to do its tasks is anathema to my nature. Having to surface from within myself to deal with the needs of a body, of a self that isn’t me slowly kills me. It’s like the very air outside is poisonous to me. Poisonous with too much reality, the stench of mundaneness and the clogging thickness of boredom and meaninglessness. It makes me choke and gag. Makes me feel weak and feeble. I want to stay inside, in my own world, where I truly belong, dancing beneath a sky where the stars are made of flowers and the flowers burn with the fire of starlight. Where the sky is black and the ground in white and there are no shades of grey in between, only sharp colours. Where meaninglessness has meaning and chaos becomes order, simply because that’s how I perceive it. Where a body is not just a suit of meat and bones, but a fluid extension of my core, something I can change and decorate at will. Where I don’t have to be a shade of a human and can be just that, a shade within my own right, living peacefully in the world of the dead, where I was always meant to be.
 
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Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#4
Crysyar, please keep talking to people on here, they will help you I promise.

I have felt like, a ghost in the living today. It's not nice, but ask for help from the forum. It will help you.
 
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Crisyah

Member
Joined
Oct 1, 2018
Messages
6
#5
Hi! Yes, I've been in therapy for over a year now and I've gotten better, but it's a long road and some bad things happened lately that got me feeling worse again. As for other types of support... Not so much.

As for publishing, I've been trying to get back on my feet regarding writing and starting back on a project to have something to hold on and look forward to so fingers crossed for that!

Thanks for the welcome, everyone.
 
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Fancyharm

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
261
Location
West Midlands
#6
You seem to be making some positive steps Crystal, which is good to hear.

It's difficult when things knock you back. I used to feel like I had gone back to the bottom of the ladder when a knockback had happened. But looking back, that wasn't what had happened at all.

It's impossible to turn back time, as we all know, so what positive progress had been achieved before the knockback cannot be lost.
 
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Sallyann

Guest
#7
Wow. That was painfully beautiful to read and also painfully truthful. I feel like that a lot. Like a complete a stranger in this world, you know? Like reality just makes no sense to me. I don’t understand it and I don’t want to live it unless it’s the reality I’ve concocted my own head. Sigh.
 
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Clare Quilty

New member
Joined
Oct 5, 2018
Messages
3
#9
Heart breaking to hear your pain and sadness.

You must keep talking and stay strong.
 

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