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I feel like a failure

F

frizz

New member
Joined
Nov 28, 2009
Messages
1
Hi,

I am a 23 year old female who currently works as an administrator. I live with my boyfriend of 3 years and our dog.
I am not sure what I should write about how I feel as every time I start typing something I feel a bit stupid and pathetic, so I am just going to ramble and hopefully it will make sense.
I am a very negative person and have been from the age of about 15. When I was a teenager up until about 3 years ago I used to have suicidal thoughts, but could never go through with it as I didn’t want my family to suffer. During my time at university there was a period of about 2 months when I used to cut my arms with a breadknife, but I think this may have been for attention as I felt lonely and wanted to rebel and just get my aggression out, like a release.
I have a decent degree in science and the only thing I felt I had going for me was that I was bright. I was always good at school and thought that would be how I would make something of myself. I finished Uni and moved 200 miles away from my family to live with my partner and I now have an awful job in an office with people who I can’t have an intellectual chat with, who only talk about pathetic things. As I no longer use my brain for anything I just find that I am getting more stupid every day so I don’t think I have anything going for me anymore.
I feel like a complete failure most of the time as I don’t think I matter that much and I haven’t achieved anything for myself. I look at all the people I know and they have bought houses or are doing PHDs or are having kids and I have just gone nowhere. I know they must laugh at me as I am stuck in an office and they are all doing better things than me.
I have periods where I am distraught about life and hate myself. I cry myself to sleep and cry when I wake up. I wish I could sleep all day and I tend to either over eat or starve myself so I can binge when I get home. I have no confidence in myself and lack any self esteem. I don’t like doing everyday task, I don’t relax easily, I don’t socialise, and I don’t have friends. The only people I see are my partner and people I work with. My partner is very supportive as is my family and they both think I should go and see someone but I am scared that I will be wasting their time.
I have tried for the past 18 months to find a new job in the hope that maybe it will make me feel better, but as I search for jobs and apply, I either find that there is nothing I can do, or I don’t get a response which just further pushes me into my hole as I know that by now my degree has been a waste as everyone else is better than me.
Also my granddad died 2 years ago and I was the only one who didn’t go and see him before he died. I hadn’t seen him for almost a year and he never got to see me graduate and I still feel awful about it and it just adds to my sadness when I am having a down day. It’s silly really as it’s not like I have done anything else for anyone to be proud of.
I try and talk to my partner and my family about how I feel but I worry that my partner just thinks he is the one making me unhappy but he isn’t. I know I would be even worse without him there. As I talk to him about it though I start thinking to myself that maybe things aren’t as bad as I think. Sometimes I will then have a few really positive days when I decide that I am going to change everything and make life better and get my new job and meet new people. Then things don’t work out that way and I am back slowly sinking into my hole. That’s what it is. I am in this hole and just can’t get out. I think I have been stuck here forever and I can’t remember a time that I wasn’t really unhappy and sad at some point. My dog has picked up my mood a lot and I know that I am a lot better than I used to be. I used to stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning just playing online and then I would get up just in time to get to work the next day and that was my cycle, so I know I am better than I used to be but I just want to be happy and not cry and feel like crap some days.
I have done that test on the NHS website about depression where it asks how often over the past 2 weeks have you overeaten or felt like a failure or not had energy etc and I got 16. It says that this could mean that I am depressed, but I just don’t want to waste someone’s time and I just don’t know how I would start to explain. I would probably come out deciding that I wasn’t depressed as just like when I chat with my partner I start to justify why I am feeling like this and everything is fine for an hour or a day until I revert back to my unhappy self.
I’m sorry this is so long. I am just mumbling and ranting.
 
iffybob

iffybob

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 20, 2009
Messages
4,858
Location
England
yup

I think that from what you have said you do sound depressed, even with depression you can have ups, and then go down again.

It might be help full to get a professional opinion, I dont know what country you live in so, first you may want to see a counciler, that person may feel that you need to see a psychologyst. how you go about this does depend on where you are in the world , this site is globle..... in Britain the first step is a GP ( General Practisioner, in the US I think they are called Family Prac... )

If you feel your work is not satifying enough intelectualy, get a hobbie, somthing out side work to strech your mind, it does not matter what it is, or that you are no good at it, the point is to keep you bussy.

Hope this helps. ........ boB.....:cool:
 
trombone_babe

trombone_babe

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 15, 2009
Messages
1,191
Location
Kent
I agree with boB, I think you need to see your doctor and tell him what you've told us. If you think you won't be able to tell him all that, then print out your post and give it to him. I don't think any decent doc will think you're wasting their time.

Good luck. :)
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
I feel for you frizz there is still stuff that I have never told anyone because no one would believe some of the depths that I have experienced.I think that I have talked more honestly on here than any where else.
Its goo d that your partner is understanding though Its a very deliacte situation because you need himto be there butpeople cannot understand the the true extent of depression why not start a journal on here it helps towrite your feelings down n then they have gone for a while,you can be sohonest here n no one will judgeyou. Best wishes JD
 
scarred4life

scarred4life

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 1, 2009
Messages
75
hi frizz, like the others have said, talk to your gp. it's also great that you have spokedn to your family and partner bout it and they're understanding and supportive.

as far as ur job goes, ur only 23, u got time. alhough times are hard with the financial crisis etc etc, keep looking for a better job, keep applying and don't limit yourself in your search, eg by looking for some specific role. all you need to do is get ur foot in the door in some suitable company and from there you can move to something better within that company.

i was doing crap jobs until i was 27 and i had finished uni at 22, ba and msc. now i've found a job i enjoy and i've been there just under 2 yrs. the most i had previously stayed in any job was 9 months...

let us know how u r doin(y)
 
rollinat

rollinat

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
Apr 24, 2008
Messages
1,816
It all sounds pretty familiar to me (also have a decent degree but never feel I've found my niche, and have lots of over-achieving friends! - also have really struggled to accept that I have depression as my life really isn't that bad) - as has been suggested, take your post with you to talk to your GP and if they are any good they will listen to you and offer help. Take care.
 
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