I feel like a failure at everything.

H

ham78

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#1
My name is H. I'm a 40 year old mother and I can say I think being a mom is the one thing, the only thing I have ever done right. I love my kids and think I'm doing a pretty good job of raising them. I live with a great husband, who loves us more than anything.

I feel like I'm caught up in this eternal cycle of starting something and then quitting. The last two jobs I had I walked away due to stress. Granted, they were high stress jobs. But looking back, being as objective as possible, I realize that I have a tendency to walk away at the first sign of trouble. I also have a long history of finding fault in other people. I hold grudges easily, and am slow to forgive (if ever)!

Countless times, I've been called "so sensitive" or "too sensitive". It's true. I take everything personally, like I'm being personally attacked or bullied. At times this really has been the case. But, other times, I just assume the worst out of people.

I have no friends. I've basically pushed everyone away through the years. True to form, I've blamed them as the source of the friendship degradation. I have a hard time showing any type of appreciation for my husband - he's a gem. I recognize it, but can't say it or show it.

I'm not borderline or bipolar. This much I'm pretty sure of. I'm a RN who has worked in mental health for several years. I'm not sure what my problem is. What's wrong with me? what should I do? I need to toughen up and get a thicker skin but don't know how. I don't want to start medications. been there done that. SSRI's don't really help. I feel like a complete failure.

Thanks for reading. H.
 
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calypso

calypso

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#2
Hiya ham and :welcome: to the forum. I too am an RN - ex now. I understand that being sensitive to everyone and everything, and for me it came from a childhood of being criticised too much by my parents, especially my dad. He set up a sense of me not being good enough so I looked out for trouble everywhere. I was also waiting for people to say something that would hurt me.

The thing which eventually helped me was getting some good therapy - not the 6 weeks of CBT, but good stuff. I worked through all that caused it, how to change my attitude and how to think differently. It transformed me. It didn't get rid of all those feelings, but it made them bearable.

As for your husband, I would suggest you write him a letter. I know that sounds bizarre but I did this and its very powerful. Explain that you do love him but struggle to show it and that you really appreciate all he does for you etc etc. He can then take his time to read it and think of a response. Its easier than talking.
 
Bizzarebitrary

Bizzarebitrary

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#3
Hi and welcome. It's so good to hear you begin with a positive appraisal of yourself though I wonder if being a mom is truly the only thing you've done well.

I agree with Calypso that therapy can be helpful in managing negative thoughts/appraisals of yourself and others. I also think it's perfectly fine to be skeptical of labels given to you by others, they observe reactions and draw conclusions without knowing underlying factors. You don't need to internalize labels no matter who or how many people in your life have tossed them at you.

A word or two about the thickness of your skin. Nobody who was ever born was given the book: "Emotions. A User's Guide" upon reaching reading age. Your occupation as an RN and mother speaks something of your resolve and toughness not to mention compassion. And now you're realizing you could use help managing difficult emotions which demonstrates wisdom. I hope the best for you in your pursuit of better mental health.
 

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